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Flight of the Butterfly!

The touch of her eyes
upon my flesh transforms
me into passionate fire

I can descern her inward parts
pulsating like the beating
of primal drums

As she summons me to desire
and retorts in sensual pleasure

We intermingle as moths to
a cocoon in the metamorphosis
of erotic fluttering

As our wings take flight
into ecstasy and soar into
dimensions of oblivion

Love transcends into devotion
upon the pressing of sultry
lips fused with succulent tongues

As we copulate in ritualistic
madness to the primative yearnings
of our flaming hearts

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Nicolette gold member
    May 28, 2008

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    Like my co-judge I’ve found the repetition of “as” at the beginning of stanzas 3, 5 & 7 a bit distracting and also think that by deleting it the poem would be much stronger.

    I liked the butterfly-effect here, especially the reference to metamorphosis and “erotic fluttering” – nice touch there, darell. You’ve done well to weave the physical with the emotional and to show the balance between outercourse and intercourse. Nicely done.

    Thank you for the entry.

    ~ Nicolette

  • grm
    May 26, 2008

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    well...aside from the misspelling of 'discern', i couldn't help but chuckle at how one would discern someone else's 'inward parts', unless, of course, one possesses x-ray vision.
    i also found the several stanzas beginning with 'as' quite distracting and weak. perhaps just deleting the 'as' in each would make them stronger, and to have more impact on the reader.

    still, i find the emotion adequately written into the piece, and it works on a purely 'gut' level.

    thanks for the entry


  • Thoughts-of-Soloman
    May 19, 2008

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    'We intermingle as moths to
    a cocoon in the metamorphosis
    of erotic fluttering'

    I think this the most unique verse, and I like the way it's bang in the middle.

    All the best to you, Sol


  • michellemybelle gold member
    May 13, 2008

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    wonderful visions and thoughts of how making love should be, intentsly physical, mental, emotional, soulful, and passionate.
    Michelle


  • Margaret Denham gold member
    May 13, 2008

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    mmm...I'll have what she's having

    All jokes aside, this was a beautiful expression of passion and love.

    My best wishes to you in the contest.

    Love Margaret

  • slimer
    May 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    sounds like you really like her

1 - 6 of 6