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at some point, we all wear yellow

 

 

 

 

 
light stumbles
into corners drunk
 
sullied in this stain
 
this space
too closed to hold
so much
 
of nothing

 

 
it pales her yellow
and she belongs
 
with eyes that flap
 
beached beneath a tongue of smoke -
two fish exposed and open
 

 

each suffocates alone
 
hitches a ride
climbs in little curls
of random noise
 
of grey
 
watches ash and tar
lick ceiling lower
 
another stone
dropped into her sky
 
 
that place of lung graffiti
of way signs left
by travellers before
 
and every colour twists
to match those whimpers
spent
 
on sheets so cold,
 
 
like her
they too belong.
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Word Count: 99

Edits: 10

I am so trying to bring some game to this - given the outstanding competition. I've either succeeded well or not. I'm still stuck on a few transitions - more edits to come I suspect

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think (Critical Honesty Appreciated)

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • AJ Morelli gold member
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    very strong write, so many enviable lines... i like this a lot... great use of imagery and form...

    i think you succeeded...


    thanks

    al


  • LadyLavender gold member
    May 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    despite the pain, there's awarness; very important. Awesome write. I admire you.

  • dx d by me
    May 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Love the title, and how it introduces the well woven theme of the piece. I also appreciate the form, the impatient/patience of the waiting, before or after. Geo

  • Suzanne Dia
    May 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    .. bring it? You brought it. You also encouraged me to work my ass off so I could enter

    Love the imagery, love the way it reads down .. as her mood likely does too.




  • misselaineous
    May 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply


  • Luna Tique Fringe
    May 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow..so much to love. I especially like the image of the fish.

  • unraveled
    May 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    you've got some amazing imagery in here, very intriguing. like "each suffocates alone"- thought provoking for me. i don't know if i can give any criticism, it's a good piece. the only thing i didn't like was the amount of space between stanzas, it was a little bit distracting. as for the writing though- pure beauty.

    -cassidy


    • EvilKate
      May 14, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Spot on observation. I was going for a staggering, broken feel - to raise the sense of isolation, however, on reflection had gone a little too far. Another few edits done ... so I thank you kindly


  • Randomly Beautiful
    May 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    on sheets so cold,



    like her
    they too belong.

    Superb.


  • Malabu
    May 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    you rock girl



  • myrataal silver member
    May 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    What a wondrous descriptive poem ...

    Good use of assonance and internal rhyme, and stripped images -- good work!

    Love
    Myra


  • layla.
    May 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    you always have clever images in your poems.
    "that place of lung graffiti
    of way signs left
    by travellers before" <-- that's my favorite.

1 - 12 of 12