When pawns collapse, more stands in line
in checkered jails which intertwine.
Extinct in life, en passant - die,
as armies march in - eye for eye.
Aligned to loss with stubborn gait,
first moves are used as tempting bait.
Two gambits down, much more to go.
This war will end but you won't know.
So here it starts, this game of death:
wage money, gold, and hold your breath.
Their words collect on silent tongues,
as anthems leak of hymns unsung.
A pledge to live and kill the rest,
The order's out; you can't protest.
With knife in hold or just your hand,
murder the rest; this isn't planned.
Move right, then left, take one move back!
"Please watch your step, they will attack"
Confined to black and lifeless squares,
where want for peace brings vile despair.
Last words are sworn in muted guns,
as enemies have been outdone:
their master trapped, fierce knights are laid -
all hope to shreds; their game is played.
'Tween ground and sky, their blood is shed,
as we rejoice when they are dead.
Corrupt in heart; their name renowned,
in chase to claim the callous crown.
Author notes
Picture: Royal Games [pic and background not allowed in contest]
PO'
Theme: Chess as a metaphor to war/society/politics
Gambit: a death sacrifice in chess
En passent: On Passing [also used in chess]
Bodens mate: the king loses when it cannot make any legal moves without being killed in the opponent's next turn. It involves a masterful sacrifice with the single intention of killing the target.
Do not use: and, the, that, to
I know I have quite a few though, but I feel editing this would bring down the quality of the poem. I contemplated not entering, but I guess I'm curious about what my chances are with those points off.
The whole irony is that I don't even play chess.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Day - POD by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended May 15, 2008, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - In Honor of reciving 100 HMs by peridotPixi.
681 points, ended July 8, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Turn those greenies into Gold (or silver or bronze) pt 5 by whispernthedark.
660 points, ended September 20, 2008, 20 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Now you tell me:
Comments
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In the first line, it should be stand, instead of stands. Other than that small error this poem is awesome, wonderful take from the picture it was based on. I love the last line, very effective. Great write, best of luck in the contest.
♥
whisper
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Thanks for pointing it out!
I wish I didn't have to lose the format of the poem to change it..
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This was really KICK ASS rhyming! It was not forced, it was not faked, and every word in this piece had perfect placement. Gorgeous imagery and killer topic. I really liked this!
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Thank you for the beautiful entry to my contest,
You did a wonderful job with the prompt I looked at the picture and wow is what I thought, and it is true irony that you don’t play chess, I like the dark murderous feelings you have used in this poem, “With knife in hold or just your hand,
murder the rest; this isn't planned” that is my favorite line. as always keep up the wonderful writing, ~Amy
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Chandni, this was excellent -
and doesn't it suck when you enter for someone else,
and then a total dumb ass gives you some bullshit comment and score? cougharkbeardoesntknowcoughshitaboutpoetrycough.
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hahahaha
ily <3
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Not bad ...
and might have done better in another contest, but with over 100 entries here, I have too many candidates for the few trophies available.
Good luck with your writing in the future.
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Congrats on the HM!
I sincerely hope you return with your talent!
Write on!
*PEACE* -
A wonderful write you have here since there are many themes about chess or something relevant to that and yet you get to write it beautifully and it's really impressive I can't write like that and to be honest, I might be jealous that you have this talent Well, maybe I will learn some more poetic devices sooner or later coz I'm still young ^^' Anyway, I really do think that this piece would deserve gold, best of luck to you
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We always learn, don't worry!
And thank you
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Hi Chandni,
I've wished you would enter a PO contest for a looooong time...and when you finally do...can I just say, "come back again!" ???
Okay...I'm not going to chew you out for not following rules...Bear and Ryan did plenty of that already, hehe... BUT, I will say, I know you can write without fillers, I've seen you do it, which makes me think a rhymed poem was probably a tougher thing to work with and free verse would have made it easier for you. So much depends on where our muse takes us though, and in any other contest I'd say this is quite good. 
Well, it’s still quite good...but unfortunately it won’t get the score it deserves. 
I do play Chess...but only enough to know basics. From that standpoint I thought most of your metaphors work okay, and will probably pass with a lot of people. It's always a big risk to write on something you aren't familiar with, (which takes guts) yet this is also your view of chess, as you see it, so I find this to be a reflection not just on how you see war, society, etc. but also the game itself. I found that almost as interesting as your intended theme. If you do decide to write on something you aren't 100% sure of, maybe find someone who knows something about the subject and have them take a quick look to make sure everything works. It looks like you did some research on the subject though, and that’s a good thing.
Rhyme, meter, imagery...all very good. I also like the sort of “implied” metaphors. You never come straight out and say what it might refer to, letting the reader use his/her imagination, and that could potentially take this in many different directions.
I loved this line:
“Their words collect on silent tongues”
In L1, grammatically I believe you want to lose the “s” on “stands” since “pawns” is plural. Also, I like and agree with the suggestions Ryan left about the line, “This war will end but you won't know". It’s the only spot where it made the rhyme seem a tad bit forced, IMO.
As I’m sure you’ve found, we take the PO contests pretty seriously. But, it’s a place where you will always get honest feedback to the best of our ability. I think, if you join us again, that’s something you’ll appreciate because I know you generally have high standards for yourself and constantly work to improve your writing and expand your knowledge. You won’t always agree with us, but that’s okay too. Just stick it out to work within those rules (which do change) and you could easily walk away with a gold.
Thank you for entering, and good luck!
~J.
And pleeeeeeease come back again!
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I did, I had one person who plays chess regularly explain most of it to me, and showed him the final poem before I posted him.
I guess I'll do some editing when the contest is over.
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"I pretty much lowered my hopes for the contest as it was the rules and what not - but my final decision is that I won't compromise quality for a competition that is basically just a virtual game [no offense]..."
hmmmm...sometimes silence is better than insult, although i reall don't think you mean harm...
my question to you is this...
Why write for a contest
if not to win?
Is it really a game?
Funny your theme is about a game, and the striving to win...
All animosity aside, I really enjoyed your write...
As the flow goes, it is quite nice...as far as the rules go, it could be rewritten without the "filler words"
and still have the same, if not more impact...
message me if you need explanations as to how,
as I will avoid disagreements here.
Your theme is a fine parallel to how one might view war, and that keeps your theme as unique.
As far as text, I might suggest unless penning in an older format, avoid using "tween"
as it intterupts the more modern phrases you have used.
"This war will end but you won't know"
know what?
when it will end?
how it will end?
if it ends?
sometimes, esp. in the last line of a stanza, you need to wrap up and continue on...
hope to see you again, yet with a touch more ambition, I'm sure you can do anything you want...
good luck
Title: 9.75
Theme: 10
Flow: 9.8
Impact: 8.75
Rules: 8.5(only because you ackowledged them, then ignored them)
Creativity: 9.4
Big Bang Moment:8.8
Grammar: 9.35
Quality: 10
Poignancy: 8
92.35 Final Score
no editing once scored
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Sometimes it's just the game itself that you like, winning isn't a necessity. I entered this here because I wrote the poem for this contest - and I know points will be off for not adhering to the rules, so I just wanted to see how that would affect. I did ask whether the piece will be completely disqualified or just points knocked off, and I got my answer so here I am.
As for the theme, it's how I see it, not what I am. I'd like your explanations on how to do without the filler words if you don't mind.
Thank youfor the comment, and sorry if anything was of any offense - I didn't mean it that way.
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no problem,lol
hope to see you again, congrats on the hm
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Hi there ~
You have entered a great write, however, when you do not heed the Rules, or listen to the warnings of other Poets, and then retain your integrity by compromising ours, you slap the Host and Judges in the face with your unwillingness to cooperate and participate in a contest designed to bring out the best you can be ~
We are merely Poets like yourself, yet we take great Pride in what we do, and we do it well without compromising the Rules of the contests ~
You have also taken the place of another Poet, who might have wanted to abide by all Rules, trying their best to attend to every Rule given by the Host......that would be me ~
.....and if you think this is a virtual game of competition, you are sadly mistaken ~
You say you tried it without the Filler Words, and you say you did not like the way it came out, or read back to you..........nonetheless, you still entered it, therefore, I still have to Judge it accordingly ~
3 of the 5 Poets whom have commented on your work, are Poets who take the PO' contests very seriously, and they give of their time and suggestive talents to increase your chances of doing well and scoring big in the PO' Contests, yet you still failed to try ~
** A pledge to live and kill the rest**
Simple..>>>>>
Theme: Living free from Religions and cursed beliefs -
Bound by a pledge of life,
yet, remaining souls killed by immortality ~
Trodden paths destroyed amongst strife,
hark, heavenly angels expose their forbidden sexuality ~
Metered for Poetic Format -
This is the 70th PO' contest, and we limit the spaces to only a few who desire to utilize the written word as a tool for beauty, sending a message, leaving their mark upon one's soul....or even making someone smile ~
Also, if you ever join us again, I would suggest you knowa little something about your Theme, as I am a HUGE Chess Freak, and your poem is suggestively incorrrect....even metaphorically speaking ~
I hope you use this critique as a building block to your next PO' contest.....and if you decide not to return, I wish you well and may God bless you for taking the time to enter your wisdom and thoughts ~
Bear ~
Title 9.5....nice -
Flow 9.25
Depth 9.1
Theme 9.95...original, but knowledge of Theme is shallow -
Feelings 7.95
Grammar 8.75....wordy, and Filler Words are of no use to Power, Impact, nor Lasting Impression -
Presentation 9.4
Uncommonness 10 -
Sit & Ponder Affect 8.25...unique write, but lacking in knowledge of Theme/Game rules -
Ability to follow Rules 8.0..this could have been a Gold contender -
Bears Score: 90.15
A very nice score....I do hope you return, because I love the talent I see.....
....but remember, we take our contests seriously here, and if you return, we will hope you will as well........and trying is hard sometimes......and succeeding is even tougher....even if it means leaving out a few words to accomplish that goal...
.....but when you do well and meet the goals set in front of you, it will all be worth it in the long run ~
Your other Judges are coming behind me :)
Bear ~
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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I meant no offense, sorry if it sounded that way
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Aloha! Welcome to the PO contests.
First I must say, I don't think I have seen this theme done before...well penned...as far as rules, you broke them a couple times....with use of filler words
All in all...a well done entry.
Thanks and hope to see you again in these contests!
Write on.
*PEACE*
My score will come at the end of the contest.
REMEMBER: Once a judge has commented on your work...
you may not edit!!! -
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Thank you!
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ok....Holy cow, love the write! Love to see GREAT rhyme and proof that YES rhyme can in fact be done well, without being cliche and sounding forced....YAY for you! (can you tell I am a rhymer?)
Now....metephore....Great job. I agree with the other comments about this theme not necessarily being the MOST unique, but.....the quality of the write may get you past that (but I wont lie, THEME is big time here)....
Now....those forbidden words....I know at first you want to say "no way....cant take them out" but seriously, Just take them out completely, read your work minus the fillers and see if you can live without them or can shuffle the words around to replace the removed words.....I know you can. I bet it wont read half as bad as you think it will. These words are refered to as filler words....RARELY are they actually needed. I am stressing all this because these contests have beat the filler words out of me and TRUST me when I say I hung on tight! .....AND without solid confirmation on this, I am guessing that these new rule twists have been put in effect to teach us WORDY people (not you as much as me, lol) how easy it is to eliminate them from our writes. Either that or torturing us for fun, one or the other, who knows....
but either way, if not for the points to be saved, at least for yourself, print this up without the BAD BAD FORBIDDEN POINT-SUCKING words and see what you can do....dont give up, you can do it....Rhymers are notoriously going down as the major filler offendors...because we are! Seeing your work tells me SOLID you have the talent to prove this wrong. Go get it! Good luck!
Jamie
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First of all, thank you for the compliment!
I can honestly say that I tried to remove the filler words and read them without it or various replacements - but it didn't work. I'd be wholeheartedly disappointed with the write as as you said, sometimes they are just needed.
In free verse, as I've penned from time to time, I can easil remove them or not have them to begin with - but in rhyme we have to worry about transition, making sense and flow.
For example,
"A pledge to live and kill the rest,"
What do you get when you remove 'to' and 'and'? A sentence that makes no sense,
and if you replaced the words with others - those would be filler words too, worse as it would be forced into place - which is what makes people hate rhyme as well.
I pretty much lowered my hopes for the contest as it was the rules and what not - but my final decision is that I won't compromise quality for a competition that is basically just a virtual game [no offense]
However, thank you for your views - I really appreciate them
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100% correct....NEVER ever compromise the quality of the write for a contest!! I am actually laughing out loud right now because you sound EXACTLY like me when I was faced with editing out my fillers. I love that you stand by your work, thats AWESOME. I am wicked busy right now but later I will side message you with a few examples of how I would work those bad boys out without screwing with the integrity of the write, NOT because I think you need any kind of advice from me (Seriously, look at your work....quality stuff right there, I should be messaging YOU for advice, lol) only because I know it can be done and I would be interested in seeing what you can do next time. Again, good luck!!
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I will look forward to it
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nicely done
un.
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Thank you - and for explaining everything to me!
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I don't play chess either, but have used this metaphor..it's an excellent one to play with. You have done a quite remarkable job here..the theme is, if not unique, at least very inventive, the title is Golden, your use of terms and flow of writing excellent! You may lose points for those no-no words, hopefully not enough to drag you out of the running, because I think this write deserves merit!
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hopefully! Thank you
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Wow - I don't play chess, but I really like this! Great rhyme, nice flow, great theme that I haven't seen before. And nice job in your author's notes explaining terms for those who might not know (like me...lol).
Love your title! Nice, neat job on the presentation of this.
I counted around 13 of the no-no words - I'm not sure of point deduction on this, but even at 1 point per word, that would knock your score down to 87 which would be a real shame on such a nice piece of work....it would put this out of running for the Gold.
best wishes in the contest
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It would be a shame, but it was either that or don't enter. Not much harm done
Thank you for the comment!
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Ahaha, you don't even play chess, but you definitely captured the game well, and I liked how it definitely connected with today's society. It had loads of imagery and I was captivated by your choice of words. I love the game of chess, so this poem was intriguing and fun to read. Good luck in the contest!
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