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Mo' Better Hebrews

the incessant
erratic
mad metal monkey drumming
from the AC
makes me count the shadows
on that bare wall

as the lamp
takes over from the daylight
Gideon burns a hole in the drawer

  for the word of God is quick and powerful
  and sharper than any two-edged sword
  piercing even to the dividing asunder
  of soul and spirit and of the joints and marrow
  and is a discerner of the thoughts
  and intents of the heart


and I am waiting
naked in mind and body
for the daylight
to dim the lamp
  and for an excuse
  to shower



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A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • Gagiikwe
    January 15

    Edit | Reply
    Stanza 1: Captures the image and sounds of a cheap motel very well. I like the hard illiteration as a tool to reenforce the image.
    Stanzas 2 and 3: Goodanya Gideon! Quoting only Hebrew 4:12 intensifies the aloneness, angst, frustration, of the individual. Because you did not quote from verse 13 to 16, the hopelessness of the individual is emphasised. Hope rejected is hopelessness indeed.

    The poem addresses the contest very well.

  • tara wilson gold member
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    congrats on the hm - this poem is very unique..
    and your imagery is so interesting...

    "as the lamp
    takes over from the daylight
    Gideon burns a hole in the drawer" ..I love that


  • AJ Morelli gold member
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Certainly the best title of the contest... a sharp, tight piece with plenty of room for the reader, i like this...


    thanks for entering it here


    al


  • Oraculus
    May 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Excruciatingly delicious!

    Well done like perfect toast and jam with not too much butter... DW


  • Luna Tique Fringe
    May 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    lol..the mad metal monkey..he's been in my room once or twice.


    • Mairi bheag gold member
      May 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      ... and yet the AC rattles, and we don't call maintenance. We don't even go over and kick it!


  • Dalaney gold member
    May 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    We have both entered this contest and we have both mentioned the bible...simpatico, cousin, Of course, you outshine my entry and your title is killer This is a stunning write, and one I'm sure AJ will agree with me on. Love, Lane

    • Mairi bheag gold member
      May 12, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Y'know, you and I won't get very far in our writing if we spend all our time telling each other that the other one's poetry is better than our own.

      Five'll get ya ten a few more people have mentioned the Bible in this contest, too.

      Anyhow, as always, i am glad you liked this.

  • Rowan gold member
    May 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Love the ending, the whole write actually! Well done.


  • RedAquarius
    May 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I had been pondering entering this contest but this and a few other writes make me lay down my pen in deference to greater talent! I love the brimstone feel you tucked in between the sheets here!


  • Amera gold member
    May 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sleepless nights, thoughts of being alone and a statement of faith all penned in a sad verse. Here's a hug

    Love,
    Amera♥

  • Bad Bill
    May 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Cool, written in a very contemporary manner, and excellently worded. Love the title!

    Bill


  • cricketjeff gold member
    May 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I have been in that motel, mine was just South of Rochester, NY. If you stay for a couple of weeks after a business trip the quality of the rooms goes down fast!

1 - 18 of 18