they tried to put the
unconquerable, enormous,
in a shallow box
(that rings at a knock).
he'll be out any second
with a wide open grin-
they played taps.
they played him down into the green earth,
(stood there, straight as truth)
folded a flag
into neat, decisive triangles,
and marched away.
A contest entry
- Dazzle Me! by Shahrazad.
650 points, ended July 5, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Loss by MrsJones.
400 points, ended July 7, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Excellent
I really like this. Yours and my styles are very similar.
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Good stuff!
... keen sense of moment ... love the crisp visual and the 'tude ... hang in there ...
Tom
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Very wonderful words. Good luck to you.
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Great poem, I enjoyed reading this. In the first few lines you feel the writers disbelief and unwillingness to accept that their loved one is gone. Then you have that final moment where their body goes into the ground. Thanks for entering!
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This made me laugh out loud, not what you might expect considering the title. Your writing is so vivid and descriptive, without ever giving too much away. More more more.
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This was really a great poem- you made it very concise- saying so much in just a few selected words. The beginning was great... talking about hwo the box is shallow- can't possible fit this person in it. There's a lot to take from that part. The ending worked really well too.... "and marched away".
I really enjoyed this. Good work! -
Your words in the second stanza were just so sad and lonely. It almost seems completely opposite to the first. I think it's an awesome piece of work though.
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A thought provoking and sad write. You did a nice job expressing yourself here. Great job! Patty
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nice little write here im guessing its about someone how was in a war- good write
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