What if we are all in someone's dream
Reality non-existant, not as it seems
No plan, no God, no ruler supreme
Everything a vision of alternative theme
Envision all taught since young - misheard
Provision just wasted, Gods promise is absurd
Decision made - making history blurred
Derision, ridiculing His holy written word
Making, creating - it's all gone wrong
Society is impressionable - drifts along
Even though we speak different tongue
We understand in others dreams privacy belongs
A contest entry
- Unrecognized prewritten rhyme by piccola.
300 points, ended May 10, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
Good poem ! !
A well written but rather pessimistic poem grappling
with the existential dillema "is mind the highest form
of matter or is mind separable from matter" that is the crux over which people smarter than I have bust a gut.I even wrote one called "If I Were God"
But I digress,your poem is a very good one well worth a read which I enjoyed doing,keep up the good work
Best Wishes....George...
-
well i do not know the form and am a little lazy to look at it right now so i won't comment on that - though reading the poem it seems straight forward at first glance.
anyways, it's all a matter of opinion, either way nothing is proved right now as to whether god exists or not or if we are in a dream for it's all based on faith - a good poem, i like the rhyme and rhytm and reason.
-
Beautifully Inspiring...
Thank you for sharing your sublime thoughts on humanity in today's struggling and confusing society. 
Wishing you all the best!! Peace, love & hugs, Cyn 
-
Wow, I have often thought about this. I have wanted to write about it, but never quite found the words to express my thoughts on the subject. You said exactly what I've wanted to say and you did it beautifully! Great job!
-
disillusionment flows with the smooth flow of your words....the rhyme is also appreciable
-
Hmmm a nice poem you have here!
I liked the first stanza, it had a really good rhythm and flow to it...
One suggestion I have that could make this poem better is standardizing the number of syllabus in your poem to make it flow better and follow sort of a structure
right now the structure is like this
9
12
9
12
9
12
10
12
9
13
10
13
and the flow feels a little choppy at times...
you might also want to cut down on the number of syllables in each line sometimes it feels like a mouthful...
next thing to note is your punctuation, it should be "God's promise"
oh and i didn't really like the internal rhyme in "promise is".. kinda makes the flow choppy...
"Derision, ridiculing His holy written word"
this line doesn't flow so well you might wanna rethink it...
"Even though we speak different tongue"?
Even though we speak different tongues?
Even though we speak in different tongues?
Yup that's about all i have to say... liked the message of the poem though... hope you found this comment helpful! hehe if you have time comment on some of my work too! (:
-
thank you for entering. the rhyme and flow were smoothe and this is easy to read.
-
Hmm, an intersting theme you have here. You could take this many places for such a dream would have many effects.
I enjoyed how you rhymed the first words in the second stanza. I thought it flowed well and sounded nice. Your rhyme and rhythm are well done, and not obtrusive at all.
My only point of suggestion might be that final line. Your poem was so strong in message that that final line just didnt seem to bring the thematic punch that I might expect from a poem of this sort. I suspect it was because you needed to make that last word rhyme, and thus were limited, but I wonder if you might not have tied up the poem differently. Understand, thats just an opinion, but you did ask. Perhaps its exactly what you meant reader to come away with, and I just missed something. Could be.
So overall, a well done poem. Easy to follow, a strong message. Thanks for sharing.
-
what if is the question that we all think-at one time are another, yet within the realms of what we call reality they are never uttered...Within our dreams we are free and so it should be...thought provoking my sweet sister and a pleasure to read winner wrote all over it
-
This is beautiful and it reminds me of the old Beatles sond "Imagine". The comments belos are right, it's thought provoking.
Love,
Amera♥
-
Wow
This is great... Very deep and thought provoking. Wonderful job. I would probably say more, but I just woke up (8:30am) and I had a really looooong night as up till 2...ssssssss
-
Very deep poetry here
Yes as I have in one of my poems at birth we are all equal and through time we are taught to find fault in others its so sad for children while young only see friends color never matters for this is the way it should be . I pray for the teaching of one generation of all colors the parentas will learn love from their children and bring this world back to peace and harmony. Great write here I truly see your words
-
wow..what a statement..what a stand..privacy does belong in your dreams..we have the right to question..to provoke thought..and to have an opinion and not get persecuted for it..thanx so much for sharing sis..this is so relevant for this time..especially in the US..blessings to you..hope you are well..namaste..
r
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
