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Offering

The rain falls
in a shower
of silver spears

piercing
garden’s petals

...they moan
in ecstasy,
but no one hears

I see them
shudder

and I shudder, too,
when the rain
tattoos

its secrets

on my skin -

nothing feels
quite like
the

quiet breath
of surrender.

Author notes

Prompt: Breath

In a list

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 30 of 30

  • JezIsaRos
    August 8

    Edit | Reply
    Rain falls...silver spears...piercing garden's petals...the rain tattoos its secrets on my skin...quiet breath of surrender...

    I shudder as well.


  • JohnnyD gold member
    May 11
    Edit | Reply
    nothing like not realizing one had already commented
    and wondering why the bunnies would not appear??

    whoops!

  • JohnnyD gold member
    May 11

    Edit | Reply
    I could speak of-
    the perfection-
    of your write-
    but obvious-
    is obvious-
    rather I shall say-

    for it's the clouds-
    and the mists-
    which conceal-
    tattooed secrets-

    rain drops-
    are but tears-
    of such indelible-
    revelations-

    for all life-
    is nourished-
    of secrets-
    and memories-



    Len


    (do the book damnit, do the book!)

  • aliceramone silver member
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    beautiful...soft and slow, sensual imagery in this piece that gives release...very well done...thanks for entering and good luck in the contest


  • Birgitte silver member
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    I'm amazed and quite in love with this piece! I'm bookmarking it! With this piece, you described a feeling of time not moving and nature having its say. I love it!


  • Amera gold member
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    This makes me smile and you know why. The power of the submissive is so underestimated. This is brilliant.

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • silverfish
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    offering oneself is a surrender of sorts. i am quieted by the vulnerability of your poem. -silverfish


  • rhondasail
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    oooo...makes me shiver just reading it...sensuous in those gentle details. Nice! Best of luck in the contest. Peace, Rhonda


  • ardentMarch gold member
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    "when the rain
    tattoos

    its secrets

    on my skin -

    nothing feels
    quite like
    the

    quiet breath
    of surrender."

    This is so gorgeous..a wonderful breath.


  • RedAquarius
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    I love the sacred, spirtual taste in this write. It just caps off what is an amazing piece. Excellent word choices to really bring home the imagery - you have gone beyond and produced magic.


  • sassykitty
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent use of personification and I particularly like the alliteration and imagery employed throughout. Enjoyed the use of free verse and the way the poem achieves cohesion with the calmly rounded conclusion. One very minor point, do you need the extra comma in line 11? Great writing though.


  • nordicsky silver member
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    You see sounds that most people never hear.
    I'm searching for those moments too.

    Thanks poetess.
    Love, Peter


  • Tennessee-Joe silver member
    May 10
    Edit | Reply
    That's the best tattoo, one can ever get.
    Excellent.
    Joe


  • Swan song gold member
    May 10
    Edit | Reply
    Wow you shined in this dear!!!!


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    I have now read your interpretation of this prompt, and Jeff's. They are both outstanding poems, on exactly the same theme, and yet each is entirely in the voice of the particular poet.

    This is beautiful and succinct. Almost perfect free verse. This is one contest I will not be entering.


  • Pure Thought silver member
    May 9
    Edit | Reply

    My Lady

    love tthe motion here.

  • Paula Pears
    May 9
    Edit | Reply
    I am learning so much, but how do I turn it into my own poetry. You paint pictures and they move!


    • Dalaney gold member
      May 9
      Edit | Reply
      All you have to do is find your 'voice'. Don't write for others in mind...write what is truly in your heart and mind. So what if it's not grammatically perfect or in a beautiful form. Words are tools to use to express not only what you feel but who you are. It's scary to open up like this, but it is also exhilarating. You'll find your way, I have no doubt at all Love, Lane

  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    May 9

    Edit | Reply
    This reminds me of the time I stood naked in the summer rain, it was in Georgia actually, many years ago while I was going through military training at Fort Benning. This is some fine poetry Lane, I’m sure as tasty and invigorating as that homemade brandy you make.


    Love and peace always,
    mj.


  • Moqui Takoda
    May 9
    Edit | Reply
    oh ... i forgot to say, i like your nifty use of elipsis and dash at line 3 and 6 respectively

  • Moqui Takoda
    May 9

    Edit | Reply
    i adore this format which you have begun to use a lot: a tercet followed by a couplet, the tercet acting as a noun and the couplet acting as a verb, or, sometimes the opposite ... this rocking effect, this type of syntax creates within the poem a secret sentence, or a secret musicality all of its own which strikes the reader at an unconscious level ... in this poem you echo this effect out, for it much like the petal the spears punctures in a loving, brusque and energetic way full of the eros of nature ... and at last, the reader ... surrenders to its melodic loveliness.

    Of course the metaphor of the poem itself is quite excellent also

    beautifully and polishedingly (my word, if that okay
    like a necklace strung

    lord, this is beautiful

    ,,,Moqui


    • Dalaney gold member
      May 9
      Edit | Reply

      Danni

      Keep this up and my head is going to swell Thank you so much for your comments. They are far more interesting than my poetry
      Love, Lane
  • Arzab
    May 9

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful write, Lane. You did a wonderful job on the prompt. Powerful emotion expressed in this piece, too. I especially thought the ending was beautiful. It seemed to express a lot using so few words. Thanks for sharing and best of luck in the contest.


  • MotorcycleFreak silver member
    May 9

    Edit | Reply

    Ilike It

    You're really good at these types of snapshot type imagery poems. They provide the reader with great pictures, but also emotion and things to think about. Well Done Poet. ~Peace~Gar


  • penman gold member
    May 9

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    As always a wonderfully gifted write. So perfect for the prompt. Thank you for sharing. best of luck in the contest.


  • JohnnyD gold member
    May 9
    Edit | Reply
    well, if they need an example of the perfection of prose, this is the best candidate

    "when the rain
    tattoo’s

    its secrets

    on my skin -

    nothing feels
    quite like
    the

    quiet breath
    of surrender."

    Exqisite...
    no other descriptive word-
    comes close-



    len


  • MuddyKing Moderators member
    May 9

    Edit | Reply

    excellence is rare

    this is pure poetry
    what else can I say

    damn I love my favorites
    thank you for this

    best wishes
    peace and hugs
    Muddy


    • Dalaney gold member
      May 9
      Edit | Reply

      Moody

      Now this really made my night. I am thrilled that you like my poem, especially since your own poetry is top of the chart writing.
      Love, Lane

  • cricketjeff gold member
    May 9

    Edit | Reply
    If I can only save one thing in the world to read, it will be an anthology of Dalaney last stanzas The rest of the poem is as good too!

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