Me vs. The Walmart Employees

Walmart: the one stop everything shop
I figure, if it has everything, then
It can amuse me

Stealthily sneaking to the kids' toy aisle
I gather the troops for the epic battle
Of the X-men vs. ...
The G.I. Joes
Their positions laid carefully
My bets' on the X-men
They have Wolverine.

I feel my work is done, and I'm ready to go home
I took up an entire aisle, to the war begin
But something shiney catches my eye, and I'm gripped by nostalgia
When I see the brand-new-shiney bikes
All set up on display
Og course I cannot help myself,
I grab the nearest pink one
I go soaring through to Garden Care
For test drive number one.

I take a quick stop at the alarm clock shelf
And pull out my schedule
Dentist at 3 ...
Babysitting at 5 ...
Setting each alarm clock to a different time,
All 10 minutes apart so no one will forget.

But of course this takes some time
And the aisle I'm in is small
So the people waiting behind me
Are starting to piss me off
So I humor them
And turn around
But just to get them back,
My walk is pure "slo-mo".

Still thinking about my Epic War,
I raid the gift department
I seize two tubes of luminescent gift-wrap
And scan for a challenger to duel
I announce my challenge aloud
Daring the cowards' to fight
(But when they threaten to call security
I drop the tubes of gift-wrap
And high-tail out of there).

Suddenly starving, I skibble to the food department
And fill an entire cart
But suddenyl I think of my delicate figure
And leave the cart behind
This gives me an idea,
So I fill up a few more carts
And strategically locate them everywhere
To be in everyones' way.

I see a random stranger, and the a lightbulb in my head goes off
I run up to them as fast as I can
Saying "I haven't seen you for so long!"
Seeing their frightened, bewildered faces, I fight the urge to laugh
And instead shrug it off with an accusing
"I thought you were some one else".

Wandering around the store some more,
I pass the aisle of guns
Still immersed in the memory of my war
I have to try one on
As the customer service is helping,
I wonder what would happen
If were to kindly ask
Where the anti-depressants are.

Thinking, I'd better leave
(This seems to be my trend)
Bored to death by now,
I run into some gym bags
Some of them huge
Who would bring that much stuff camping?
I wonder if I would fit in one
But by now the clerks are plotting, so I only get halfway in.

I pick up an interesting thing-a-ma-bob
In what I think is aisle number 7
But quickly I learn it is nothing
And throw into Aisle ... the next one.

Finally deciding to leave, I pick up my atlas to go
Though I cannot help but comment
As I walk through the jewelry and clothes
"Why buys this crap anyway?
It all goes to show
What mankind has come to, the standards are so low."

As I walk up the register,
The clerk rings up my book of maps
And I cannot help but tell him
I think that the register
Is magic.