Boldly going,
where I have not gone before
Stripped of my safety boots,
my armor
Body a sanctuary through out the centuries
This tantric temple grounds me in the galaxy's
Follow my wind through the breezes,
that bewilder me
To whatever will receive this opening
Into whatever will,
turn,
me,
free
Spark up my sun beam
While I sing this little song
Trenched in terror,
until its all but gone
Until the darkness knows only golden dawn
They say where there is a will...
there is a way
So this mingling love is here to stay
This dawning is that of a new day
Drenched in a dimensional solar eclipse
A new day
Soaked in a semblance of bliss
Together we are triggered,
into a new way
Boundless superabundance
Sage, white elixirs and clay
Together we can overcome
This Orwellian romance
Tangled in a totalitarian slow dance
Taking in the dawning of a new day
This Orwellian romance,
is braking,
braking out of its trance
This is what love,
has,
to,
say
whats going on in your portals girls and boys?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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sorry im poor.
it deseves five.
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I may be way wrong...
but this says to me,
moving to another or higher stage or plain with a partner....tangled in a totalitarian slow dance...
LOL...I never do that... i hate to try and label someone else's thoughts, but it is what it said to me.
Some of the comments were strange,
As writers,
it's extremely difficult for me to see a comment or two that some who create, could not derive any sort of thought about it.
I particulary love...
Follow my wind through the breezes....
I think it is a beautiful poetic mystery of thoughts that come together for the reader to dream.
People who want it handed to them, should read street signs instead of poetry. Poets here should stop picking little pieces ..and start looking at a piece as a whole machine
but I am disappointed , a true writer should know this....your audience is beneath you.
I LOVE IT GYPSY!
LOWELL
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Hey I think this is really good...i love the lines.... your A Very good poet and awesome write,Keep it up!!!
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I think this has potential bt it lost its way somewhere. The first stanza especially is meant to draw the reader in but this one was a little confused in where it was going. The poem did build in confidence from there but it needs a stronger opening. The only other time I thought your word choice was off was "While I sing a little song" its too cutesy and totally breaks the mood you're building up.
A little puncutation would be helpful, especially in the places where the language used makes the flow quite convuluted. Mostly the first stanza again, though. I think you found you equilibrium in the last stanza, that was very nice, with the repitition hitting the right note. The last line was perfect, no problem's there at all. Take care x x -
Ok...so some really beautiful lines here. I felt, overall that I was left wanting something more though. Like the words were lovely but a deep meaning was lost to me. Your use of alliteration and rhyme were surprising though. I didn't expect, for the most part, each new line.
"Soaked in a semblance of bliss."
my favorite line. Flows off the tongue like honey.
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I agree that the rhyme is a little shaky but I LOVE the imagery here - that is very strong and very present! I am drawn to the "spark up my sun beam" - I am totally pissed I didn't come up with that!!
And "Drenched in a dimensional solar eclipse" is very nice line as well, I like the way it rolls off the tongue.
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interesting
content is good, nice imagery, but your rhyme scheme is a little all over the place. Are you going for ABBC? or AABCC? Lastly, maybe you could think of different rhyming words that end with "ay"?
Otherwise, I like your noun choices. Good work. -
a great write. Keep up the great work. Painted a picture quite well.
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