Pale fingers reach out to stroke
another glass barrier
one that she can no longer see.
Her body aches,
from running into wall after wall-
tired of living in this world.
Exhaustion creeps
peeking over the edge to stare down
at her wilted body.
This song it knows all too well,
for a caged bird will sing
if only to know it's alive.
Author notes
Invisible windows and invisible cages.
A contest entry
- Invisible Windows by Kari.
475 points, ended May 12, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Be harsh, be specific.
Comments
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Wow, I love it! :f Thanks for your entry :)
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Your use of the word 'another' is so significant despite the simplicity of the word itself...it implies glass barriers have been met before. How subtly written...
Suggestions:
"one that she can no longer see."
Hmm...something could be rectified about this line, which I personally don't really fancy in the first stanza.
Maybe...
"invisible from deception" or something that sounds less long?
"tired of living in this world."
Danneh, you could easily think of something much more poetic than this overused line!!
Otherwise, brilliant write and great imagery. It's void of your usual wit, but that's probably fitting, considering the context! -
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Shhh! It was like.... 11 when I wrote this.. So I think the exhaustion played it's role. As for the tired of living line. Hmm, while I over used, i think I did that on purpose, because that's the way she feels.
I'll see if I can't tidy it up though ^^
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