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I want something

I want something,that means something,
at least to someone, somewhere.
Yet I don't know what it is.

I have a feeling
that has no words to describe it,
but I feel it.

I want to tell you how I feel
so that you can feel the same,
but how would I know, if it was the same.

Is there a way to explain
how the cold rain feels,
as it beats face for attention.

Do I cry with joy for love is hope
or do I hope that love is joy.

Are there words to express
my loneliness, that feeds
a will to live for more.

What I want I can have but do I want it,
that much?.
Terry

A contest entry

any feed back is always helpful

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Comments


  • violetrose
    May 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I think that, yes, there are some problems with the rhythm, but this piece is a nice stream-of-consciousness. There are some great ideas in here that you should explore in other pieces. I especially liked the line "Is there a way to explain how the cold rain feels", that's a great image. Thanks for entering the contest and good luck with your future work.

  • Tercarro
    May 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Poor

    Not a good at all, didn't check it for grammer or pace. Needs more attention.


  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    May 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I've read this through three times and I think I understand, I certainly understand parts of it, but it sure got me thinking. Well done.

    All the best in the contest.

    Sue

    • Tercarro
      May 8, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Hey Sue

      I just read this again to and I had to read it through a few times to grad the thread of what I was trying to say. Somewhere it doesn't have a rythm, it's tempo is all shot yet last night when I wrote it, it did and it seemed to flow for some reaso. And yet, the more I read it the more I realise that it's "wonky", it's not an easy read and in parts, it's cumbersome. I think I rushed it and didn't give it a second or third read. I knew what I wanted to say but just couldn't grasp the words. Do me a favor and rewrite this for me. You have a such an ability to get intouch with your inner self that somehow I think you could write this the way I wanted it to be.