[may7]
don't leave me here
but it's too late
I watched your eyes as the bus pulled away
without you
so who's leaving who?
It took a long soulful kiss
and a quick goodbye
to pry myself out of your arms
and I wanted to cry
but I didn't want you to see
the damage I foresee;
the mess your absence will make of me
[may8]
Finally in a house together, alone
but I still cannot speak in more than a whisper
my lips to yours, our bodies pressed hard
play as if this is the last time your kiss me
and in a way it is,my kisses come more urgent
pushed by thoughts of your departure so soon
your leaving scares me; what to do in your absence?
When you're my sun, my earth and my moon.
I try to remember what it was like before
but I cannot summon a single memory
I'm sure I gave up parts of my life to be with you
but the person I'm kissing has slowly become me
there's no aspect of my life that's been left untouched
by your sweet presence... I love you so
and though I've only know you for four fuckin months
I can't stand the idea of letting you go
even if with guarantee that you're coming back
the week you're gone, anything could happen
hope by your return I'm still intact.
Just as I get used to your absence
you come back into my life
just for the second it takes to remind me
why nothing seems to feel right
I don't want to due, I want to see you again
but I'd welcome a cold dreamless sleep
I don't think I'll miss very much at all
if I just slept for a couple weeks
[May9]
again I awake from dreams of you
my subconscious isn't making this any easier
and the memories lurking in my head right now
are making me feel all the sleazier
more than ever I wish you were here
so I could have something to touch thats real
but you left me with only memories
and there's nothing tangible there to feel.
You've been gone too long
refusal to eat
you're driving me mad
or maybe thats my lack of sleep
Insanity and insomnia
are all I've got without you
and since I've still got a while to go
I better think of something to do
It's strange
how each time I tell you
it could be worse
it gets worse
as if only to prove me right
I give up.
It can't be any worse than this
I am without you
this shouldn't be
and it doesn't get any worse.
[May10]
I'm getting violent
I'm getting a reaction
my angst is slipping out
and its this season's latest fashion
you take away my boy
then you're taking away my love
different harsher emotions replace it
and I'm not sure where they're coming from
I've never been very aggressive
never an angry or violent person
and even though I feel so alone
it still gives me no justifiable reason
but anger seaped in like poison
leaving me no time toe understand
such violent emotions leave me confused
I think its because my hearts in his hands
and his hands are somewhere else
somewhere different altogether
and try as I might, my mind screams out FIGHT
because I can't think of any other
or anything else at all; my grades start to fall
I've seemed to lose all concentration
no matter how hard I try, I won't see him soon
so my mind is lost to frustration.
[May11]
It's only day five
and its a wonder I'm still alive
because I feel deader than dead
theres no clear thoughts left inside my head
there's nothing to me without you
THERE IS NO ME WITHOUT YOU
no I don't wanna be dead
this is just where your absence has lead
I'm full of feelings but no real thought
It's frightening what five days has brought
I want to be alive and I want you back
but it seems that life isn't cutting me any slack.
[May12]
You're probably having an affair with the sun
and it wouldn't be so bad
if it'd been someone I like
or someone you like
but you didn't get a choice of preference
let alone of affirmative or negative
so maybe this affair's a rape
but it still hurts just the same
If you're being raped
why am I the one traumatized
you've been taken forcedly
forcedly taken away from me
If I'm longing for you
and you're longing for me
then how could it be
that it is this way?
[May13]
I'm drunk on the withdrawal
and I'm letting it pull me in
I'm sick in body and mind
and it's this week's greatest sin
I get lost in the feeling's
the hurt and the cravings
for pain this fuckin pure
I'd pay my whole life's savings
it empowers me and cripples me
i use it and it uses me
you'd think I'd hate it
but it's quite the contrary
the withdrawal makes me do things
that I would not do before
whether it's the cause or an excuse
I wish not to be sure
because if this is the way I always feel
somewhere deep inside
I'm not sure I could live with the drugs
that keeps me from these rides.
i do the crime, I deserve the punishment
my sweet drug I couldn't live without
so even if this withdrawal is a wrecking ball
without it, I don't know what life's about
my addiction is more than needed
I crave the addiction itself
and with my drug gone, I crave withdrawal
and I love the withdrawal without doubt
it ruins me, yes, but its brilliant all the same
leaves you screaming in a dark room
tempting the boarders of insane.
[May 14]
I'm running out of distractions
to keep my mind off this mess
maybe if I keep my mind occupied
I won't long so much for your kiss
Life's strange and I'm a victim of the strangeness
I'm a stranger to my own life
so many changes, new things, dangers
I'm not sure if I'm doing this right
without you to tell me what's true
what's good, what's bad and what isn't
it's hard to make desicions I've never made before
without having one thing constant
when I have to hold myself back
from carving your name into my chest
to see the blood drenched letters
so perfectly laid across my breast
welcome to a new age of depression
addiction, desire
this is an obsession
absence, withdrawal
what am I to do
when I'm so completely
insane for you.
[May 15]
What it's like without you:
there are many feelings
but they're all one
it's abstract
but almost tangiable
it's unlike anything I've ever felt before
but it sounds right
to call it pain
I'm lost
and I haven't moved since you left
I'm sscared
with nothing to frighten me
I can't think
and my mind's full of thoughts
I'm a contradiction
curled up into a ball
trying to be tough
I'm a health hazard
but I couldn't hurt a living soul
I've got needles without uses
I've got razor blades
with no need of cutting
and I know you'd be disappionted
if I did anyway
[taking out a bit too personal for the internet]
I guess gorey fantasies
will keep my dreams
from more morbid things tonight.
Happy dreams of bloody messes
keep my mind off the mess I'm living:
day to day life
without you.
the first few days were the hardest
it doesn't feel like you're coming back anymore
while I think I know you are
I can no longer really be sure
and how could I be?
was it you yourself that told me your were?
or was that really just me
as a reasurance to myself
because I was going crazy
but now I've let go
it's been too many days, see
I wasn't all that stable before you left
this has only taken away a support
but I'm strong, I have more to keep me up
as long as I have will to live, hope
I can hold myself up.
You rip off a supporting leg
I'll cut off al feeling to it
I may begin to sway
but that's unavoidable
what matters is I save myself
that in the end I am still standing
I've still got a life
sure you were half of it
but I can will myself on
I can make it through all this shit
and maybe have something
that I can look forward to
and though I can't see it yet
I have the feeling it'll involve you
There are times
that I can't trust myself
to keep myself from harm's way
because sometimes
I A M H A R M
my mind's racing
I'm feeling sick
I swear to God
if my mind doesn't stop
racing in circles
Im going to throw up
but I guess I brought this upon myself
I thought it would take my mind
off the looming absense of someone
but instead of doing that
I've only allowed myself
to think about ten times more quickly
and rushing this fast
I'm not figuring out anything new
note to self:
desperate love
on an empty stomach
is bad for you health
I know this
but so appealing
it always seems
when I'm not feeling the rush
that I cannot stop myself
from begging for more
IM SHAKING
and my thoughts are making me sicker
because no matter how I look at it
I see the same thing:
the truth
You're not here.
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