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Desert

Sweaty,
Sorrow cries my,
Precious water away,
And strangles perspiration from starved,
Organs.

Author notes

Right, this my first go at a short poem...it was meant to be a desert (obviously cause of the title) lol..tell me what you think? thanks

A contest entry

How are you all? ;D

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • offlimits
    August 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    its really good at describing a desert
    god blesss
    love cassie


  • Pollycheck
    May 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering my short poems contest. I agree that you did well on your first try at a short poem.


  • XHollowXEyesX
    May 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    you did well for your first short poem. the emotion and descriptive language that you used was awesome, added alot of visual to it. but I think that maybe you could improve it by smoothing the flow out a little. doing what mcw120588 said would be a good way of doing this.
    ALl the best
    ~Hollow~


  • mcw120588
    May 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    just a thought for you the first line is 2 syllables then four then 6 but then the next line doesn't follow your growing length in syllables just a thought if you were to make that line 8 it could be interesting? either way the images are strong i like your wording and descriptions of the desert. definitely a strong write keep it up


  • Perception
    May 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very short, yet I thin this is very good. I like the ideas you have here.... and the interesting imagery you use...
    Good job...
    Keep penning

1 - 5 of 5