I have a photograph of you,
your eyes are shuttered against the world.
You seem at peace,
a soft moment
until I notice the crease in your brow,
and the gentle wrinkles
playing about your lids as if
you are breathing too deep.
Perhaps a sharp ache sears
your thoughts or
jolts you into memory
and I don’t understand.
Author notes
Was just looking at a picture and this appeared in my head
A contest entry
- What We Feel by alyssaxo.
450 points, ended May 23, 2008, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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wow, this is deep. I can see why you would receive an award for it! =D i especially liked it when you described the wrinkles on his eyelids. Enjoyable! Very! loved it!
lol,
pb fudge/adria
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Another great piece, you definitely have a way with words. Congrats on the bronze trophy!!
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Ohhh,
this is stunning,
absoulutly.
It reminded me of...a Jackson Brown song....
...Fountain of Sorrow...on the...Late for the Sky album.
I have a similar piece to this called...
...Looking For Yesterday.
I am infatuated with the idea of this piece...
photos capture time,
staring and studying the past,
The small nuances..
Such a breeding ground for good poetry.
And you made the very best of it gypsy.
The tile...
so simple,
but says so much..
it drew me to it.
I love this piece so much,
and i rarely nit - pick..but i want this piece to be absolutely perfect...
just a suggestion.....
now keep in mind i love it just the way it is..but i think you can get an extra punch with this......
You seem at peace,
a soft moment,
until I noticed......
the line ..a soft moment... should stand alone...it gives the piece the serenity of your understanding.
Leaving the word...until....to join the next line.
If you have ever read any of my comments, well if I don't like something , i wont comment...but this piece is a thing of beauty and you should be proud.
I know Im proud of myself for having a feeling you were an artist.
Great piece.
Blessings Gypsy,
LOWELL POE
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Beautiful!
This is so soft and lovely it gently caresses the mind and imagination of the reader.
Lovely sentiments and so well written and flowing, so soothing and honest.
Beautiful work, love it, fabulously well done.
Poetic Hugs,
Kaz.
Kazytc xx
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This is very pretty and thoughtful, thank you for sharing this with us. You totally deserved the placing in the first contest this was entered in, and I wish you the best of luck in the second one. I loved how much feeling managed to seep into my perspective, even in it's beautiful simplicity. You took a small part of your life, and made it beautiful and complex, even if the actual moment was fleeting. I enjoyed reading the simple yet elegant flow, and matching words. I enjoyed reading this a lot, and i hope to read more from you soon ^_^
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pretty, whimsical and longing. YOu captured well (In my opinion anyway) the feeling of looking at a frozen split-second of time, and trying to extrapolate from it something of importance.
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I was pulled in by the title of this piece. (excellent choice of title by the way). I like your unpredictable journey moving through this piece, and the pause, in the close "and I don't understand" reverbates wonderfully causing this reader to think again of this picture. Nicely written introspection. I enjoyed experiencing this piece. Geo
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very good poem, pictures are amasing things to write off of. and i like the poems deeper meanings
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The poem is written in simple languge with vivid diction. And yet it is thought provoking. The reader has to think as to what causes 'the crease in' the 'brow'. Is it because of the worldly pangs, or is it an indication of a rift between two lovers. Or is it only an anxiety which has no real foundation. So the poem, despite its apparent simplicity, is not as simple as that.
Rahi
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This is amazing. I like how you were inspired to write this poem. Great job and congrats.
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Hm, this was a really neat poem. I enjoyed reading it very much. This was a wonderful idea of a poem, and you really did an amazing job. Good luck in the contest.
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Ah..this is indeed a heartfelt descrtiption you made here..I love the tone and the image..well done...my friend....
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