there was an
abyss between
life and
death with
skeleton-grandpas
pulling out
of it--
laying over
it--
with probably no
skin.
since this is the
way they were
taught to
die, with eyes
on one person
they loved,
"funny stuff"
I thought given
the circumstances.
the chances we
had of making it--
being young
with just enough
lust for
one night.
can you hear
that? you whispered
over the sounds
I wasn't making,
the shaking of
a fence or
otherwise.
I took you in
doses since
the most I'd
ever had were
the christian boys
at st. paul's academy.
the moor's kept on
flowing, and
jesus-god keep
on going, the noise
was growing
enigmatically.
"it's a rabbit"
you said
screaming 'help me'
I'd bet
"the teeth of
the trap decapitating".
Author notes
been busy, will try to write more.
This isn't my usual type of genre; but I had to join in.
A contest entry
- the language of intercourse and outercourse by Nicolette.
4500 points, ended June 1, 2008, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
My co-judge is excellent at writing ‘story poems’ so I accept his assessment of the “storyline” of this poem being a bit flighty.
I liked the title but I had difficulty understanding how the poem relates to the contest theme of a deeper sense of lovemaking. There were some very interesting phrases here though that I did enjoy. Overall, a very intriguing poem.
Thank you for this entry.
~ Nicolette
-
i think this piece is well-written, but extremely flighty...it darts all over, seemingly at random.
i think a bit of editing would make it much more cohesive, more focused...a story goes from a to b to c, and shouldn't really zip around to x, y, and z inbetween them. lolol
thanks for entering
-
Wow! This is a great piece of poetry I only have one suggestion: I would change "with probably no" to "probably with no" - because I stumbled on that a little bit.
Other than that, I enjoyed it; definitely worth more than one read
-
love that book. so sad.
this poem was too.
p.s. yr sn made me check out east of eden at the library
-
-
anything by Steinbeck is great. However, have you read 'The Kite Runner'? It's by far one of the best books I've ever read. When I think I can write a poem that could partially do the book justice, I'll name a poem after it. It might be a while though.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
