A winding gravel country road,
Swirling flurries of pristine snow;
The shaded horizon softly alight,
With the setting suns final glow.
The wind, natures soft breath,
Gently against my face it blows;
Sending ripples briskly across the lake,
Into which the frozen stream flows.
Cloud kissed mountain peaks,
Frosted with the snows of yesterday;
And this valley of awing beauty,
In which the shadows now play.
The eagle, noble and proud,
On his golden wings he flies;
His majestic body backlit,
By the grey snow-laden skies.
Now up a wooded trail we’ve walked,
In a natural untamed land;
Scenic beauty that surrounds,
Unchanged by human hand.
A dear friend near, at my side,
Natures beauty with her I share;
My son held close in tranquil silence,
A disturbing sound we wouldn’t dare.
As we turn to leave, a parting gift,
Which to hear almost seems a crime;
The peaceful sounds of nature sing,
A heartfelt song, natures rhyme.
We leave the valley in reverence;
This peace not what I thought I’d find;
What I felt and saw that day,
Forever etched into my mind.
Author notes
While I was on vacation in Ruidoso, New mexico we went up in the mountains. It was so beautiful and peaceful up there that I would dare to call it spiritual. The photo was taken by me while we were there. This poem was written March 12th 2008.
In a list
A contest entry
- Start now before it's too late! by Cyanide Milkshake.
900 points, ended July 29, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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This is a gorgeous picture and the poem is really nice.
I hope you don't mind me providing a couple of thoughts on the technical aspect of the poem. Some of it may be subjective and they are my personal opinion, so take them for what they are worth.
What I looked at specifically was the interplay of stressed and unstressed syllables.
The first line went like this:
a WINDing GRAVel COUNTry ROAD
a very strict pattern alternating between stressed and unstressed syllables (might officially be referred to as iambic octameter though someone who has studied this stuff would know better.)
The second line started with a stressed syllable and probably would be read:
SWIRLing FLURries of PRISTine SNOW
In the third line I felt that using "lit" instead of "alight" would fit the rhythm somewhat better as the "al" part of "alight" seemed like an extra unstressed syllable.
the SHADed horIzon SOFTly aLIGHT (as it is currently)
In the fourth line it was harder to find 4 stressed syllables like the first three.
I've taken the liberty to play with the first stanza and see what I could come up with because the picture is beautiful and your words inspiring:
A winding gravel country road
Guides swirling winds of pristine snow
The cold horizon softly lit
As setting sun casts final glow
I may have lost some of the picture you've painted, but I tried to stick to the rhythm I hope this illustrates what I meant. The rhythm for my piece looks like this:
A WINDing GRAVel COUNTry ROAD
Guides SWIRLing WINDS of PRISTine SNOW
The COLD horIzon SOFTly LIT
As SETTing SUN casts FINal GLOW
I hope this is somewhat helpful. You've clearly got a real talent for putting words on paper and moving people, and the poem is great as is. Just my humble opinion on how you might be able to make it even better.
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I thank you for the indept critique of the poem. Its hard to find on this site and I value it alot. I will definatly consider your points with ym future poems.
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wow !!
loved it wish i could wriht like this soom day
x ben x
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I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it.
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This is gorgeous and much enjoyed for its beauty and the warm feeling I get.
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I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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the picture is beautiful, as is the poem that you wrote. i almost felt as if i was there seeing what you saw. an amazing job
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I'm glad. the point of my poems about places such as this is for the people to see and experiance it through my poems.
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Your words are even more lovely than the pic. I enjoyed the imagery you created very much. It sounds like a wonderful place. thanks for entering
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I'm glad you enjoyed it and it really was a beautiful place. My camera didnt do it credit.
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Though I have never seen the magestic place you so eloquently described, through your words I was taken there. Thank you for entering my contest
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Your welcome and thank you. I always try to get people to see, understand, or feel what I write. I seem to have done a fair job at that with this poem.
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Would not "Natures" in the title, and throughout the poem be "Nature's"? And, if so, I think all uses of "natures" in the poem should be "Nature's".
Other than that, a good poem that you have written here. I like the picture.
-Nam
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Thanks for the sudgustion. I never noticed it. I spend a lot of time looking over poems before i post than. i guess I should be doing the same on the title lol thanks.
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The first verse takes me into soft emotion, into a tranquil place. But in the second verse the first line contradicts itself. The wind is not soft at all, try the word ( breeze ) to co -inside with the soft breath of nature, and keep the reader within that tranquil place you wish them to see.
Briskly is also a harsh word it woke me up again!
Let me show you how i would rewrite some of your verses to give you some idea.
My dearest, she beside me there,
Of nature we to share,
My son he sleeps so calm within,
Content within our care.
But dusk to ask us part this place,
For the day so short is gone,
Within our hearts all nature calls,
Of its promise in a song.
Hope this helped?
Keith.
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Yes I see what you mean. Thank you it does help.
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Wow! This was really beautiful!
I'm envious that I didn't get to see such breathtaking sights... I'm glad that you've shared these memories of the beauty of nature with us.
Wonderful write Danny!
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Thanks Britty It really was a beautiful place.
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There is nothing like losing yourself in nature and it sounds as though you lost yourself!
A lovely poem that gave some insight into your feelings on that special day, to be at one with nature is very special and you have conveyed that to your reader.
Thank you for sharing...Sue
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You definatly could say I lost myself in that place.
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This was so beautiful!!! You took me on a trip! lol.. I really enjoyed this image that you brought to my mind while reading this.. It was a beautiful one and very peaceful.. Thank you very much for sharing hun.. I needed to read something like this today.. again. thank you..
Angel
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I tried my best to use my words to show people that place.
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