The silver spears that shatter in the garden of my heart
Play tattoos of painful pleasure on my skin
Though this feeling doesn't matter and it only forms the start
Of designs that have my heartaches held within
The ecstasy of artwork that my garden paints inside
Fills my dreams with silent shudders every night
Like some strange eternal partwork with an ending I must hide
While I draw the dark conclusions to the light
But I know that's just illusion it is simply summer rain
Not the gods betraying sorrow in their tears
The tattoo's a sad delusion that is drawn from mental pain
While I wait to breathe surrender to your ears
A contest entry
- How's the Weather? by Judith Chandler.
625 points, ended June 29, 2008, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - (my ap family) prewrite contest by serenity silvermoon.
490 points, ended January 28, 115 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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This is a very touching poem. I love how you write oh well, again this is just finnominal and just.. oh this isa beautiful poem kep writin Jeff Green because someday, people will talk about you. Never in my life in all oems I've read, have I ever seen a poem such as this. Bravo! Never stop writng, and b proud of the work. Be confident. Be YOU.
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I just loved this... touches me deeply.
Simply wonderful!
A~
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challenge
sometimes you challenge me to inquire about a word...partwork...had to look it up...but, this is good...so I have a new word for today....and, I did really enjoy the poem. The vision of tattoos ...beauty and pain...great stuff ! -
A garden inside your head
Isn't that what you said
Make sure all the bugs are dead
and all the flowers are fed
This poem makes me want to plant catnip plants for my Cat Food.
Tiki Cat, CEO of Tiki Cat Food Corporation
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Beautiful description and imagery, simply wonderful.
xXxPurexXx
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this is a beautiful entry
congrats on the award! -
A massive seeming piece, though that adds to the natural flow of the rhyme. Brilliant work as always
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I like the rhyming scheme you had with this poem...feelings and objects of the past, often are embedded deep and somewhat permanently in one's mind and heart, like a tattoo. A very excellent write, poet...
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wonderful and intense... very good imagery... congrats on the bronze.. well deserved
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what a wonderful piece ... such intense images folded into subtle, powerful language. the play in the theme and words of the piece is very inviting.
thanks.
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What a wonderful write!
Congratulations to you on your trophy
and keep up the great work here.
Thanks a lot for sharing this one!
Jeremy0826 -
Congratulaitons on your trophie. I loved the rime.
*HS*
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Today's Poem: 11/08/2008
TPB
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Wow. This is incredible. I love the rhyme and the timing. Excellent.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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What a goof!
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Unusual phraseology throughout accented by good internal rhymes. Congrats on bronze! Perhaps we'll see more of your productions now that the 10-part contests are behind you. Maybe you'll get more chance for more creation time?
Waiting for tea sure wouldn't have been my first guess as to what we were speaking about before! Interesting! -
a brilliant piece... personally i thought u deserved a gold fer this one altho i didnt see the other entries... i love this one coz i have six tattoos myself and can associate the pain with love. in fact one of my tattoos is a rose with the thorns digging in and a drop of blood fer every time ive been hurt by a man. gr8 stuff,
hugs,
georgie,
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You must have the rhythm in your soul and the rhyme tattooed on your bones. They seem to be so effortless! (Though, I imagine it was well thought out.) So much of your poetry is romantic and also sad. I feel it in my heart. Very nice writing...AGAIN! ~ Joyce
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This is very much written in the style that I write. So I already like it. =] I love the fluency and meter. Wonderful imagery as well. Best of luck in my contest with this write.
Keep it up. -
"While I wait to breathe surrender to your ears"
Where are your ears I'm surrendering!!!
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you've got an amazingly fine and acute sense of rhythm and flow: your final line whooshes the way it needs to here, you sue contractions well to avoid gallop as in first line of final stanza, you use precise and obvious sound rhymes yet they have been toned down by the length and breadth of the lines they tone and the thoughts within, and you have a nice variation of these and less obvious, not that obvious is bad, for you have made it good, but as in lst and 3rd lines you have a sound rhyme but it is not a sight rhyme as all the others are ... which means you know the difference and used that as a way to emphasis an important early idea, that the skin and heart, though connected, are not one another's slaves, only insurrectionists to each other on occassions necessary ...
Your first two lines of the final stanza drip and brawny, yet cool and precise sarcasm about getting too dreamy of such as the rain, for it is not teardrops of the gods, which would be trite, but water ... yeah, that stuff can be a lot more than tears, it sparkles and whispers, like your final line ...
I have seen your name before and you have thrashed me at contests before ... and I shall upon the strength of this alone make you a fav, I dont have many, because I'm a ninny (attempt at doggerl
most pleased to have read this poem, and i don't even like rhymed poetry as rule, but then again, good poets don't fit like good rules, they just write good poetry
Moqui
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Aside from the typo ...
in the final line (breathe, not breath), this is absolutely perfect. If you added a final couplet, you'd also have a perfect sonnet.
Possibly one of the finest poems you've ever written, or will ever write.
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Thank-you!
It's in alternating meter so a couplet would be hard to make fit I think. It is one of my favourites of mine, when really good poets agree with me I feel so honoured
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Yes, I noticed ...
comments from a number of really good poets. However, I make up my own mind.
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One very good reason that I value your comments so highly is that you always decide for yourself. I thank-you for that, not all reviews on AP are helpful, yours always are.
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This is how I have been feeling for several days lately... am I picking up on your emotions? Jeff this piece out of all of yours speaks so fluidly and succinctly on feelings that all of us go through eventually. It is poignantly beautiful and touching. Thank you for writing it.
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"it is simply summer rain" Nice write.
Thank you for entering my contest. -
Though it doesn't have the distinctive rhythm of others I've read of yours, the message I take to heart and feel assured we are of kindred souls.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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I enjoyed every line!
Great work!
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This poem is incredible, Jeff. It is a heart tugger, to be sure, but despite the underlying sadness, there is such beauty in the imagery. I love this shadow poem, Jeff. I truly do. Love, Lane
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You paint a beautiful, if sad picture here.As for summer rain, there is plenty here today.I will try to stop the flow so that your illusion remains intact.Have a great day, Ros
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This is beautifully sad and really speaks to the reader. As always, your rhyme and meter is on target. All in all a wonderful Quatrain.
Love,
Amera♥
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A multilayered write that's haunting and beautiful. I can feel the yearning in your words overlying a steely resolve not to yield but to carry on. Wonderful imagery. Thank you for sharing...
Ken
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Another one of your superior poems.
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Beautiful but tinged with a sadness that I can almost feel.
It's also a bloody good poem and (dare I say it), another one of your best
Sue
xx
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Bro, this is an outstanding poem.
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I love you dear you know this. I am so sorry...
Always
Tory
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