I toss my fears into the fire,
But first soak them in gasoline.
I make sure their turned to ashes,
then mold; All fuzzy and green.
Walked into the ocean,
Faced my fears with a spear.
Made sure I yelled so loud,
the six-gilled shark could hear.
I was fired up and soaked,
all the way down there.
At the bottom of the sea;
It was just me and my fear.
We grappled, we bit.
We choked, punched and spit.
At last I came out victor,
all fired up and soaked.
And then it was just me,
at the bottom of the sea.
Author notes
This silly little poem is based off Pinback's: Soaked. Well, the title is, anyway.
Not much else has to do with it. So in that case I guess it isn't.
Also, for this contest;
A charming disclaimer.
"I understand that entering this competition could be the spring board to fame and ultimately being fabulously wealthy and hounded by the paparazzi. On the other hand it could also attract the most God awful bollocking from the judges who may have mistaken my masterpiece for a piece of *bunny*. If this be the case, I promise, that if I enter this comp I waive my right to complain to moderators or owner, or to ticket the judges about the appallingly disrespectful critique it may attract.
I also promise I will cut and paste this disclaimer into the author’s notes (no where else so don’t ask) or I will take my poem and piss off. I also promise that should my masterpiece have won gold before this comp is judged, the judges will kindly piss this entry off for me, without even a howdy-do or a kiss goodbye."
Yadda, yadda, yadda. I really don't understand why people even NEED a disclaimer for a contest. After all, it is JUST Allpoetry. Not only that, you could just always say;
I disagree with your veiws, these are the things you might want to change, have a shitty day.
That would also work.
But oh no! For speaking my mind, I may get disqualified. A risk I'm willing to take.
A contest entry
- The Dashboard Melted but We Still had the Radio by Epilogue.
1750 points, ended May 28, 2008, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Free toilets! (for lack of a better title) by Reset Button.
2500 points, ended August 3, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Mistakes? Improvements that need to be made? Tips and tricks? I'd like some advice please.
Comments
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I liked the concept a lot; however, the execution could have been a whole lot better as the quirkiness of this line seemed a bit out of place for me.
“Made sure I yelled so loud,
the six-gilled shark could hear.”
I think there was some excellent development of metaphors. Despite the fact I am not a huge fan of rhyming, I would work on developing a more solid rhyme pattern as this seemed a bit all over the place. In some aspects I think your attempt at rhyming may have confined you too much. This would have been excellent written in free verse. Overall, this had good imagery and a great concept.
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The reason for the disclaimer is that I tend to get a little shat off judging comps that dish me up one steaming turd after another. This is not a steaming turd but with a bit of care would have been a whole lot better. Firstly, checking your spelling wouldn’t go amiss and checking what tense you want to write the thing in would also be a boon to not just yourself but the poor fucker reading the thing as they teleport wildly between past and present, sometimes in the same line. However at the end of the day, I liked this poem a great deal despite most of its structural flaws; its really quite charming, pithy and has way more spirit in it than most of the other bullshit I have had to read in this comp. You were miles ahead of the field by simply virtue of moxy. I enjoyed it, I liked its quirkiness but just fix it up with a little more care in future.
David
PS This is very good
I toss my fears into the fire, but first soak them in gasoline. I make sure their turned to ashes, then mold
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