It sounds cliché.
I know.
I think about you,
constantly.
Even in my dreams
your unattainable.
There are rare moments,
when my skin brushes yours,
an arm, an ankle.
I imagine trailing,
fingertips down your cheek.
do you notice...
me?
I shiver when your close,
muscles tense,
barely breathing.
I know you see my pain,
incapsulated by a
single errant tear.
I cannot tell you
your the origin,
the flint, the fire,
the root of this
forbidden desire.
The one, my best,
my best freind.
Author notes
Critical comments would be welcome =]
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I think you may have just described most modern females between the ages of 12-17
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Hi there,
I'll take you at your word that you're interested in some honest critique and just go down a few points that came to me as I read.
A disclaimer at the beginning doesn't make the poem any less cliche. No, I'm serious, if you, as the writer realize it's cliche, why say it? A cliche is defined as comment that is very often made and is therefore not original and not interesting - so it isn't a good idea to have uninteresting or unoriginal phrases in poetry.
"forbidden desire", "Unattainable dreams" "Rare moments" and fire as love are a few that jumped out at me.
I read poetry to be unsettled, not to read stock phrases. The only reason they may have meaning for you as a writer is because you know exactly what they mean uniquely to you, but I have only words to go on.
Cliches aside, I guessed that the emotions were very powerful, but I almost wish I could "see" what you're talking about better. Certainly one shouldn't want the poem to "tell" the reader everything. That would be boring. But, sometimes, as a reader, I don't really wish to recreate my own world - I want to experience something new. Maybe the poem could be a little more open in letting the reader in on what's going on? Usually a concrete context, specific examples, metaphors, the senses, all help a reader relate to the story/situation of a poem.
The brutal truth in the literary world is that the reader does not care. It's the poem's magic that makes a complete stranger stop and say "wow". It's the poem that has to *make* the reader care and make the reader fall in love with this guy (if only during the read).
Finally, I want to say that overall, this piece of writing is spiffy and that all my critique, is just that, some subjective thoughts on how it can be made stronger. Right now, I've to leave off; I'm being called away. But I hope that this will be useful when you revise.
good luck writing!
Nocturne
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I say take HickChick's advice and jump his bones; what have you got to loose, really, at least he'll know just how much you really like him then, and barring you raping him or something, you can still be friends whether he wants to get intimate or not. By the way: good poem, but so sad, stalker like, and kind of pathetic I'm afraid; make your move girl.
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Tell Him!!!
When I say the title, The One, I imagened a sappy love poem, but this was really kinda tragic. If it's based upon a real event, which it seems, I think you should definitly confront this person about the way you feel...maybe something good will come about from it. Friends are a touchy matter though, sometimes friends are seen as like brothers or sisters, and not the dating type. So...who knows, but I'd say take the risk and tell him.
Good luck with your emotions here
~jessica
oh...and the poem was good too. lol.
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I really liked this. It expresses the poets feelings well. You can feel the want and desire that the writer feels, afraid to act upon in fear of ruining the friendship. Good job! Thanks for sharing
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You spelt friend wrong.
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