I drove by your old house yesterday
There was a young couple inside
With a baby & People milling about.
I thought about how we used
To hide in those junipers out front
& Play truth or dare as an excuse
To get familiar with our bodies.
I sat there, across the street,
Finishing up my cigarette when
An old man inside, shot me a look
Then abruptly closed the curtains.
The house was smaller without you.
Author notes
places
Written December 19th, 2003
In a list
A contest entry
- for all the sad times you have felt by heartofpainfultears.
300 points, ended May 27, 2006, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - music, hope, love, and all that jazz.. by MidniteRae.
600 points, ended February 8, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 70 of 70
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I loved it
I am new here and I was referred by SpydurPoet. Great poem.
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This made me stop and reflect because I have done something very similar. I liked the melancholy overtones in this and how you were able to show how something so simple can have so much meaning. Well done. Take care and Have fun. Steve
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great poem thanks for entering good luck
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Great poem... Thanks for entering and good luck
~Ash~ -
interesting
What a hanger? Good interesting write. Good luck in the contest. -
Oooo, very interesting! I like the perspective on this, of looking at the past. And the last sentence, "the house was smaller without you." Perfect ending. There is nothing I can even begin to think of to suggest, thank you so much for sharing.
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Agh, I'm sorry. you entered this as I was filling in my final notes and judging it. sorry. I really really like this piece and quite frankly you would have won something so I'm gonna toss you 50 points as your reward. sorry again. this is wicked and quite what I was looking for in this contest.
Eryn -
good things come in small packages, this is a good poem with alot of heart and emotion. i like it. it is a good read and the words paint an image kind of, good luck in the contest.
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This is short but there is alot of emotion in it. It is sad how we all move on and lose touch with the people we love. Great write keep it up.
~*TONYA*~ -
thank you for entering my contest
luv
ash -
such a good write, i did enjoy this, thanks for sharing this write and please keep writting the good poetry.
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Simple yet tells a lot. Makes one think back to 'better' days as they read this. Good job. Athena
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I disliked the & and the use of capitals in strange places. What I liked about this was the imagery and the sense of nostalgia and longing Keep writing and thanks for this entry
All the best,
Pozo
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awwww this was cute sad yet and it was just good thanks for evtering lots of love and lots of luck
always and forever
-theartzgrl~*~
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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awesome poem and good luck
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Thanks, it's my johdpurs.
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I've been a silent fan since day 2 of my AP odyssey. This is yet another lovely in your stable. Excellent write!
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great job
Great job, I really like this it was completely awesome and I'm not just saying this and mumbling on and on and on because I need more points to help close out the contest. j/k. honestly I loved this alot and don't be surprised if this leaves with a trophy (no promises made). -
Great imagery, very vivid. Short but powerful and very close to the heart. The ending was sad, but strong and I could really feel the poem while I was reading it. Good job
I like it. Thanks for taking the time to enter my contest and best of luck!
~Lana
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perfect little poem about one sad little story.moved me.will read more of you bec of this one poem.
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This is an interesting piece. How true that line is about the reason teenagers play truth or dare! The only thing I do not like about the poem is the use of &, which to me just messes with the flow.
I love the impact of the last line that wraps up the poem as a whole, and I love the little details that are included that bring the poem into the real world rather than as an idea.
good write
thanks for entering
--ack-- -
still like this one...
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i remember those days when anything was an excuse to 'experiment'...this is good..short and to the point...thank you very much for entering!
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This is my favorite of yours so far. It is melancholy, and truthful, and rich. It tells an entire story with so little information. You are a wordsmith and this piece proves it.
Mary -
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wow this is really beautiful, short, but sweet and meaningful and full of emotion. I always say it takes more talent to write a short meaningful poem than a long one and this poem proves you have talent.
thanks for entering my contest and good luck! -
This is beautiful. My kind of poetry, short and meaningful.
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i really enjoyed this piece beacause it actually evoked an emotion in me. it didn't just leave me appreciating it..it left me feeling it. and that was great.
i loved the ending..
J -
I think that this was a wonderful piece, and I hate to say anything bad about it... because, frankly, there *is* nothing bad about it... it just doesn't hit the whole "hometown" theme that much. I felt this to be very specific to not only one house, but one experience regarding that house... and like I said, although I thoroughly enjoyed the piece, it didn't fit the contest as well as others. Thank you for entering still.
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didn't really get the centering and capitalized P's, but the poem was excellent. The glance back into the past always shows a little something about those times and about the present. Well done, haunting.
Edited on Jan 25, 7:51 p.m. because 'spelling'. -
12 lines, but I'll let it squeak by cause I like it. The straight-forward presentation works really well, I can almost see a guy leaning against his car, then tossing down his cigarette butt to stamp it out. The details like the address in the title, and not just the bush, but the juniper bush really stand out in my mind. It seems you need a period after cigarette, though. Great right, a quick scene to show a long history.
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Thank you for entering this into my contest. Good luck
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This piece took my mind on a journey into the past. I was left remembering a more innocent time when I thought I would live forever with my first true love. Funny how time can distort the things that really were. And funny how when we return to the places of the past they don't quite live up to what we have in our memories.
Anna -
A cooly reminiscant poem, Jeremi. For some reason I haven't stopped by your work lately and now, when I do, I'm met with this wonderful write.
Lol... I remember once when I stopped by the house where I grew up in Gold Hill, Oregon... a huge house which my parents, grandfather and uncles built...funny thing, though, it had shrunk ... just like the one in your poem.
I like poems which tell a story about an incident, a time in our lives. I've written a few but yours are always so much better, short and to the point that even what could be rambling comes off as a brief moment in time.
I enjoyed this little moment immensely
Dee
Edited on Nov 24, 10:13 p.m. because ''. -
good job
interesting.. empty and sad, but in a odd sense- sweet and just truthful... i really liked it.. nice nice! -
AWWE! So sad but a great excue for rembering someone you love. Thanks so much for entering and good luck. I really like this piece and hope to read more of your words.
luv
Erin -
mad excellent
this piece made my day, honestly. there is such emotion and such a backstory in such few words. excellently, excellently written. bravo. -
I really like this - it gave me vivide images of the scene playing out - it almost reads like a short narrative rather than a poem. The bitterness is barely there, just below the surface - i like the subtlety - well done
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Great write i really enjoyed reading it. I like to go back and think of good memories cuz thinking about it the good memories are the only ones that are really worth keeping. Great job and good luck
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I go back to memories all the time too...it was truly beautiful about how you felt!I loved it good luck and thank you for entering!
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A very pretty poem. We all go back to those memories to remember them. Great write. GodBless
-Jenna -
awww i absolutly love it!!!
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exellent
this is a brilliant poem.. Poems like this inspire me for mine -
Cool poem.
I would have liked to read more.
I think you should put a period after cigarette. -
oooooo...I like this. You did a really good job. Thanks for entering and best of luck!!
Elisabeth -
I closed my contest earlier than I thought i would and missed your poem so I'm giving you applaus to make up for cheating you of a fair chance... sorry about that good luck in any other contest you may enter.
I thought this was pretty interesting... short with quite a bit of discription in a diferent way...
once again I opoligize. -
This is an interesting write which I liked a lot- a great description of a place Thanks for entering this into my contest
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mmm no, it's on the 4th street side of ontario mills isnt it? I'm sure i've seen it a zillion times, but havent gotten around to trying it yet. gooday
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Ever been to Vincent's spaghetti in Ontario?
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YAY Chino! That's where I live I like your poem, It has a beneath the surface type of emotion.
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ah this takes me back down memory lane. I have done the same thing as this person in this poem. though I didn't get looks shot at me.
a wonderful poem thank you for entering!
peace and love
Susan
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I think this poem is really nice- kind of sad. It makes me think about my first love and the way we were. And it makes me think of how life is without him. This is a very good poem. Thank you for entering it. zee
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This is my favorite of the ones you entered. I think it is brilliant, and that last line is perfectly timed. understatement meets underwear.
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Thank you, what a lovely thing to say?
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What an amazing moment you've captured here. I've been looking through the entries for this contest, and yours is definitely the best I've read. The simplicity is what really makes it strong.
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Oh, this is lovely. The fourth stanza reminds me of a certain Neutral Milk Hotel song. Introspective, insightful, a bit bitter. Accuracy at best. There is a guilty, hesitating aspect to it that is absolutely crushing. The cigarette being finished almost has the sentiment of a sigh. Skillfully timed last line. Very well done. Thank you for entering my contest. (Incidently, this is one of the best I've read so far.)
~Hannah~ -
i think this is a fucking great poem. That kid who complained that it didnt explore the array of emotions that his little dick could handle can't understand that this is not really even about emotion, in my estimation. this, to me, is the character study of a moment and how it relates to other moments lost without any of value judgments that emotions carry. lives go on, neighborhoods change, people move in and out without the slightest regard for how you FEEEL about it.
Not innocence lost really, more like guilt changed, altered by a shift in the dimension we call time.
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this poem is short but conveys the feelings you want. I like poems recalling specifics, i especially like the truth or dare line. This is a good poem of longing and memory without making it messy or over-worded. I like the style, its a little more abstracted and story telling, a little like mine. this is a good write, and good luck.
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Fridgeno1
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I enjoyed this one. It reminds me of when I used to hang out with my friends, playing "Truth or Dare"... or something like it.
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Do you know now that this poem is about loving someone you can't have?
this poem has absolutely piss to do with faith, society, humanity, or elephant dung carved into a magical looping hummingbird. wink wink. -
Yes, did I miss?
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its a rocky cozy poem wich gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside however, im beginning to lose faith in humnity... did you mean to enter this in MY contest?
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Thanks for entering; Elton John can play two chords on his piano and I know its him. You have a very similar thing going for you in as much as your approach and style to your writing can be very different and yet it still comes across as distinctive. This is a good piece of writing and one that hits home to any one who has moved away from the house you grew up in. it has a very strong pull but also a very strange emotion if there is someone else now living there. Well expressed, its a good poem
David
Edited on Jan 05, 6:11 p.m. because 'typos'. -
let's be mature and not hold grudges. poems are subjective, people can get many different ideas out of them. you're a professor, you should know this as well as anybody. anyway, that was just my take on it, sorry if it didn't strike my fancy.
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I don't think this kid wants people in this contest at all. you did a good job giving me mental pictures. I saw it just as it was written. I too have done that, sat outside my old house or a friends old house from childhood, smoked my cigarette and day dreamed of the past. Great write. This kid has no idea of true talent, he's an amateur trying to make an impression when he should just be himself.
Renee
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It's not about a divorce at all. It's about a guy that returns to the home he grew up in and is remembering the little girl that lived next door, and noticing for the first time that he's been gone a long - long time. But nice try!
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it's good, it tells a story, but it's boring. to me, it conveys a divorce, which is just a formal way of conveying heartbreak. you recall a minuscule amount of events and take that emotion into consideration, leaving out many more. don't get me wrong, it's a great poem, just not quite what i was looking for.
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Good
Wow, this is really cool, I rather enjoyed it. I tbrought back memories of my chilhood as well. Thanks -
i came here because i noticed one of your ripping comments on another person's work. as a general rule, i find that people who do that aren't nearly as talented as they like to believe themselves to be. but you're very talented and weave a good story even on the seemingly smallest subjects. rip away, you've got the talent to back it up. well done.
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