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Lost Dreamer

Salty tears
Unseen, unknown
Alone
No one to know, to care
Hopes lost, wishes never to come true
Shattered fragments of dreams that once were
Drifting, dancing through the mind
In too deep, it's too late
They can't come back
Forever destroyed
Broken dreams

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments


  • Nobody Important
    August 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i know how you feel, good write


  • painfully amazing
    May 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    great poem =]. i loved it

    Forever destroyed
    Broken dreams

    =[ =[. ended perfectly though =].
    great write


  • Rebekah-Ann silver member
    May 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Surely a lost dream, haunting your memory... Very well done on the promt! Thank you for this lovely entry. Best of luck to you!

    Becks

  • imoutyo
    May 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i found the first five lines particularly pithy and effective.

    but i do have several suggestions though, which you are of course quite free to ignore. the piece is your own after all! but these were the things that struck me:

    ...to say "shattered fragments of dreams that once were" is repetitive. why? 'cause if a dream is shattered into fragments, presumably the time when the dream was whole- i.e., 'not shattered'- is in the past.

    ...also, "in too deep, it's too late/they can't come back" seems cliche and unnecessary. the idea of being 'in too deep' has no relevance to any other imagery in the poem. to remove those lines, and thereby have the end of the poem read

    "Shattered fragments of dreams
    Drifting, dancing through the mind-
    Forever destroyed-

    Broken dreams"

    seems more spare and effective.

    i say this because, especially in a short piece, the goal is to use as few words as possible to get across imagery and mood. the mood comes across just as effectively this way, and i think it flows better this way as well.

    and yes- i know it is presumptuous of me to tell you how to restructure your piece, but my goal is to help you think critically about the way you write.

    and yes- i revise my own poems obsessively whenever i have the time (and time is something i lack, lately ), and am never satisfied with them either.

    in other words, the nature of my comments not unique to the way i have reacted to your poem.