Give it time, look far beneath
The truth is there to be found
Where ration and instinct meets
This man stands tall and carefree
His hooded eyes, easy smile
And this woman sits primly
Her even voice, quiet guile
Discover his heart heavy
Laden with cravings and fears
His true companion is Silence
He has guarded Her for years
Her presence, constant, faithful
Her arms: his solace, his balm
Silence, for She restores him
She lifts his heavy heart calm
Discover her heart beats wild
Bursting with feeling and need
Her true companion is Ice
She has prized His relief
His protection, consummate
His cool voice: freezes what chafes
Ice, for He encloses her
He contains her wild heart safe
Carefree man with hooded eyes
Prim woman with even voice
In each other, yield to sighs
At once, they know a new choice
Cravings fed, emotions felt
Fears vanquished, and needs replete
The Silence fills, the Ice melts
His heart light, hers now in peace
Silence and Ice find exit
These guardians at last freed
For each, a new companion
Found in wonder far beneath
A contest entry
- What Does Your Heart Desire? by Jeremy0826.
1800 points, ended June 3, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Is this poem awkward or too complex?
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
-
Oh. This is a nice little poem that you have going on here.
It is very sweet and light in nature. It starts out with the some of the problems between a man and a woman not really knowing each other. But then when they do, they find out that they're perfect for each other. That's so sweet. I think you did a good job of expressing yourself here.
-
I love the defination of the relationship painted here in the wonderful revealations..thanks for sharing such a wonderful write..
-
Very interesting and a great write.
Thanks a lot for taking the time to
enter my contest. I appreciate your
entry and wish you the best of luck
with it here! Keep up the wonderful
work here!
Jeremy0826 -
Complex.
Tis more complex and should never be awkward because you're work is how you express how you feel and what's going in your mind,
"Discover his heart heavy
Laden with cravings and fears
His true companion is Silence
He has guarded Her for years
Her presence, constant, faithful
Her arms: his solace, his balm
Silence, for She restores him
She lifts his heavy heart calm"
Silence is like paradise, a fountain of wisdom, if you just sit down or just keep quiet and think it will help you understand somethings more clearly, basically being secluded, away from people who would make things difficult for you to decide when you're thinking clearly on your own it becomes crystal clear.
. Rewarded 8
-
I would tend to agree
that this is highly complex but I tend to be drawn to deeper subject matter. The image this poem created in my mind was just amazing. I am curious - you are fairly new to this site but you write as though you have always been a poet.
. Rewarded 4
-
I have to admit, if I didn't read your comment below I wouldn't have realised what this poem was about until I read it a few more times... but in re-reading it (and your comments below), it is clear
I saw no fault with flow or enjabment... your thought pattern was concise and ordered so no, it was not awkward for me to read
I like the metaphors you have used, they are so realatable to many people, who is not hiding behind something?
I love the first and last stanza it is so true what your saying, knowledge and power comes from within, and with that comes self-actualization.
I can tell you have worked hard on this poem, it is very complex but you have done well... 'showing' rather then 'telling' the reader the story line.
Thanks for sharing this! An enjoyable and interesting read.
-
.......I love this write.. I'm sure when I was reading it i looked like one of those monkey pics of them scratching their heads.. hehe sorry a little humor Its a different kind of write, Its one that could be something different to you than me so I dont want to say how i felt as it might be way off from where you were wanting it to go.. Great write!!
-
Welcome To Allpoetry
Hi Tlr051408,
I don't find this is too awkward at all. Its the type of poem that leaves a person wondering, and could give different readers different meanings. Its very well done.
Thanks for sharing with us at Allpoetry
Greeter
Cara
. Rewarded 4
-
I like it
the concept is quite interesting. the words are well chosen, not pretentious or flowery. I wouldn't have gotten that it was about muses if I hadn't read the comment below (I am rather new to poetry) I do think this poem is a bit of a riddle (not necissarily a bad thing)
On reading a few times, it does draw the curious mind.
I hope you will pare it a little; to me, it might work better if if were a bit sparser.
Just my thoughts.
. Rewarded 8
-
-
Dear Cara and James119
I am a complete amateur here and am ready for honest feedback on what i express. I have a hard time communicating sometimes. But I have never believed that something written should be hard to understand, or, for that matter, anything spoken either. Ironically, this comes close to fulfilling that need to make myself understood, and be understood.
In this, the man guards his heart with Silence, on the outside he shows himself carefree and relaxed. Yet the truth is, inside, his heart craves and fears. Silence is the guardian between what is in his heart and what he shows. Same applies to the woman. Hers is Ice. She seems prim and carefully 'together' - the truth is her heart is wild with feeling, with passion.
When they both decide to look far beneath, and give it time, they find Truth, where ration and instinct meet. the truth in themselves and each other. And they let go of their needs for Silence and Ice - and they find, surprisingly, that the desires of their hearts are met. But not until they were able to look outside of themselves, outside of Silence and Ice, first. -
-
Thank you
Now re-reading
-
-
-
Welcome to AllPoetry!
Hi there! Very interesting. The form is very good and the writing is obscure, but I wouldn't say it is awkward. I will say that the notion is complex which means that the more simple in explanation the better.
I like the personification of the muses, Silence, Needs, etc.
Is this a song? It would do well for lyrics.
*Suggestion*
I would tighten this, eliminate any lines which
could be left out that won't give it the 'chill'
that you intended to give the reader.
Let me feature it for you and see what others think.You may see it under "Featured" to the right of your screen.
Should you have questions, please let us know.
-
-
Hi CookieZeal
I just wanted to thank you again for your comments and suggestions! I didn't feel right about the poem, and really wanted some help with it. I worked on it again taking your cues into consideration, and I revised it a bit. Hopefully it is more easily identified with now. -
Thank you!
I am very appreciative of your comments! This is exactly the kind of feedback I was hoping for. I would very much appreciate exposing this for additional comments so that I can improve it. No, it is not a song. It was a sudden realization that I came to and was trying to organize for myself in writing. Thank you once again.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 14 of 14
