Oh world on fire,
You worry me when you cry.
Mankind will never lead you,
Your veins have run dry.
Float away my baby lamb,
Mummy don’t love you no more.
She’s sick of your tender screams,
As your body hits the floor.
These are violent times,
And violence leads to death.
Eye for an eye,
Until there’s no-one left.
I am sorry younger brother,
That dimple on your cheek,
Is because little Judas shot you,
As you were playing by the creek.
And now I look down,
Upon your shallow grave,
Whilst Judas uses CNN
As a guide to behave.
I will never forget that sparkle,
In your hazel eyes.
But now I have learnt,
That every child dies.
Author notes
Username - Trent Plus Pen
A contest entry
- Plethora Of Options by Play Pretend..
650 points, ended June 10, 2008, 27 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A contest for villanelles. by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended May 15, 2008, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Take My Breath Away(Anything you Want) by fairytalelovestory.
675 points, ended October 19, 2008, 106 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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ty for entering good luck
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Thank you for entering my contest. The message of your poem is very up and coming. I believe that as a society we need to help reduce the amount of violence that children are subjected and/or exposed to. Excellent write and good luck
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Please put your SN in the authors box! or i will have to DQ your work.
Nice work Friend!
I enjoy poems with political undercurrents, so all is forgiven
I actually don't much appreciate rhyme, but this one was good. Well done.
Thank you for entering my contest.
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Hahaha oh crap, sorry.
This is the second time I have done this in the last few months, and I'm the one who yells at others when they forget
Sory again,
Trent.
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Powerful! Wow.
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Good job in the main ...
but I have serious reservations about line 3. The rest of this works very well, but that line is vacuous and doesn't do anything for the poem at all. I actually am not sure what it's supposed to mean, but whatever it is supposed to say, it isn't working. You need to find a stronger line, and certainly one that is more clear. Line 6 is grammatically incorrect, but would be hard to fix because "doesn't" would not work meter-wise, and "no more" stood my hair on end. There again, "any more" is off meter-wise. So there you have it. A basically strong poem with two basic weak-line problems.
If those are fixed, you'll have a very strong poem.
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P.S I wrote line 6 in that way because I was driving to give it a personal feeling from the childs eyes. I.e the word 'mummy' and using chilish grammar - from that point of view do you think it works?
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This is the kind of stuff I'm looking for.
Thanks heaps, really appreciate the time you took to critique.
I will definetly take your comments on board and adjust the poem.
Again, thanks alot for the comment.
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Please put your SN in the authors box.
Thank You. -
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Arghhhh - how embarassing hahaha, I'm the one that hates people who don't follow the rules haha :$
*slaps self*
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