On a lonely man’s pet being put to sleep

Waiting
Don’t worry, don’t worry, bud
The tears wait
They want to flush out and stain my face, but I seal them within my eyes
Don’t make your sweet and innocent sounds I am so accustomed to
Don’t remind me
Don’t look at me with those deep eyes that seem to be whispering ‘Why are we here?’
Why are we here, again?
Don’t shiver like you do
when we’re here
Don’t remind me
It took enough to wake up this morning
and see you at the end of my feet, like every morning
It took me enough to get into the car
and see you shiver, like every time we go driving
It took me enough to walk in
and see you shake with childlike worry, like every visit here
Called
I peer around the room
I envy the patients and their owners
Their family
A check up
I wish them luck, so they don’t end up glued to the chair like me
Doctor, don’t look at me
Pal, don’t whine
Don’t whimper
Don’t remind me
Called, again
I force my feet the shift
I carry you cautiously
Don’t remind me
Walking down the narrow way
I focus
Only you, bud
The voices have left, along with the hostile waiting room
Only me, only you
Only us, for nine years
Us, together
Us, taking long walks around the neighborhood
Us, playing around like lonely fools in the park
Us, hanging around on the beach
Us, watching movies on the weekends
Us, cuddling to sleep
I thought I was alone
But you were always there along my way
And this way, this hall way
Don’t remind me
In
How can doctor hold her friendly smile?
How can she utter a greeting?
I don’t
I can’t
You shake and shudder
Don’t remind me
Doctor, reaches out
The emotions kick in
I pull away and hold on tight
No matter what a fool I seemed like
I always did
But you were with me
The tears were filled to the top from far too long
They overflow like running faucets
Doctor, your comfort means none
Yours, pal, meant
the world
Sight
I see it
It glares
It shimmers on the shelf
It laughs in my face
It taunts and teases
I see it
Doctor goes over
I think about
I contemplate
leaving now
An unimaginable idea
It’s for the best
Bud, you’re sick
You’ve suffered for longer than I knew of
I would pay all the money I’d ever have
to help you
I’d sell all I own
if it would help
Would I risk my own for your health?
Yes
Doctor walks toward us
With the evil item in hand
How could this be happening?
How could this be happening?
Could I have done anything to prevent it?
I will never forgive myself.
She’s about to
You look
at me
Don’t remind me
Don’t remind me
Don’t remind me
That I won’t see your
big, welcoming eyes
sparkling at me
Time
Doctor: ‘Are you ready?’
What can I reply?
No
I stay silent
Hesitant,
my head
bows down to you
I grant you
One
Last
Kiss
I hold you
As doctor takes your little arm
That never did an evil thing in it’s life
I can’t look
I can’t
I
I
I can’t!
No regrets…
Pal, keep your head looking out
Not at me
Look out, to the window, to the sun
The sun as bright as you are
Don’t remind me
It’s in
It’s… in…
In
The sun… as bright as you were
Seems to have been blown out
Like a candle in the wind
Dead
Limp
You’re…
You’re…
I’m alone
Where are you?
Tears strengthen into my eyes and attempt stopping
They mold into my face
Permanent scars of my guilt
Now what…?
I can’t help
but see your
sleeping face
What can I do?
How can I leave?
You’ve reminded me.

-Sabrina Ross