Maisie May had so few friends ,
She always dwelt alone at night,
Sat amidst her broken toys.
Bereft of hope, a sorry sight.
Her mum, she rests across the yard,
No love from her did she receive,
And as for dad, he was never there,
For him she vowed to never grieve.
Now, on that mild mid summers night,
Approaching laughter she did hear,
Of two young and carefree boys,
Oblivious as they drew near.
Standing in the dusky gloom,
Smiling such a dreadful smile,
Sang she now a sirens song,
To bring them closer to defile.
Oh those poor and foolish lads,
They hearkened to those lethal tones,
Entering into dust clad gloom,
To be enclosed by coldest stone.
Maisie May has two new friends,
Who scream in horror as she plays,
For in her tomb they now reside,
‘Till broken on her pile they lay.
Scratched into the blackened stone,
Some weathered words or warning state:
‘Young Maisie May, filled with hate,
Slew her family, aged just eight.
Turned the knife upon her self,
Is restless now upon a shelf.
To everyone who comes this way,
Flee before you have to stay…’
Author notes
I am trying my hand are darker writes as they can be fun. I was not sure about having Maisie so young, so anyone who can think of another line that fits other than 'aged just eight' who feels it might improve it please IM me.
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Comments
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Awesome job! I really felt the emotion behind this piece! An A+ job! Keep up the awesome work adn thanks so much for the share! I really am looking forward to reading more of your work....which I probably have already............ I read a lot of stuff on here and try to comment on everyones....Sorry for my mindless ramblings.............HAHA!!!!!
Again.....Thanks so much for the brilliant write and share! Good luck with future writes....but judging from this, you don't really need much luck!!!!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~**~Heroesrox~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~* -
powerful poem
A surprising poem that ends where least expected - liked it - and aged eight is just perfect as it fits the tone of the poem.
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this is a lovely piec, it's really emotive and powerful, a brilliant write, well done.
Jess xXx
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This is really good & pretty eerie. I think the age of eight is cool though, it makes it even darker, or more "sick" feeling. The whole thing fits well, it has a nice flow & easy rhyme to it, (meaning it fits & does not make the reading seem awkward). With her newest victims being young & her as well & the rhyme & rhythm almost sing song like it has an extra creepiness to it I think. It's like a meal with a lot of different textures & flavors... very rich & well crafted I think!
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Vety well done
Keep it up. -
oh my goodness when i saw the first two lines, i thought that this was going to be a light hearted limerick type of poem but BOY was i wrong!!!!
sent shivers down my spine; thanks for posting this to read - very well written! -
Dark and sad ,but good images here
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demon children are creepy so age eight works perfectly.
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OMG. This is quite chilling. Demons find dwelling places even in the very young. One of my passions reading and watching true crime. Unfortunately eight is not too young, so I guess I can't suggest a change. Going for dark? You have definitely hit the mark with this one.
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scary put that is the way are world is going. Children killing each other and their families Very good dark write
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No, I think young little murderers are the creepiest and in keeping with the gothic feel of this piece. Well done. Captivating.
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Certainly dark, but I enjoyed the narrative you employed, it made the rather revolting subject matter into a nearly childish rhyme. Excellent job. Also, very nice job of using vivid but not jumbled language.
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forgot applause...
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I love it...that was amazing.
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I really like this write also And I agree with Laura that you have done a fine job here thanks for sharing much love always
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Oh good grief I ALWASY forget the applause!!
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It doesn't suck, but it was creepy!! Perhaps 'Slew her family, when she was ten and eight, but I know that doesn't flow very well, although 18 is a more realistic age. Or 'Slew her family on their estate' then age doesn't come into it. 'their destined fate.. couple of ideas. I should have read the notes first before the poem, I started reading thinking it was going to be light and humourous LOL!!
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TY for your feedback. I deliberatly started with light heartedly, but hoped the dark background would hint at grimmer things to come.
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I agree with Wayne... It was dark, twisted, and weird, and having Maisie Mae as a young child only adds to that macabre creepiness. A very profound, chilling write, full of imagery. Well done, and I wish you luck on the dark side.
Bravo,
Laura x
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thanks, I have always been considered a little odd.... This is my third darker write on here, and am sure that more will follow.
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I like this. This is good. Great imagery and the rhyme and flow are brilliant too. Holds dark atmosphere indeed.
All the best
Wayne Leon
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