music drowned
the other night
in a tub
of coke and soap
poetry died
the other night
of a heart failure
and a drug overdose
the storm
must have been too big
to ride
the bounds of reality.
and all obscurity faded
into the recesses of the night
while the shooting star
followed into where
rests the heart of wilde.
too many people
probe into the death
some call call it murder
and others term it
suicide
speculations would never end.
but how does that matter
for the pages
might yellow with time
but the lullabies
wouldn't fade so simply...
A contest entry
- Poem of the Day - POD by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended May 15, 2008, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Congrats on the HM...
I hope to see you again!
Write on.
*PEACE* -
One last thought on your title...if (IF) it was meant to be "Rip" as in "Rest In Peace", each letter should be capped.
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Hi to you, and welcome
your poem here was not too bad.
However, in these PO contest, sometimes stronger, more powerful deliveries will get you to the top.
For instance, in Lines3 and 4
tub, coke, and soap are all stroung objects, when strung together.
Yet with phrases like "music drowned"
and "poetry died"
you resort to the cliche...
"shooting star" is by far the most prominent example..
Wilde should be capitalized, unless misspelled...regardless of the lack of throughout...
but on the lighter side of things, there are two things to take with you...this is a better poem than alot of others, and this is only my take on it...
thanks for joining us, we would love to have you back...
good luck
Title: 7.5
Theme: 8
Flow: 9
Impact: 8.45
Rules: 9.2
Creativity: 9.5
Big Bang Moment:8.5
Grammar: 9
Quality: 8
Poignancy: 8.6
85.75 Final Score
no editing once scored
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Aloha and welcome to the PO!!
I hope with all the critiquing going on...you join us again! This was a tough one...and you did well editing
to a point. This shows you weren't quite focused to take all of the "forbidden" words out...lol anyway..
title extremely cliché... but all in all not bad for a first time out!!! You will recieve my final score at the end of the contest.
Best wishes..hope you return!!
Write on.
*PEACE* -
Hi and welcome to the PO contests!
Wow, what a great start you had with your poem...but then....ouch! I think the main issue I have is similar to what Bear said about not clarifying your thoughts quite enough, so I’m going to expand my thoughts on that a bit because I think it’s worth repeating.
You have wonderful metaphors to begin with, but remember a metaphors job is to bring your reader a greater understanding of your thoughts and ideas. While yours paint very interesting imagery for me, they don’t give me quite enough information to “connect” them with your theme. (Or what I’m guessing is your theme, since it isn’t in the AN
) I feel your 4th stanza is the heart of the poem, so for me, something needs to be there to make me understand why...or how...music and poetry “died” and what they have to do with murder, suicide...and then “lullabies” get thrown in at the end, also not making a connection for me. It’s okay, and even good, to make your readers work a bit to understand a poem, but you don’t want them to be totally lost either. This does hold together in a very loose way, but I think you’ll find a greater impact if you have better clarification. (Stanza 3 seems like it tried to do that and unify the write, so maybe just a few tweaks there would do the trick, even.)
One of our “rules” this week was to not use certain filler words. Most of the time you will find words can be rearranged or substituted, and “fillers” can be easily removed altogether. Not always, of course, but often. For example, taking a few lines from the end of your poem:
“but how does (it) matter?
pages
might yellow with time
but lullabies
wouldn't fade so simply...”
You’ll find the most power and impact in strong nouns and verbs, with a few well-chosen adjectives. The fewer filler words you can get by without using, the more clear and concise I think you’ll find your poetry. Remember, you aren’t bound by nearly as many grammar rules as when writing prose. Anyway, it’s something I hope you’ll consider and maybe play with a bit in your future writing.
I think you have a good theme here, just a bit of tweaking needed to give it the “wow!” factor we love to see in a PO contest entry. Your imagery is pretty darn good but probably more so in the beginning, so try to keep concrete images throughout your write.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck. I hope you’ll consider joining us in future PO contests. Keep in mind the few things my co-judges and I suggest and your scores are bound to soar even higher!
Best wishes,
~J.
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Hi there :)
Hi there....welcome to the PO' contests!
...it is so nice to have you jon us :)
Let's dig right in, shall we?
You have ..>>> call call.....4th stanza ~
You did forget a few things pertaining to the Rules.....and it is very important to read every Rule....every time... :)
Other Poets tried to help you out, but I guess you did not get their messages :(
Repeating words is a big no, no.....as I want to look forward into your write, and not go backwards where you last mentioned the word you just repeated ~
You began your write with some soft metaphores, and I was a little disappointed when you decided to cut them short :(
Capping lines is not really an issue....however, since you used punctuation, it is always proper to stick with your format and Cap the beginning of lines ~
I liked your Theme....it had the potential to be most original thus far......nonetheless, the problem I see with your entry, is not huge, yet the small areas of grammatical choices which hinder your entry ~
You seem to be adrift with your thoughts, not clarifying each line thouroughly enough.....for me :)
Your Theme is nice....your Tone is smart.....but there are other areas which I look at, and my scoreboard will speak for itself ~
I hope you join us again with your talent.....just watch out for poetically correct Tone and format, and I beleive you are going to walk away with a Gold soon!
Good luck, thank you for entering, and may God bless you richly!
Bear ~
Title 6.5...cliche' and not enough info to bring me into your write from afar -
Flow 9.1...not bad, just need to edit some areas of grammatical issues -
Depth 8.9...was a bit disapponted in the level of thought, in your entry -
Theme 9.5
Feelings 7.95
Grammar 9.15
Presentation 9.5
Uncommonness 9.0
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.25
Ability to follow Rules 9.0..you forgot your AN and the Rules of Filler Words -
Bears Score: 85.85
Not bad at all!
:)
You have another Judge coming behind me :)
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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oh wow, thanks for the comments and the HM ....had been offline for over a month! This poem was dedication to James Douglas Morrison, my all time favourite poet and singer!
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Hello! Welcome!
Welcome to the PO contests..I really like your poem! Take a moment, though, to check out all the rules for this contest..there are some tricky ones. First off, put your "theme" or topic in your AN..it's required. Also, there are some "filler words" banned this week, and you have used them..they will deduct points for that. They are "and, the, to, and that" This is a strong write and theme, and has great potential to score well with just a bit of editing. Good luck in the contest!
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Nice review Neon :)
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Thank you Neon :)
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This is quite interesting and an enjoyable read. However, you need to re-read the rules! You don't have PO or theme in your author's notes, and you have used the "no-no words" way too many times - you will lose points on all of that. Also, while editing, think about a stronger impact in your lines....in addition, repeating some phrases weakens this - for this contest. I like this and what you are saying, but you could make it much better by changing some of your common words with more unusual wording.
But you have a real good basis here, I think, to have an outstanding write with some work.
best wishes
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Nice review boomer :)
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Thank you boomer :)
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