"Burn desert down"
Said boy little
Outside, from mouth
Outside of love
Outside of head;
And explosion
Of color for
None to see,
but me.
All of this sand
Moving towards, and away
Over things alive,
Things dead.
An old man in an El Camino
(That has just come
down the mountain)
Asks me,
"Are you all alone master?"
I nod, and look towards
Where my father waivered out
More than two days ago.
"You are not alone son."
He states with a smashed smile
"Look at all of those
Tarantula holes."
Why he thought that was funny?
Was why I did not laugh.
He had it outside too,
And man, I mean bad
The day the desert
Burnt down.
Author notes
Written December 20th, 2003
In a list
A contest entry
- Hidden To Normal Eyes by forgotten remedy.
300 points, ended May 23, 2006, 18 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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"unoffending people" I beg to differ, I am very offended by any moron that poops in my yard; while simultaneously knowing these dogs are too stupid to know any better. As for the special moments? It's rather simple, we know absolutely nothing about eachother, and we have no 'moments' together to draw upon for reference in order to converse here as men. I'll fix it, I'm jeremi, and you are?
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I'm confused as to what's been said here, so please set me straight.
So you do recognize that I made no insinuations whatsoever--was very careful not to, in fact--regarding who you are, what you write about, why, what you do with your spare time, or anything else?
I saw the way you were tearing into the less talented, and I cringed on their behalf. I summarized what I saw in your comments in real terms (spare, nonspecific praise; needlessly negative criticism). Then I wondered out loud why someone of your skill and intelligence would be driven to say such insulting and discouraging things to unoffending people on this website--a tool designed to help writers improve--when you could show them how to annoy you less. It's fun. You get to feel like Yoda.
If someone attempts a constructive criticism of one of your poems, and you think it's outrageously stupid, just ignore it. Insult is not warranted.
Then I noted that you clearly put time and energy into this website, despite that you seemed to be of the opinion that it's a two-bit excuse for a writer's potluck.
Then I said I was confused, and asked earnest (albeit somewhat plaintive) questions about your motivations.
I complimented your writing (twice) and your grasp of mythology, made a joke (the Easy E thing), and I outright said that you seemed to be respectable and likeable.
You understand all of this, right? You seemed to say you do in your last post but I'm still uncertain.
You totally lost me with the "special" moments thing. I fancy myself a philanthropist, as well. As to what followed, neither of us has any insight whatever into what the other comprehends. Please set me straight on this matter. I've never yet made an enemy by asking fair, respectful questions.
Edited on Feb 11 because ''. -
... Oh, I see! You're detecting my less than polite tone
in a lot that I say and do.
Yeah, I'm trying to fix that. That's been a bitch.
I'm a touch socially retarded. -
I get a lot of hate mail from idiots, and I handle them all with the same equal amount of love and attention, I assure you. But I also get a plethora of support from my peers and family, so I go back and forth with my... Episodes and tantrums. I'm still a growing man, and things like that can be expected, savvy?
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I have pursued nothing. To openly state that you have some grasp upon how I write, or what I might care about, or might not care about? Or an inside lane into how I respond to others in general? Is general, and bolder than any mistake or 'thing' that I've said on this page that's for certain. You are merely correcting what you want to correct, seeing what you want to see, and believing what you'd like to believe. How original.
I teach mythology for free and creative writing to impoverished children in my community, and I support two great charaties as listed on my author page ( a pediatric aids charity, and a homeless charity). So yes, you're blind. And yes, I don't give a shit. I help everyone that asks, and especially those that deserve it whether they ask or not. And yes I ruthlessly chastise the ignorant, and do not go out of my way to teach the unteachable. I give only to those that earn my respect. Which is quite a lot of people. But lets be frank, you can't save them all. so save the ones that care to evolve.
I give away my talents increasingly for free. Teach children how to make music, act, write, read, etc...
And in fact, as a father, spend the majority of my time enjoying my
life and loves. The sheer lists I could make for you of people who I have WENT
above and beyond the call of duty to help is well beyond your
comprehension, as I'm sure the various 'special' events in YOUR life are
beyond mine. But since I'm aware of that fact, and you're still fumbly about making insinuations... I'll leave it at that. And yes, we all make mistakes, me especially.
Know why? I never went to school, I had to teach myself.
However, it's how we recover that's important, and how we apply
that information later, and to who, that matters.
thanks for your honesty and observations. -
Excellent poem, and btw
Apparently, you have a rapport with a number of writers whom I know and like, and you are plainly an intelligent, articulate person with a skilled pen. From your elaborate homepage, I can also see that you have made quite a name for yourself as an artist. I am not much for demagoguery, but based on those facts alone, I would tend to assume that you are a respectable, likeable guy. After reading your replies to some of the comments people left about this poem, however, I was prompted to wonder. I have just read every comment you've written since the middle of December, and I have to say that I find you very puzzling.
Your tendency is toward condescension and enthusiastic, unprovoked lampooning of less talented and/or less experienced writers (e.g. insecure teens of little writing experience, who write [bad] poetry as a means of self-expression and release). Chuckling at someone else's expense is just plain despicable when it's not done in private. After reading your harsh rebuff of Lethica, I feel I should also mention that I found a number of grammatical errors in your own words—both in your comments, and on your author page.
Your positive reviews are nearly always brief and nonspecific, and are almost exclusively reserved for writers who are widely known (on AP) to be excellent poets. You openly condemn AP as a source of inferior feedback on your work (and perhaps that is debatable). Meanwhile, your author page—which is clearly the product of much thought and effort—includes an extensive collection of rave reviews by credible critics, and links to your fan club. Front and center is an admittedly insightful, philosophical tome that is not wholly dissimilar to a transcript of an imaginary conversation between the goddess Kali, Sigmund Freud, and Easy E, on the subject of modern gender politics.
I am left to scratch my head. Why pursue the praise of people whose opinions you don't respect? If you are both widely published and well liked by the intelligentsia, why bother with an Internet community whose sole purpose is honing the skills of unseasoned writers? If you do so with altruistic intentions, then your nastiness toward those whom you might help most makes no sense to me.
I am not given to making uninfomed judgments, and I think your writing is excellent. Am I simply overlooking your good will, or do you just not give a shit? -
It's my gimmick to play with fools.
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i can barely type this comment from laughing so hard at this bizarre list of comments. You must be one of the most misunderstood poets on this site. Bravo for that! Are you not so delighted to be unique? I have read your work from time ot time. I am just an old lady, and i enjoy original ideas. Some of what i have read from you has no appeal to me, but then, some of it has the flavor of life so richly seasoned with youth and energy as to make me stop and think about how much pleasure and pain, mystery and love are contained in this world of wonder. That you can make anyone conptemplate such heavy matters is a gift indeed. Go for all of it Horus, all the emotion and energy and originalty that is inside your young soul. An artist is one who expresses inner self with flair and conviction. You are an artist.
as to these sily comments you leave others when they write stupid remarks, why do you bother? i suppose it must be to entertain oldies such as myself, my vinegar has lost it's bite, but yours, ah yours is very pungent yet!
rebeka
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Just about the only thing critical that I can offer is to say that the second and third stanzas are not my particular favorites of this piece. You've got this beautiful and extreme opening stanza, and I suppose I expected to see it immediately followed up by the same brilliance that appears later in the piece.
The conversational attitude you take with this piece is immensely appealing to me, because it immediately draws me in with that "Are you alone master?" and keeps me tightly involved all the way to the end. You are superb with openings and endings in your poetry, and one of these days I can only hope to be as good.
(A little ego-stroking never hurts, right? ) I hate sounding un-original, but the last stanza was definitely my favorite.
And now I feel this bizarre urge to carry a can of raid with me. Spiders scare me to death! -
Started out so simple, yet developed into something much more complicated, and then reverted back to the beginning. Quite a story you have told here.
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fuckem. i like it.
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You ask as if that's an uncommon occurance with you.
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I'm not really sure how this relates to my contest but good write
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????????????????????
I'm not really sure I got what all it was saying... but... very imaginative though... Best of luck in the contest.
~Dnnna~ -
Okay, this is my contest, so I don't know why 7tonever thanked you for entering! That's my job and I wish you good luck.
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That's where the fear eminates from, that's why.
Spider holes, dark holes, snake holes, all a metaphor for the uknown, but the spider... Is an ancient symbol for many other things, especially the tarantula. -
Neither, I was just trying to entertain an audience with a good poem.
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Good write im impressed with you metophores and ability to mold your poem to be quite interesting. I dont quite understand how the tarantulas are of any use to the poem but poetry is a window to the soul. and windows are many shapes,sizes,and colors! so keep writing im impressed.
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Alright, with these poems I never know if you are looking for praise or constructive criticism. I'm not going to offer simple praise just so you want it (but I may praise this -- we'll see), but I can offer you my honest opinion. In advance, I apologize for this comment in which I say nothing, but I find that people can be irritable if I simply don't praise their work.
So if you want something authentic, thorough, and analytical, I am your man. However, I only want to review your work if you want me to do it. Inform me if this would be appreciable. -
I liked it a lot. IT ws very imaginative and I think that imaginative oppoems are the best poems. Keep it up.
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I think not having electricity is the least of your worries.
Judging from how atrocious your grammar and spelling is.
My guess is you've been without electricity most of your life, and probably hail from a cave. -
possibly the stupidest comment I ever recieve
You can't even spell 'mediocre' you asshat, pardon me while I spend the next ten minutes laughing at you. -
This was medeoquer. Nothing Id give a trophy for, but keep trying. Mabey you could revis it a little...Im not sure how but tweak it a little and It might turn out to be a danm good poem!!! Thanx for entering!!!
XxxxRobinxxxX
Ps. SRY it took so long to reply "Frances was upon us" and as they say "people without electricity are powerless" -
I agree with the others--it flowed brilliantly and was very well-written!
Great work!
Good luck in the contest and thanks for entering.
Make sure to comment!
-z- -
lovely
I like this its has a lovely mood with an excellent flow of thought and idea! -
wow this was quite intresting you know spiders and the desert like jim and peyote following the scared indians through the desert looking to the hand that will bring you to what you may seek , well im pretty drunk and listening to the doors and babbling so i must go now but this was awsome as usual jeremi, i thought i read it already but then again I read so much stuff on here it;s kind if hard to remember what I have read and what I haven't but if I see my comment then I know I have, great pieve you are really a intresting guy woth knowing even if you are locked away in your mind somewhere in holywood, you rock and I jusy want you to know that if ever I can do anything for you just let me know cause you are worht a million and then some
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Ah Reno, you are... Inspiring to say the least. My sweet malign filet mignot, my obtuse muse.
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Well, as you know everytime I see you on the featured list i read it...and I was going to say something nice about this despite my distaste for poems with no rhythm.....but now that I've read some of yur comments and replies...I know that you're in need of no incouragement...you already think you're Jesus...so fuck you...you suck
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Nah, you have to enter contests, but at the same time just be more selective and wiser with the ones you select.
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I like reading your comments to lesser thans as much as I like reading your words strewn throughout the poetic process. You are something else, oops don't lambast me for saying that. People are not use to form, style and flavor that is so original, don't let it cook your goose. You know you're good and what else really matters. I don't think I'll enter any more contests. My experiences are not too great. The contest holders are asshole who don't even bother to read your entry, what the fuck is the use?
Now to your poetic gesture sir; I must say that the boy, the master, the father and the "sun" had everything and nothing in common all at once and the tarantul holes made me watch where I was treading. You are eccentric to say the least and I love every moment of it. I have to read this a couple more times or even hear it spoken to get the real flavor from the pen stokes. I would love to hear you at a spoken word forum. Keep it up babe! I shall return!
Jasmine -
Nicely written poem. The words indeed flow very well. The message is great. You did a wonderful job in writing the poem. Good luck in the Contest. Rick
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nice. i love how this is written...
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Also in 'real' literary circles. Where the grown ups hang out? They don't give out trophies for poetry sweet heart, so I don't know what you are talking about, but I can gurantee that if I had a bunch of my friends giving my virtual trophies for work that was in my opinion still quite 'green' I wouldn't be running around bragging about it, and passing it off as some kind of real literary achievement. I would be much humbler, because you never know how good the writer is that your comparing yourself to, you might be sticking your foot in your mouth, or as I would like to call it, "jumping into the wrong dog's back yard". I'll forgive you this time, but next time? I'll make you look frightfully retarded.
Edited on Dec 20, 10:29 p.m. because 'typo'. -
There is nothing 'different' about this poem, other than maybe it appears different to you, because it's poetically at a level you have yet to achieve.
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Well, indeed different but you could've made it flow better. The flow was very off balance, but other than that it was all right. Nothing to brag about of course, don't worry you'll get better ^_^
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hey, this is pretty good! glad i finnaly got an entry! this is really original, love the comparisions! thanks for entering! !
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