falling falling crying crawling is this really all there is endless cycle dying flying trying and more crying can't sleep want to drink want to smoke useless monotony things are good think theyll last forever no they cant last forever but maybe sharp turn full speed fast forward downhill all at once didnt see it coming somehow knew it would dang i fucked up again how? i don't know but it feels like i did does anybopdy care who can i trust where is god is he real he was so real last week water trees green life beautiful god has to be in the dandelion chain why not now why not here why not in this little hole feels like home suddenly under the blankets keep itsoft play some music fight the blade want to leave but no i don't feels like home feels so alone its nice sometimes to let yourself belive life sucks even though it doesnt most times tears comforting quiet razorblade relaxing thrilling adrenaline run its all better how do i explain the cuts goddamnit almost recognize the cycle dont want to dont want to believe in it what comes next can i skip it plateau flat bored alright but dumb awesome everythings great im in control all going great i am awesome lets be stupid i don't care what people think i got this its cool pretty day annoyance irritability angry cynical am i insane im talking too much saying stupid stuff what a fucking idiot get a life no one likes u Slam. angry hostile stare at the ceiling wonder why know why god hates me i hate myself is there a god who knows who cares avoid the blade ok maybe not just one little cut maybe two frustration tears annoyance why the fuck won't she stop texting me why the fuck wont someone else text me back do i have any friends maybe im mentally retarded maybe people pretend to be my friends because they feel sorry for me would a retarded person know if her friends were real or not is this whole world even real fuck this not again what the fuck is wrong with me dont wanna die dont wanna live all thats left is to simply exist u say i punish myself i dont think so not conciously why would i punish myself how would i punish myself i cant think of much stupid that i havent already done or considered this is punishment enough love is not for me to have life is not for me to have one day at a time is all i can ask for maybe good maybe bad slow sudden perk random able to talk again really talk climbing climbing not up high just higher than low random i don't know i guess so there is no reason no rhyme to make a cliche i'm ok again i'm fine again but when when will it happen next where will i be will i know its coming no of course not beauty in the breakdown i want to belive it but i'm tired so tired im fine but so tired cycles and crashes u don't do much but it knocks you out and now we return to pointless monotony
Author notes
to some peopel this might not make any sense and to some people it might make perfect sense. maybe its not exactly poetry but maybe i'll turn it into poetry someday. for now its very stream of conciousness cuz i needed to get it down somewhere and i don't have my journal.
Comments
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Ill give you your jornal, you left it at my house.
It does make sence and im glad you were able to put this up, its all to familure, diffrent granted but understandable. let me know what I can do for you, you were there for me, understand that I am ALWAYS here for you, just say the word.
I love you Becca.
Rach
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That's so true. All of it and I'm sure you know. Cheer up. You're not retarded, but you are the girl who kicked me in the balls... That hurt. Oh well. I still think we're friends. You wrote that beautifully and yes, it is poetry.
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