[because i can't use pictures] Here we lay our scene. A fine noble man, full of the riches of the world, and clean beyond measure. He has found, though, that joy seeks something greater than riches; and thus riches have only left him...discontent.
-Laying in my world of grey
I could no longer live.
If something doesn't happen now,
I feel.. my life will give-
While walking down my road of dirt today,
I noticed something amid the puddles of who knows what...
It was a girl, a beautiful girl; sitting in the rain.
Astoundment. how could one..
sit.
in the dastardly things?
Yet she appeared so..
Happy.
Beautiful.
-I guess I looked less than that..
I suppose, I'd had a hard day;
As she..beckoned from the shat,
and asked if I would like to play-
Play?
Children play.
Shall i find contentment in making a fool of myself?
Ha!
Such logic, vile.
-I suppose my look was dastardly
for she peered back bastardly,
but then. something else i saw,
something..creeping.. up her jaw
=]
happiness was all she knew,
and through me, I dare say she sew'
She giggled. She /grabbed/ MY hands, and...we...began..to dance...
She was covered in mud...and consequently..
I soon also..
in the stuff.
She was happy, content with life
enigma. enigma!
She took my confusion wrongly,
And innocently. beautifully...
began to give
Everything she had
for my joy.
So i could feel what she felt.
pleasant.
perplexant!! (!&%#^)
pleasant.
Constant; persistant joy soon broke through my intellect...
I forgot my worries.
I felt.
Joy!
dancing...in the mud.
dirty..
pretty.
Author notes
dirty pretty.
For contest owner: 2: VI [dirty pretty/ hope]
This was old and gross; i made it new and beautiful.
Before, i think, i couldn't do such things because i had no patience. I've grown a lot.
I don't know if i'm done yet. (With the poem, not growth; never done with growth.)
I made up some words, because we created them and i have that power. Though, standardization has it's significance. You should be able to understand them. Ask if you cannot.
This is the old one; http://allpoetry.com/poem/3172308
^^there's a bit of an epilogue there.
A contest entry
- Reduce, Reuse, Recycle [options] by WindUpEnigma.
1500 points, ended June 28, 2008, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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lol!
this is such a cute write! i simply loved this! it was pretty long, but heck it held my attention! the emotions here went perfectly with the story you've told! your words painted such lovely images in mind! so beautiful, and cute! keep writing!
LOVED IT!!!
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when will you come back Mr. You've been gone so long.
-Bree -
haha
this is better but i still like the other one
this is more laid out
i don't know if you understand what i mean but it exsplains alittle more of the dirty pretty and also happieness
ether way it still reminds me of wairing my fishnet stalkings in the rain at my bestfriends farm house and dancing in the mud and rain ...thats why i like it but like i said its way more planned out..which i actully didn't say but i did now..well typed..lol
good work
ps. don't put your old work down
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Good job, good luck in the contest.
Since this is in critique featured:
You point out that you're still looking for some things to work on, look for poetic devices to make the piece sound more like a poem than a story, and there's rarely a need for new words if you have the superpowers of the thesaurus on hand. -
Wow.
I had a bit of trouble getting into it from the first few lines--I thought, no, not another trite piece of crap.
But I read on.
And the "misuse"--as I supposed--of words annoyed my inner grammar Nazi.
But I read on.
And upon reaching the end, and reading the explanation, rereading the poem, and actually listening, in a deeper way...
I'm astounded. And slightly abashed at my [original] high-handed approach to this piece.
I have only one complaint: the repeat of the word "dastardly" (third and sixth verses).
The rest was not only beautiful, shiny, and hopeful, but it caused a shift in my attitude and mindset, which doesn't happen easily.
Thank you for the fresh point of view, and for entering the contest, and best of luck.
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If you read the original [which i highly advise you not to], you'll find in a comment that i should probably make into a note, that the poem, throughout, is purposely sloppy in order to create a muddy feel. Sort of like alliteration can do with beats.
Thank you for your thoughtful words; that's why i love this place. It seems most of the rest of the world has ceased thinking.
I think i'll change that error [but after the contest of course, i don't think it would be quite fair to alter a piece mid-contest...especially when the contest holder is the one who pointed out the error].
Thank you.
=]]
♥siranthonyjames
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hmmmm.... parts of that I could totally see the scene. smiles. deep one
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it's better, right?
i'm pretending it's a multiple caudate sonnet with prose.
it's really not, though.
but it does contain a sonnet. =]].
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LOL, i loved this!
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It was originally a themed poem for a contest.
That one sucked though. This one's better.
Thank You. ^_^
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