Perfect
droplets
f
a
l
l
from each
open window
of my soul
smooth
glassy
like a teller's
crystal ball
each holding
a secret
a story
for only you to see
and recognize
a message held
within each wet
sphere
shimmering
like diamonds of pain
I send these
tiny, frail
messengers
to you
only because
you have
elegantly stolen
my heart
and breath
away from me
Author notes
prompt- "tears are the words the heart can't say"
A contest entry
- Semi Quickie Tears Are Words That The Heart Can't Say by Folklor.
525 points, ended May 21, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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I love the title very original! I see you really thought about the prompt. (It's nice to see)
Anyway! moving on!
VERDICT!....... BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN
I love your interpretation. ok there isnt alot of words in every line but you have crammed so much imagery into so many of the single words I feel so enriched by this little poem. shaped like a tear and the impact is the starting three lines perfect droplets, f,a,l,l very cool the way you laid that out. a literal and visual image of plumeting droplets. emphasising the word and the movement.
'from each
open window
of my soul
smooth
glassy
like a teller's
crystal ball
each holding
a secret
a story
for only you to see
and recognize
a message held
within each wet
sphere
shimmering
like diamonds of pain'
I had to highlight this becasue it is simply faultless! this is a cluster of imagery rhyme, structire. and beauty, really focussing to an abstract level at the texture,'smooth
glassy
like a teller's
crystal ball
adding a simile to the meaning of tears telling stories or 'secrets' crystals suggest that their valuable/precious secrets/stories are.
'sphere
shimmering
like diamonds of pain' again great alliteration and imagery that magnifies the texture and purpose of tears.
At the end I feel that you have repreated yourself a littlewhere you say 'you have cpatured my heart and breath.'
which is similar to what you say next when their both taken away. i would try and change the captured line and leave the ending becasue thats great e.g.
'you have captured' ( i'd get rid of this line and in its place add lots of imagery.)
'my heart
and breath' (this is great)
and have taken (just on this line say something like 'you have taken both form me' just to leave a solid impact.
but other than that I thought it was well penned response and beautiful!
well done
and good luc
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Thank you! I love when people give in depth feedback! and I'll see what I can do about those last few lines
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Oh, you did it again! Great imagery...I love every word of this! GOLD!!!!!!!!
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