To the strings of a silent symphony
with rhythmic measure she rises
to dance preordained steps
in perfect tempo
to destiny’s decree
her serene silver countenance
and fragile innocence
gilded with prismatic beauty
enchants all hearts
holding lost souls spellbound
her silken gown swirls to time’s aria
a billion diamante beaux
strung harmoniously on lunar hem
evanescing to eternity
awaiting her invitation to dance
spurned in tireless admiration
all love melodies eclipsed
no beau may mirror her empyreal steps
as to celestial rhythm she glides
dancing solo for eternity
Comments
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Non Nobis Solum
Non Nobis Solum : 'not for us alone'
perhaps beaux might replace beaus, and
gilded with a prism’s bounty
try this for size ?
gilded with prismatic beauty
____________
awaiting her invitation to dance
... making even starry eyed admirers jealous of her time ?
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This was interesting, certainly. The topic was a unique take on things done before - dance-related poems come up a lot but this put a more ethereal spin on it, which was nice to see. I have to ask, was this a specific form? It doesn't look like anything in particular, but I ask because it looks like you were restricting your scansion a little bit, as though you were only allowing yourself a certain number of syllables. If you weren't adhering to a form, then the poem might be clearer - or more powerful - if you don't worry about aesthetics as much. I tend to find that the more I think about the presentation of the poem, the less natural and free-flowing it turns out being. It's good that you're considering it that much but it would be interesting to see how this would turn out without that restriction.
I usually don't like it when there are so many adjectives in a poem - overdescription is pretty common these days - but here it seemed a little more appropriate. I would warn, if I may, against too many color descriptions, though - unless the color is relevant to the poem or to the specific image you're crafting, it's fairly distracting, and softens the power of the more thematically relevant phrases.
That's a small point though. You have a strong sense of poetic drama, which is very well-done here, and the only thing that I think would make this poem stronger is for you to forget about form and let things loose a bit. But that's for you to decide. For now I can add this to the finalist list, for at least consideration of a prize. Good job.
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Interesting one ...appropriate colors and background; they seem to match the words perfectly.
Thank you for entering. It's lovely.
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a good piece to accompany the artwork, i just had a quick peek at it, a nice flow here and good rhythm pulling the reader in with the tide.
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