Graceful step, running leaps
with every moment passing by
it's another thoughtless suicide,
another lamb led to slaughter.
Run away from Broadway lights,
smiling faces, laughter abound
time is ticking, don't make a sound.
Just a kiss upon temples raw.
Sirens are calling,
so run while you may
for tomorrow's a new day
and I won't see you again.
Author notes
Thought I'd challenge myself, but I didn't see a theme, so I'm guessing we choose our own?
PO contest
Theme: Running away from Broadway.
Hope this is good enough.
I'm 15, I'm on about everyday. Danneh, and 4 years now.
- The Prompt Coffee House group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Day - POD by Arkbear.
500 points, ended May 8, 2008, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Audition Round by Blooming Poet.
300 points, ended May 14, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Be harsh, be specific.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
-
fine penning.
-
You made it past the audition. Here is the link for round one:
http://allpoetry.com/contest/show/2404559 -
You made it past the audition. Here is the link for round one:
http://allpoetry.com/contest/show/2404559 -
very well done congrats on the gold
-
Congratulations on your well-deserved Gold! Liked this write from the first minute I saw it! Well done, poet!
-
Welcome to the PO contests!
Wow ~ you are off to a grrrrreat start for it being your first time here! I am not a judge...this week (but hopefully again next) so still wanted to take a look at all the entries to see what I'm missing, maybe offer a suggestion or two.
A wonderful job picking a unique theme; that is half the battle here.
One thing that really impresses me is the aparent attention to detail you've given your entry ~ spelling and grammar, punctuation, title choice, line breaks, flow, focus on your theme ~ all are well-noted as being nicely done. I do hope once the contest is over you add the stanzas you wanted to add, as I see from your comment below. Hopefully that will help with the rather abrupt ending, and it would give you a chance to give this a better "aha!" moment.
Just a note...normally there is time between when you enter a poem and BEFORE any judges begin to comment, where you can make some changes should you need to. Good to have it as polished as possible first, but since spots fill up quickly we know that's not always possible. Also...in reference to your AN: "Thought I'd challenge myself, but I didn't see a theme" Well...that IS the challenge...to find a unique theme and bring life to it without the aid of graphics, colored fonts, etc. It's tougher than you might realize, but you've done a wonderful job of it this time around.
If you are looking to get honest reviews of your work with suggestions for how to improve (in our opinions, at least. ) these are the contests for you. Great to see young talents here, and though you've already started out very well I can easily see your scores soaring as you become more familiar with what the PO contest judges look for. Congrats on some great reviews, and good luck to you!
Best wishes,
~J.
-
Has some awesome lines here...:)
"Graceful step"
I think you meant 'steps' to tie in with the plural-ness of 'leaps'?
Oooh!!! "it's another thoughtless suicide,
another lamb led to slaughter."
Magnificently thought out lines with super raw imagery that stays ingrained in your mind...nicely done with those lines.
"Run away from Broadway lights,"
What a typical Danneh line with a reference to something in the real world...
-
hey Kristen, and welcome...
nice spelling, puctuation, ect...altough i think a comma in between "temples" and "raw" might've added impact to that particular line
Your theme may carry you to the winner's circle, and your title is brilliant and only affected by the fact that the theme is used (word for word)in the poem...a bit tacky, in my personal opinion
either way, you have suprised us with your intelligence,
and have followed the rules well, not easy to do for a first timer...
I hope to see you again
Title: 9.85
Theme: 10
Flow: 9.4
Impact: 9.5
Rules: 10
Creativity: 9.9
Big Bang Moment:8.7
Grammar: 9.8
Quality: 9.4
Poignancy: 10
96.55 Final Score
no editing once a judge has scored your work
-
Lovely wording and a theme I don't think I've seen.
best wishes in the contest.
-
Hi Kristen :)
Thank you so much for joining us in the PO'contests.....we are glad to have such young talent in the POD contest today :)
Let me first begin by saying, the PO' contests are unlike 99% of the other contests here on AP.....as here, we are tough and we expect you to thrive on being graced with talent from your higher power.....and we will push you to your MAX each time you enter...
.......so, with that said, let's get right to your entry :)
My name is Bear, and I look for certain things in Poetry......
....the first thing I look for....is an Original Theme unlike any other read in a very lonnnng time...ok?
also,...I search areas which will promote your work and give you the opportunity to raise the bar on your own ability to write Powerful and Impacting writes :)
.....with Lasting Impression on your Judges ~
I see you have chosen a fresh Theme....and that is what it takes to win in the PO' contests :)
Now....not all of my reviews will begin this positive, yet I do try to balance my critiques with Pros & Cons of everything I read ~
*Broad way* is one word, *Broadway*....if used in a personal Noun setting, and I believe you have ~
I love your ability to use proper punctuation and sloooow your Readers down....at least you did in this write :)
Lovely job there!
I see a nice balance between *Show & Tell*......and a great Tone.....however, your thoughts never really took me any place new, and I was waiting to see the Impact of your mind, and the Aha moment was a tad weak IMHO ~
Last L, 2nd S is a bit awkward.....for me....yet I can see where you were going, after I read it a few times :)
This may sound elementary to you....but it's nice to see a New-Comer mind their P's & Q's and follow all Rules....thank you!
Over-all, a very nice entry with a slight touch of metaphoric value to enhance your Imagery and my Vision ~
Let's get it on the scoreboard, shall we?
Good luck and God bless you,
Bear ~
Title 9.75...Cap each word, unless it is not Needed....all of yours should have been -
Flow 10...one of the best I have read lately for Flow matters -
Depth 8.9....sorta began, then stayed stagnant in thought...IMO -
Theme 9.9
Feelings 8.95...dig deeper next time :)
Grammar 9.75...nice grammatically, and nice mets -
Presentation 10...lovely job -
Uncommonness 9.8
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.25...profound thoughts -
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 96.3
Very nice score!
:)
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
Your other Two Judges will be along shortly :)
-
-
I think you started reading before I changed it. Meep, I did fix Broadway, that was a typing error, and I did end up changing the line.
I'm glad you liked it, and thank you so much.
-Danneh<3
-
-
I agree with Julie...this was off to a terrific start, and then 'whoosh'..I got hit by a bus! *
* The theme is the best one I've seen in this contest, and you have followed the rules quite well. Best of luck in the contest.
-
Aloha!
And welcome to one of the toughest contests around..
Your theme is the most unique this week...
You got me started...and I was on a roll...reading along then...plop...you ended quite abruptly. Focus
impact and power are all highly stressed in these contests....you may want to go and read past winners
to get an idea of what is expected...
you will get a run down of how I scored your entry,
after all judges score...
Write on...hope to see you again. Next time with a bit more imagery and thought.
*PEACE*
islekine
remember...no touching your entry, once a judge has
commented!
-
-
Alright, no touching. I was hoping to be able to add another stanza or two, but I wanted to go ahead and get it in, so that's my fault. Thank you though. I'll remember that next time ^^
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 14 of 14
