I hide behind a sunny smile, but
Inside the miles have ground me
Down, and it isn't cowardice I
Promised, but each sunrise looks
Like an open wound, a curse that
God gave me twice, thrice, over
And over, until I bought a gun
And killed the sun, I hide behind
A sunny smile, but I hate the
Ride, I hate the game, this sad
Pretense, so I raised my sword
And killed the king, see even a
Pawn can bear his king true ill,
But still, I dreamt of paradise,
Like a child, I dreamt of Eden,
But I spent my summers looking
For something that is real, and
I feel like Prometheus, I stole
Fire from the gods, and now I'm
Cursed, the world is eating me.
A contest entry
- Guaranteed Comments! II by Nam.
1750 points, ended June 8, 122 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
I am not an authority on punctuation, and nor do I tend to make myself out to be one. I admit I don't know it too well and when I write, I try not to use it as much as possible. The commas in this aren't all correct, some of them I gander shouldn't even be there (as the one before a "but") or should be a semi-colon, or a period etc. It seems like a distraction, perhaps it is only for me but sometimes that's enough.
The story was nice but the plethora of commas (and you have a lot in this poem more so than I've read probably any other poem that is this short) were a distraction for me.
-Nam
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