She’d Loved him like there was no tomorrow
"She doesn’t wanna leave she’s just wondering if there’s life out there..."
She listened to every word he said,
searchin, tryin to collect and find
Every possible meaning,
That said something different from how he acted.
They all aked her, "why stay,"
And though she could find no reason as to why she did,
other than the fact that she Loved him.
And it was a fact, written in stone, in the heavens, and in the sky
That she loved him, Loved him with everything she had
Gave him her all, just to watch him throw it away
Spilled her soul on a daily basis
Just to watch him look away
In contimplation, a lapse in judgement maybe
she gave up and let go,
now he’s tryin to hold on
and he’s tryin to give the love
he never gave before
She can only wonder
how long it’ll take him
to realize,
That he lost her, and her everything, and the love that was written in the heavens
Author notes
10. age 17
A contest entry
- CALLING ALL TEENAGERS...... by InfiniteCaitlin.
800 points, ended June 9, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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This is Saturated in Cliche. I've read this same poem I feel several times over. The vocab is simple, there are no images and it is actually quite boring. you left a g off of searching I assume to make it appear to the reader in today's common vernacular. That totally did not work in your favor. If you want to fix this stop repeating the same few words and ideas over and over and find a direction to take it in. The one part where this piece picked up was the line "IN contemplation." that one line gave this piece some kind of salvation. This really needs revision.
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I'm not a a huge fan of the style, but it isn't.. horrid? It's just so skippy to me. Anyway. Onto the actual commentation.
*Contemplation
Also the repetition of always at one point, you had it every other line, which made it sound like you were making a bad attempt at rhyme.. Maybe try a different word?
Other than that, great job and good luck in the contest. -
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thanks for the tip, i dont quite understand what repetition of always you're talking about. Maybe I'm reading your comment wrong or something.
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Typo on my part, Away.
12, then 14. It ends both lines.. It makes it sound weird when I read it out loud.
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