"Please you've got to help me. It hurts. It hurts so much."
It's around mid day at work, judging by the where the sun slides in through the outer offices of this square building. I scrunch down in my seat, to try to keep my co-workers from over hearing my telephone conversation.
"Mother, have you told dad yet?"
He's not my father, but my step father, and I want that clear.
I was twisting the telephone cord tighter and tighter around my fingers. Watching as they grew red and tight as ripe tomatoes, wondering when she had been re-admitted into the mental ward again. Isn't there a limit to how many times you can be sent there?
"He knows. He agreed with them. I'm so scared. I'm so scared. It hurts. I hurt everywhere."
Her breath breaks against the craggy edges of her throat and she's crying again. Having been put under the umbrella treatment of ECT, electric shock therapy. It hurts, can damage the brain, causes the loss of years of memories and makes you wet yourself like a child.
She sounded like an orphan, gripping the reciever of the other end, and sliding the gold of a small pile of coins she had to keep slipping in one by one for this long distance pay phone call. So I caught her fall within one week. Stopping treatment with the very real threat of lawyers knocking on a white door of their mental institution. I don't play duck, duck, goose with the funny farm.
And all the while, I could imagine my five year old brother running loose through the neighborhood during all this. His fat father lying nearly naked on their ugly spread mattress that they stole from a Motel 6 years ago;
barely able to see over his belly towards the television. While he flipped aimlessly from channel to channel...
Author notes
just a bad memory, that's all. just a bad memory....
In a list
A contest entry
- In process of judging. by Viva La Vie Boheme.
700 points, ended June 10, 2008, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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hmm.... scary.
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I think you should be writing books instead of poetry,
I could read more
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Yeah well, I've been meaning to write a book for five years now and it hasn't happened yet.
Funny thing, life. Ironically I hate writing, even if I am good at it...
Of course, then again, all I do like doing anymore, is drifting aimlessly with my eyes closed.
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Humm..very touching and heartfelt write..you wrote it with a great intensity of the pain around the words..wonderful words..I can say...
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You should watch the syntax of your sentence structure. It's a little off. I know your first language isn't English, but you need to work on it a little more. It's a little confusing.
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I ,too, have a similar bad memory. Watching my mother being institutionalized for a total emotional breakdown and not being old enough to understand why. Every time I read your work I'm struck by how real and powerful your words are.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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I'm adding you to my favorites.
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Nice
I especially enjoyed the line," how to play duck duck goose with the funny farm"!!!!!
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It comes across like the stark white walls and white light of the mental ward...brilliant to me, but I do so enjoy your prose, I want a book ya hear!
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Oh wow, the imagery and emotional impact of this is strong. I'm usually leery of offering critique on personal pieces, since it's so easy to upset someone, but I'll take you at your word that you're interested in some honest critique and just go down a few points that came to me as I read.
One thing I think may strengthen this piece is some pruning and focus. Some parts are a tad wordy. For example:
It's around mid day at work, judging by the where the sun slides in through the outer offices of this square building.
Why not:
It's around mid day at work. The sun slides in through the outer offices of the square building.
Another thing I noticed is the switch from present tense to past tense - so easy to do when writing descriptions. But usually, it's best to stick to one tense.
I noticed sentence fragments in this piece - where they deliberate? If not, the story may be better off having them be made full sentence.
Final thought: The use of "was" usually detracts from the story by making the image or action less direct. Example:
I was twisting the
vs
I twisted the
Now the action is done directly. It might seem a small thing, but when taken in context, the imagery and the actions seem fresher for the reader's imagination. (Though I will be the first to admit that it's also a matter of style).
All the structure commentry aside, I just want to say that I very much enjoyed reading this story. It is beautiful, haunting, realistic and frighteningly easy to imagine.
I hope these thoughts are helpful, and I am glad I had a chance to read this story. Good luck revising this piece, and if you have any questions about anything I said, or want further comment, just message me.
Cheers for the read,
Nocturne
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