I slide into the water and wash away the grime
Then lay back whilst relaxing, for I have got the time
My feet are all a jangle, I turn then round and round
Whilst resting in my bathtub, I think of thoughts profound.
I look upon my body and like what I can see
For in this sacred garment, a person lives called me
I am a special person, a treasure to behold
I smile at every wrinkle and laugh at every fold.
Each person has such beauty if they have eyes to see
So climb into the water and see what I can see
Then learn to love that person and see just how you feel
Then touch your sacred garment, to see that it is real.
A contest entry
- a sacred garment... by PrabhuDayal Khattar.
300 points, ended May 24, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Wonderful immagery and , flow and the treatment to reveal the prompt..thanks for sharing it...my friend...
-
Very Good
The last stanza is perfect advice, for if we do not accept ourselves, then we will not accept others; and, if we cannot love self, we will not truly love others. In short, we cannot give what we first do not have. I do, however, feel that you missed the mark by not relating to the sacredness of these flesh garments.
There are several problems with the mechanics, easily changed:
(1) it appears that the intent for each line syllable count was 13; alas it is off in two places. . .
a. stanza 1, line 1, count is 12 syllables: suggestion, I slide into the water "to" wash away life's grime. . . "
b. stanza 1, line 2 read a bit awkward due to the redundancy of "have got." You either have/had the time or you "got" the time. You might want to rephrase this line in order to maintain the 13 syllable count. Sugg: "Slowly I laid back to relax, for I have the time" -- this removes the redundancy yet holds to 13;
c. stanza 2, line 4, count is 15: I suggest that you counted the words "every" (ev-er-y) as 2 syllables, when in fact it is 3 syllables; using the poetic form for this word in the 2 spaces where it occurs -- ev'ry -- would reduce the count to 13 while, at the same time, taking nothing from your work and intent.
Much love in Christ, BonnieQ
-
can you please touch my sacred garment? HAHA jk. good poem, enjoyed reading it. I like the fact that you rhyme! check some of mine out, they all rhyme
I'm new and need some feedback!
-
Great rhyming!
You did a GREAT job in rhyming. Also, the detail is very good. Such an interesting poem, full of lots of emotion. I can feel how you feel in this poem. Your word choice is absolutely spectacular. This poem really is one of my favorites of this site so far.
Adding your comment:
