"Sand was first, then the glass"
said the man that pressed your face
to the cold drum
A low beat:
Badda thump ba thump per rump
Badda thump ba thump per rump
Badda thump...
A folded flag for the son
Frozen moments burn all eyes
In winter the ground is hard,
and broken -- The long glare
Signalman, and a stout priest
Horizon, clumps of earth
Off to one side a square hole
Sailors fire into the sky
JOLT-LOCK-FIRE!
Boy jumps again, but not for ball
not for father, not for summer
what with the black and all, it all stands out
December, it all streaks out
December, with Jesus Christ -
- I heal, December, taps
Phone call:
"Hello, how are you?
My uncle died, suicide.
My mother's fault?"
My end:
"In debt and drunk
are not real reasons
… There's more."
We both know other things too
Better times and frames of mind
Events, then rapture
and more taps.
In a field, a man stands poised and aims
for a war against himself
He wins
A family sleeps nearby, suburbia
forever with him untold
His mother tells the church
“A jogging accident, depression -
- Garage sale shotgun.
Author notes
For Michelle
option 7
Written December 20th, 2003
In a list
A contest entry
- the ordinary and impossible by dreamweaver08.
300 points, ended May 23, 2006, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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"In a field a man stands poised and aims
For a war against himself
He wins"
Great imagery and very honest and true. I also really love the last line of your poem. Your poem hits home for me, I lost my alcholic boyfriend to suicide two years ago and it is still hard to put into perspective.
Too some people suicide is still taboo to talk about or write about. I admire that you wrote this poem. Pen on
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Yes. Suicide is a dead end street in more ways than one. The worst part is the damage it does to those who are left behind. Having lost two friends to suicide, I know what it's like. Hopefully, your New Year will be better and nobody will die untimely.
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I think this piece was about as perfect as a piece of poetry can get, your word choice is excellent , the flow smooth but yet halting in just the spots it needs to be, the subject haunting, the imagery intense and the way it all works together to give the reader just enough information to allow them to insert their own opinions without changing the overall meaning of the piece and leaving them wanting, needing more and pondering long after they've closed off this page and gone on to read another...brilliant! Oh, by the way, did I mention I liked this piece?
Ruth
Edited on Dec 01, 8:46 because 'typo'. -
Glad to know that the child losing his father to a war made you smile.
good luck! -
Holy hell for gripping the reader and forcing them to read this. Great job
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wow this is great!!!! i love it. oddly enough i have friend michelle who this sorta reminds me of her life i love thsi bit about the suicide uncle i know what a hole suicide thins can hurt you. good luck in the conteat and thanks for entering
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Reminds me of Proust somehow. It certainly does seem like stream of consciousness. Good write.
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wow
this is really differnt from anything I've read before....you have a unique style of writing, Good Luck. Vxxx
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it was about war but whan i realized what it
wow this is really an amazingly written poem it flows very nicley and really pulls together. At first i had thoughts that it was about war but when i realized what it was about that made sense. great job -
hommophones rule
I really don't want to do this, but you used to incorrect form of then. I like the metaphores you used. My favorite line is "Better times and frames of mind", it just hits me and I like the rhyming within the line. Good Write.
4EVER BEIN ME,
WESLEANN -
Wow. Thats about all I can really say
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wow, that poem hits close to home, at my grandpa's funeral when they fold the flag and hand it to my grandma and play taps in the backround and shoot the guns. very nice job. i love the description it was like that day was replaying in my head. very nice job and good luck in the contest.
"L" and Jess -
A very moving write, Jeremi. I felt such sadness while reading this, still feel it. You've touched something inside me with this most awesomely wonderful poem, dark and sad.
Dee
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this is music
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You know, I am continually amazed by your writing. I think I added you to my list of favorites, but I will be making a point to make sure you are there right after this comment.
Anna -
Yikes! Damn... just damn. You really know how to get a choke-hold on a reader and just throttle them until the see the light, don't you? This was a fantabulous write, and I don't think I could find something about it I didn't like, if I tried.
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*gulp* This was truly and intense read, you showed pain so clearly and so vividly that it took my breath away. Nice job!
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this poem was cool
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holy sh't... awesome awesome awesome... so powerful and moving, one of my favorites in this contest so far... i LOVE the descriptions, the broken rhythm, the sound effects... i could see everything happening and feel the emptiness inside... great great great write! best of luck...
)O( neuentag -
Great write!! I loved it!! Thank you for joining in on my contest!!
-Jess -
"As Many Tears I Shed, As Many People Are Dead."
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for some very very strange reason, all i can picture when i see this are natives dancing...i dont know..then again certain images pop up in my brain when reading something, this definately has a tribal beat to it, it flows beautifully, but..im weird like that.
Nyx...
Edited on Jan 04, 5:53 p.m. because ''. -
Excellent!
Congratulations! I knew you had it in you!
Maureen
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Thatwas intense!! You made it reall with your style and word choice. real enough to make me shiver. excellant writing.
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This uses sound - bugle (taps), drum and the gun salute very effectively.
The reference to 'better times' makes the feeling in this poem even more sad.
I like the structure of the last stanza - shovel shaped and pointing to the ultimate act. Great write! Thank you for entering my contest!~ -
Deep thought here. This I must so was writen with alot of thought and heart.
Frozen moments
Burn all eyes in winter;
The ground sure is hard,
but broken.....breathtaking.....my favorite part.
TD
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I can see why this is a favorite of yours, its clever and well detailed. It's gettin late and I'm reeeeeally tired so sorry the comments are gettin really short. Thank you much for he entry and good luck,
Crystal -
lol, this is great, good job!
~Rhea~ -
Here's a Metaphorical poem, and one of my personal favourites
Edited on Dec 20, 11:42 p.m. because 'Changed contests'.
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