drawn in by swirling reminiscence before rising, in a pristine state,
caught by an undertow of human frailty
but fighting attempting escape: become like them,
under cover of midnight romance
reality melts slowly from thoughts, from existence, approaching glacial insanity
in a whirlwind of chaos on this night of demons,
attracted by a copper scent of scarlet, dripping irate seduction,
retracing silk fingertips in deep violet shadows of evanescence
beneath dark linen, in risque pose;
betraying evening attractions despite whispered assurances of grace,
for though beauty is everything in a melted state of mind,
night drifts along, a healing comforting familiarity
as knowledge of all right or wrong conforms into an apathy,
radiating forgotten intelligence: believing only for cause of salvation
but ignoring cries of question;
diving into sweet sedation, mesmerized by spiraling colors
only accompanied by intoxication, longing for a means of egress
but only finding misleading affliction, surrounded by a lustrous brume
this longed-for saccharine haze
loved by so many who lust for a desensitive;
all which has been hoisted on a delusional pedestal,
for those who abscond from all reason,
all which should be left well enough alone...
delving deep into realms of the unknown
searching tirelessly for a next great emprise
but unleash all hell unto ends of the earth
without thought or consideration given what might come
humanity has taken a final step towards destruction
this promulgation is for ignorance
so hearken, this is your final warning.
Author notes
humanity, self-destruction
PO' contest
each stanza almost has its own theme.. the first one is obvious, can you figure out the rest? comment please!
I really had fun rewriting this, I really hope it meets your expectations. I really redid the entire theme and totally enjoyed it! also, I just took the last two words which might have made a good title and came up with synonyms that I thought might sound good together. Really hope you like it!!
A contest entry
- Poem of the Day - POD by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended May 15, 2008, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Well, looks like congratulations are in order. This looks like it was a lot of work and I like it though I do stumble sometimes over all the $5 words, only because I seldom use them. Keep up the good work.
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Congrats on the HM...
Hope to see you again!
Write on.
*PEACE* -
Hi to you, and a big welcome...
this write first drew me in by the unfolding of what seemed to be a mystic train of thought, or musings of the mind, if I may...but when read through, I cannot find a certain flow, or a solid structure. That being said, I did enjoy how you added descriptions to word, i.e. "saccharin haze"
and "irate seduction"
although sometimes, without a following definition of these words, they become lost in the overall scheme of things...
some lines seem to repeat themselves in adjective form, such as line3 in stanza 2
healing comforting might have been more emphatic if one of these words were eliminated, or a comma separated thier meanings.
I do belive that with a few more line breaks, some punctuation, and a few edits, you can make this into something special, and it will proclaim your talents for you.
good luck
Title: 9.85
Theme: 8
Flow: 7
Impact: 8.4
Rules: 9.5
Creativity: 9.2
Big Bang Moment:8.75
Grammar: 9
Quality: 8.85
Poignancy: 9.4
87.95 Final Score
no editing once scored -
Hi and welcome to your first PO contest.
I hope when this is over you'll have found it to be a great experience for you, because we'd love to see you return!
Okay...let’s get right to the poem.
Firstly, let me say how much I appreciate all the hard work you've put into this. I know the challenge was tough with those banned words, but what an outstanding job you've done working with your write until it met (almost) all the rules. Yep...”the” snuck in there a couple of times in L24 and L26, so just slight deductions on that. Otherwise, great job!
I think aboomer is right about practice for next time, in that sometimes "less is more". You have soooo many thoughts running through this, and while that shows me depth,. I'd love to see you try and condense your thoughts a bit. It's really important to keep a good focus on what you're writing, and try to make every single word EARN its place within the poem. If it isn't adding to the message you want to deliver...then it doesn't need to be there. I really felt your last stanza or two could have been a poem without the rest, even. Maybe something to help unify each stanza, or make the transitions from one to the next connect a little better?
Also...there is a huge difference in concrete verses abstract imagery. You have a fair number of adjectives, yet I find only a few things that bring an actual "picture" to my mind. Things like "insanity", "grace", and even "hell" can be interpreted in very broad ways, and differently by everyone. So, a few more concrete details ~ anything you can actually see and touch, (like a chair or a bird, just as an example) I think would help your readers identify with what you're saying a bit better. That is also a great way to bring metaphors into your write, by comparing or contrasting an "abstract" with something "concrete".
Your language is very interesting. I see from comments it appears a few people thought some wording to be a bit too obscure, but for the most part I didn't feel like you paged through a dictionary or thesaurus to write this. “promulgation” is the main word I’d suggest to be changed, because it’s coming at the end of your poem and that is NOT where you want to lose someone, especially if they‘ve taken the time to read all that way. It’s where you want to make the most impact on your reader, so it’s important he or she can understand exactly what your point is to get that “wow!” or “aha!” factor in.
Okay, despite those things, there’s a lot I loved about your write. The depth of thought and some of your wording, interesting title, and some freshness to a theme I see quite a bit written on. I took a quick peek at a couple of your other poems...I really hope you return to the PO contests, but don’t ever feel you need to impress us with fancy language, as choosing the right theme is most of the battle here. You have a unique view of the world unlike anyone else, and that is all we really want and need to see. Bear has given you some great suggestions also. It’s a lot to think about, but with dedication like yours I have no doubt you will only continue to grow as a writer and poet.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck! My scores will be revealed in the final notes of the contest.
Best wishes,
~J.
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Excellent review Julie
Bear ~
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Aloha!
It was so great to have you in the PO!! I hope it's not the last time we will see your talent!!!
I watched as you edited and re edited which showed me great dedication! Well done...as Bear stated, you still had some infractions...
My final score will come later...
Best wishes!
Write on.
*PEACE* -
Hi there :)
First off....welcome to the PO' contests!
:)
I see you have followed the given Rules in all of your stanzas, except in your last,...using *the* a few times.....and did you notice how many times you used the *filler word*....*of* ?
....and...this is not in Poetic Format.....close....very close.....but let my review explain ~
Yes, it is pretty enough to sound Poetic, but the format is missing ~
You have a touch of Free Verse and Prose'ish Tone all throughout your write ~
However.....as bad as this review is staring off, let me say.....this is one beautiful write ~
You do seem to go on and on about the same thought, not really moving me along in your write/scenario ~
This will deduct from your Lasting impression upon me as a Judge ~
The Power in your write is soft, and we look for Ummph!!
The Impact in your write is also a tad weak......the Imagery of course will make up for all of that, but you will lose points in other areas mentioned :(
Nonetheless, I enjoyed this write immensly....just remember, next time, keep it in Poetic Format....leave out alllll those Filler Words, and bring originality to your Theme....as this Theme is very cliche' ~
Be creative in your entries into the PO' contests and watch your scores begin to soar!
Thank you so very much for taking the time to pen this lovely entry......and God bless you as you conitinue to bless others with your talent,
Bear ~
Title 9.5...not bad, but leaves me no room to be informed about what your write may be about -
Flow 9.7...not bad at all -
Depth 7.9...really didn't tell me much -
Theme 6.5....not original -
Feelings 7.95
Grammar 9.15
Presentation 9.25...stanzas are to broad and my brains tongue needed a break between those Very long lines-
Uncommonness 8.0
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.95
Ability to follow Rules 9.0....those FillerWords are a bugger :)
Bears Score: 84.9
Not bad!
:)
I sure hope you conitune to join us again and again!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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ok - only 1 spot...wow! Big difference in listing lines...lol.
I think it's line 26 ('unto the ends of the earth')
A thought, only, for rephrasing,
'unleashing hell upon mankind'....or maybe 'upon all living creatures'....that's just a quick thought but maybe something you can work with.
You've done a LOT of work on this - good job in not giving up!!!
The only other suggestion I can think of for NEXT time - is what I've heard many say..."less is more"....cut back on the long sentences and use sparce wording to make your impact....but that's practice for another time.
best wishes in the contest. -
and... i think (i hope) i'm done. correct me once more! (thanks yet again for all your comments and critique and help!)
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cool images, concise language
clearly you have talent
for me, the thoughts didn't flow...which is fine if it all melds together clearly in a train of thought some how, that just didn't happen for me. It may be because I had to look up some words. Actually I feel like you just don't completely trust your voice yet, which takes time and alot of writing, which I encourage you to do, you have talent. I really liked the last section, it was clear and your voice was present.
blessings,
Michelle
I hope you don't mind my critical review, I wouldn't have bothered if I didn't think you were a good writer. Keep writing poet!
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I like the new title - much better, I think. I'm impressed by all the work you've done - that's a sign of a serious poet, one who is willing to work with suggestions and rules....so well done!
Now, for the not-so-good news - Line limit is 30, I think you have 40 or 41 (sorry, I lost count). The 'no-no' words are in the following lines (and I may be off a line count or two..)
line 19 - the, and
line 22 - the
line 24 - that
line 31 - the
line 32 - to
line 34 - to
line 35 - the
line 36 - to and the (twice)
line 37 - to
line 39 - the
line 40 - to
Double check, but I think I got them all.
You did a GREAT job on this - a lot of work put into the re-write - and it shows....much better than the original. Now - there's a bit more editing.
best wishes
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thank you yet again, is this better. Also is "unto" okay? i mean there were at least 2 cases where i just didnt know any other way to fix it. but is this okay? also let me know if theres anything else i need to do to prepare for the judging. now i just have to cut something to fix the space requirement.
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I dunno, I could've opened my thesaurus and read the same thing. There's a time to inject a beautiful word or two, but when your whole poem becomes a parade of webster's weirdest, it becomes tiresome to read. I waisted a lot of time reading through filler words to get to the ones that counted:
this promulgation is for the ignorant
so hearken to your final warning
And I didn't even care at that point to look up promulgation.
Genius is simplicity. -
WOW!
WOW! I agree with Jamie om this one..you are working very hard, and it shows! I love the new title, the growth of the theme, and your language usage. All fantastic! If this poem was entered in any contest other than this one, I would say Bravo! it's perfect!
HOWEVER, there are those pesky rules....
and, the, that, to...all these filler words cannot be used!
as the knowledge of all right and wrong - change 'and' to 'or' perhaps? AND is one of the no-no words.
conforms to an apathy, - change to..also a no-no ..,maybe 'with'?
believing only for the cause of salvation - 'the' another no-no word..it's not easy, believe me! Try "believing only for salvation's cause."
diving into that sweet sedation, Uh oh..THAT isn't allowed, either!
Here you can just delete it, and not change meaning..."diving into sweet sedation"
loved by so many who lust for THE desensitive;all which has been hoisted TO a delusional pedestal, (need to change or eliminate these) In fact..this whole stanza is peppered with THE an TO..needs work!
Some can just be left out entirely without losing meaning..like the example I gave you above. Other lines may need re-wording..
I give you so much credit for working so hard on this...If it were up to me, I would award you a trophy for perseverance alone! Keep up the good work!
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FANTASTIC!!!!!
All right....first off, straight to my favorites you go....
Your hard work and editing on this beautiful write is admirable....I used to be an anti-editor....once I wrote it, I refused to touch it, stood by the excuse of not wanting to tarnish the feeling that came from the time of writing....in an attempt to make it "raw"....then I started with these contests and I am editing fool, lol. ......When I go back and read my old stuff I can see the EXACT time when I got over my refusal to touch my own work after posting....WOW, talk about a difference in quality....
why do I tell you all of this?
1- I can see your seriousness perfecting your writing.
2- I am hoping you will be a regular in these contests. (so I can see you get better and better....it WILL happen...you WILL get real criticism here.) :)NOW....your poem....holy cow! Talk about talent. I am seriously blown away by your vocabulary....you truly are an artist....these words are your beautiful pallet....coloring emotions and deep thought. You were going for the Wow factor and I can only speak for myself here but....
WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then I peek over at that age on the screen and here it goes again.....
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your dedication and seriousness shows BIG TIME in your work. Good luck in the contest....
I wish I had the original version to compare, but a lot of the change jumps right out and the new title and theme.... and your upping the wow factor....Honestly....I have been in a bit of a block this week.....this here....its inspired a write from me....to inspire another writer..... to me, is the best compliment of all. Thank YOU for that!
Hey I mentioned I liked the poem right? lol
Jamie :P
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i am looking to not only extend this, but include this "wow" factor people keep talking about. if anyone has any ideas please let me know, i am thoroughly and mentally exhausted today and i dont know if i have the strength to think =/
thanks for all your help
just goes to show, theres a first time for everything! -
thanks for all the good comments, and suggestions because most of these offences i, indeed hadnt noticed. let me know if i've missed anything and how i can make it even better. i'll keep trying thanks again!
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I love how you said you are up for the challenge....thats awesome, and your writing will only get better and better because of that. Your wording flows beautifully....filler words are a major issue for me, I tend to want to write like I speak, however I can almost always work them out during edit by simply moving my words around within the same sentence...same words, play with the order in which they read...Look at your lines with fillers and see if that can be done (it can.)
Good luck editing before the judges start commenting! ....also, the theme...I look at this beautifully worded poem above, full of rich language and smooth flow, and I wonder if the theme may not do it justice. I mean, it is what it is, but maybe its a bit too generalized.
But seriously, I read this a few times, I see your age on the side of the screen here and all I have left to say is keep writing, you have MUCH talent.
Good luck in the contest.
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thank you so much for your thoughtful comments, and i really appreciate not only the compliments but the constructive criticism and the encouragement. this means a lot to me, thank you so much
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Hi , and Welcome!
I'm not a judge..just an interested supporter, checking to see if I can help you 'trim' your poem before the judging begins. The PO contests are a great venue for learning more about structure, content, flow..and all the things that make a poem more satisfying..not only to the reader, but also to the creator of it. The PO contests put a lot of emphasis on the rules..and usually throw in a different one each time..this week is: You may NOT use the Filler Words, *and, the, that, to*
Now, I see that you have included these words a few times, so take the time to see if you can edit them out before the judges comment. lines 2,4,6, 13 all contain the word "and" ..lines 8 and 12 contain the word "the"..lines 2 and 4 have the word "to"..If the poem had a knock out theme, and a great "AHA" moment, you might slide with these, but your theme isn't unique, and that's a big part of the scoring.
Look for different phrases or terms to say the things you want in those lines that contain the dreaded 'no-no' words. On the up side, I like the flow of this write, and the language is not common, which is good.
Best to you in this contest!
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thank you for all your suggestions this helped me so much in seeing where i went wrong. THANKS!
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Mahalo! (NeonRose)
good tips!!!
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Mahalo! (aboomer)
good tips..
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>> Did you have to title it Crimson Kiss? I just had blood work done...
I may have misunderstood the rules myself, but I thought they were looking for a form? Oo Like Quatrain or Haiku or something. But if aboomer didn't mention it, that may have been my reading.
The theme isn't that unique, but not everyone randomly decides to pick out two pieces of their band music to make their theme.( I was POD winner. ^^ With the loovely theme of 'Running Away from Broadway')
While you use punctuations, you don't use end punct. except in the very end... Any reason for that, and the total lack of Capitalization.
Beautiful vocabulary though, so great job and good luck in the contest. -
oops - forgot to tell you - they also look mainly for "impact" and the "wow" factor - so when you edit on this, consider that also.
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Hi - I'm one of the persons who show up to 'warn' you of things that need edited....
I counted at least 8 places you have used the 'no-no' filler words - you need to re-read this and edit, edit, edit...sorry. (and don't give up - 2 weeks ago, I had to edit 9 times!!!, but I garnished an HM..so..)
I didn't see where you repeated any word, so that's good. And you're wording is fairly good, not too cliche. I'm not real sure on the punctuation - another judge usually is the one that is GREAT on that. It looks to me like a bit too much, but again, I'm no expert on that one!
But, as a start - edit and get rid of your no-no filler words.
best wishes -
let me just say first of all thank you for the opportunity, i've never entered a contest like this and i am up to not only the challenge but a thorough critique. thanks. ^^
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also in line 4 i could not avoid using the word "to" just once as it was part of the structure and not a filling word. if there are others or if this is a problem please do not hesitate to let me know and i will do whatever i can to fix it. i await your criticism. thanks again
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