the incessant
erratic
mad metal monkey drumming
from the AC
makes me count the shadows
on that bare wall
as the lamp
takes over from the daylight
Gideon burns a hole in the drawer
for the word of God is quick and powerful
and sharper than any two-edged sword
piercing even to the dividing asunder
of soul and spirit and of the joints and marrow
and is a discerner of the thoughts
and intents of the heart
and I am waiting
naked in mind and body
for the daylight
to dim the lamp
and for an excuse
to shower
In a list
A contest entry
- Woman in a motel by AJ Morelli.
2000 points, ended May 27, 2008, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Stanza 1: Captures the image and sounds of a cheap motel very well. I like the hard illiteration as a tool to reenforce the image.
Stanzas 2 and 3: Goodanya Gideon! Quoting only Hebrew 4:12 intensifies the aloneness, angst, frustration, of the individual. Because you did not quote from verse 13 to 16, the hopelessness of the individual is emphasised. Hope rejected is hopelessness indeed.
The poem addresses the contest very well.
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congrats on the hm - this poem is very unique..
and your imagery is so interesting...
"as the lamp
takes over from the daylight
Gideon burns a hole in the drawer" ..I love that
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Certainly the best title of the contest... a sharp, tight piece with plenty of room for the reader, i like this...
thanks for entering it here
al -
Excruciatingly delicious!
Well done like perfect toast and jam with not too much butter... DW
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Enjoy your breakfast.
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lol..the mad metal monkey..he's been in my room once or twice.
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... and yet the AC rattles, and we don't call maintenance. We don't even go over and kick it!
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We have both entered this contest and we have both mentioned the bible...simpatico, cousin,
Of course, you outshine my entry and your title is killer 
This is a stunning write, and one I'm sure AJ will agree with me on. Love, Lane
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Y'know, you and I won't get very far in our writing if we spend all our time telling each other that the other one's poetry is better than our own.
Five'll get ya ten a few more people have mentioned the Bible in this contest, too.
Anyhow, as always, i am glad you liked this.
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Love the ending, the whole write actually! Well done.
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Thanks, Rowan.
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I had been pondering entering this contest but this and a few other writes make me lay down my pen in deference to greater talent! I love the brimstone feel you tucked in between the sheets here!
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It's always worth having a go!
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Sleepless nights, thoughts of being alone and a statement of faith all penned in a sad verse. Here's a hug
Love,
Amera♥
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Thanks, Sis. I think I'm proud of this poem.
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Cool, written in a very contemporary manner, and excellently worded. Love the title!
Bill
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At last someone has called a poem of mine "cool"!
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I have been in that motel, mine was just South of Rochester, NY. If you stay for a couple of weeks after a business trip the quality of the rooms goes down fast!
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