You're lost in my world, this great black pit,
and you'll wander forever you piece of shit.
You'll stay here lost, scared, and alone,
While I laugh and sit at my glorious throne.
The devils inside me will cut you up,
they'll make you shiver like a little pup.
I'll break you down and make you scream,
the pain you'll feel will be most extreme.
To finish you I'll cut off your head,
and stab at your body to make sure you are dead.
I'll leave your body to lay and rot,
and close the door to this unholy spot.
I'll sacrifice your soul to the demons inside,
and forever remember how you cried.
I'll remember this day until I die,
untill I make someone new scream and cry.
A contest entry
- Not For The Weak by Immortal Obscurity.
1750 points, ended June 9, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Very harsh, with strong imagery and feelings...very deeply felt, like an emotional knife to the heart...beauty in darkness...
mom
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No contests, huh? Caught you out =p excellent write though hun xox
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YES!
Nice visiuals for me thanks! -
that's...harsh. But well written and good emotion :-)
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I hope u win...
u deserve it.... -
thats a powerful write...i can feel it!
peace, love, & cheese -
good
good write baby -
good
vary good baby
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thats what Im talkin about!!!
awesome!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thank you very much
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Hmmm... I certainly hope that the person you wrote this for hears your screaming, because I did. The hatred was definitely here, though a few minor spelling/grammar errors did take away from its full effect.
The typos/errors I saw were:
-sacrafice [should be 'sacrifice']
-crie [should be 'cry']
Oh, and one more thing... I've been on at people ever since this contest opened about the use of profanities. A well-placed one can be effective, but a poorly-used one can mean certain doom for an otherwise-good poem. In my opinion, 'shit' is a very strong word, and your poem was not as powerful, so the use of such a word seemed very out of place.
All in all, though, one of the better writes I've seen here, so good luck to you.
Laura
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Ouch, descriptively painful, but wonderful in poetic form and words used, and tied tight at the ends of the lines with rhymes not too complicated to seem too forced. Kind of like how it ended with absolutely no remorse, steady hate throughout
GREAT job
diggin it majorly
A+wesome!
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ooooo i better not come face to face with you...lol...loved it great poem....
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me and my friends love it!
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