The walk from the tavern has been light-hearted, but tedious. Fluorescent light dapples the cement from behind and above the trees, a familiar sight on a Saturday evening in the middle of town. I think it's about nine-thirty, and off in the distance leather-clad philanderers smoke clamorously. These are your people, and I half-expect to see you there in some melodramatic outfit, fashionably shitfaced. Walking downhill has quickened my step, and I scan my eyes over the faces of the loud nicotinites, marking a few familiar faces from your entourage.
Suddenly, somebody is staring at me, mortified. I understand, rejoice and grieve immediately. You exist. In spite of all my arduous scheming to ignore you completely, that tortured, guilt-ridden grimace triggers something in me I had considered (or perhaps hoped) to be dead. I open my arms and stumble towards you. The remorse swiftly turns to terror as you realise that I'm approaching you, and you wave me away. I make some panicked gesture at you with my hand, and turn a fast heel after my friend, who has walked on obliviously.
“No, David, wait!” you squall. My head is reefed around and I can see you half stepping towards me, eyes aglaze and lips quivering. I jog towards you and you grab me. Time moves, but we stand still. My arms and shoulders become fixated on keeping us this way, despite the attempts at attention by my companion and the mewlings of the neanderthal sniffing at your back. You whisper, “I'm sorry”, but I do not respond. Now is not the time to tell you it will never be good enough. I kiss you hard on the cheek, and pull away. The tortured grimace has returned, but all I can achieve is a listlessly aimless shrug. We embrace again and I lock my arms around you. I am at once secure and terrified; loved and loveless; enamoured and offended.
Pleasantries are exchanged and we part. Thrice more I'll pass you this evening, but I will not pay you any heed, not tonight nor any other. Let this be the end.
Author notes
Literal. Please critique thoroughly.
A contest entry
- Wow Me by Lord Bob.
450 points, ended June 3, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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.. poem or story? I think it needs a little more imagery, but other than that its a great short story!! keep up the great penning!!
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Snippet. I ran into my ex-girlfriend of 5 months (formerly partnered for 5 years), and that's pretty much exactly what happened.
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Oh. This is a nice little poem that you have going on here. I clicked on it because it said it was prose and I love prose because it's more like story. You said you wanted a thorough critique though. So I guess I could say that it was a good story to use. But maybe you want to take out some of the complete and detailed sentences and use more images to say things for you instead. Because one of my favorite writers likes to write prose on here. And she balances between poetry and a regular story by using a lot of images. On this one, it seemed more like a story than a poem prose piece. Does that make any sense? I don't know. I'm just trying to help. I do like it though.
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"But maybe you want to take out some of the complete and detailed sentences"
How would that be beneficial to a piece that is supposed to read like a story?
"Because one of my favorite writers likes to write prose on here. And she balances between poetry and a regular story by using a lot of images."
Could you link me to her page? I'd like to read. Also, what do you mean by 'image'?
Thanks for reading
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Well, I think that it would be beneficial because since this isn't a real story but a prose piece, then it shouldn't have to follow the normal rules of writing sentences. It should look a little more like poetry where you try not to use many the's or I's. Like maybe instead of saying '“No, David, wait!” you squall. My head is reefed around and I can see you half stepping towards me, eyes aglaze', You might say instead 'You squall 'Wait!', that slams on the brakes of me. And in this red light you inche forward, eyes glazed in sugar and unspoken voices.' I don't know. I'm just trying to show you what I mean.
And instead of describing how your feeling, you could just show an image of you or her and some gesture or act or the weather that shows how you're feeling instead. It helps your reader to connect more with you. Something like, instead of 'but I will not pay you any heed, not tonight nor any other. Let this be the end.' You could use something like 'and then I'll let the road take me, leave your image behind'.
I don't know. Something like that. I'm not really good at helping people revise thier poems.
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I like how well you describe the scene and make the emotions come across to the reader, however I felt as though this fit more along the lines of a short story...Thank you for entering.
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