I find you a giver
warm to the touch
and a free radical.
Curly long & supple
your hair tied to
mine, and spin we a
galaxy of babies.
Upon surfacing, I
know what love is,
and you take me down,
and I hold my breath,
and I forgive even
the Sun for seeing
You.
Because, you are not mine
only; You are the worlds.
Author notes
HECK YES I LOVE YOU
Written December 19th, 2003
In a list
A contest entry
- L-o-v-e by Shannon62875.
325 points, ended October 23, 2006, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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WOW!! very deep.. you have a great way of showing your inner feelings! You did a great job keep up the great work and good luck in my contest!!!
Shannon*Leah -
Great!
I like simplicity of the piece, but I still feel like you could have elaborated a tiny bit more. The images were still quite vivid, though. Thanks for submitting and best of luck! =) -
INCREDIBLY romantic with beautiful imagery - the other people are right, there's a certain abstractness to it that is awesome. I'm assuming you're writing about the topic of first loves?? I'd appreciate you letting me know that, considering it WAS one of the rules...
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Ooh, nice one horus! Very Cohenesque... I actually beat this? Wow!
~G
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This is nice, the imagery is great. Beautiful metaphors, very creative. Good job and good luck
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I have read this before and I thought then that it was beautiful and deep. The curling hair intertwining becomes such a rich metaphor for intimacy. love this....and "spinning a galaxy of babies."
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says I'm going away to spain
hmmmm yes good peom. gaxlaxys of babies. how lovely. -
thank you for entering this contest.
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Your figurative language is so beautiful... I agree with others that, at some parts, the wording gets confusing, but generally this is a wonderful piece. I love the last two lines, they provoke such a feeling of selfless admiration. Good luck & thanks for entering.
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this was certainly an interesting read. the imagery is thought provoking, along with the rest of the poem. the discrete meaning of this poem adds to its charm quite well. thank you for entering my contest and good luck!
Upon surfacing, I
know what love is,
and you take me down,
and I hold my breath,
and I forgive even
the Sun for seeing
(fav. part ^) -
good good
hmmmm this is a very interesting write. it has great imagery in it. Good job and good luck in the contest
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Hmmmm... well, it's not that I don't like this piece or find itbad in any way, I just can't shake the fact that it feels like something is missing... plus the "spin we" is kind of out of place. Great for what it is, but could use a little more. Peace!
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good
Well, thanks for entering my contest and good luck. -
Oh, what a lovely Collection you've started. Just played pick a poem, chose this because I live on the ocean. Aqueous and sensuous and of course "spin and we" are in the right place. Two days ago, I take out Ritual because I'm missing Perry so. I'm never ever going to be done with Sergio, Im AM his ragdoll.
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It's a very wonderful poem. You should feel lucky you feel like this because not everyone does. Keep up the good work! ::claps::-Pam-
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I really enjoyed reading this, it was moving to me. The set up was done well, helped the flow along. I loved the lines about spinning a galaxy of babies, and the Sun. Very interesting, with a lot of different things that could be gotten from it. A good write, keep it up.
~Renay -
"I'm done with Sergio, he treats me like a ragdoll."
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This is good. Your imagery is powerful and pleasantly original. Excellent work.
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i agree with manic muze, the only bitch for this one is that perhaps "spin we" should be reworded. while it certainly makes sense, it breaks your flow in an otherwise smooth piece. just a thought. either way, you know what you're doing.
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This is unique and made me think and re-read.
I stumbled at these lines...
"your hair tied to
mine and spin we a
galaxy of babies." I think its the "spin we" that throws me ... hmmm...
I like this, your work is always refreshingly creative.
~ Wendy
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good
interesting and different. -
I like the language use here. For the concept it presents and the picture it brings to mind. Usually I run from any poem that has the title 'love' in it, but this is far from typical and I'm glad I took a look...
~~whims -
Great one, Horus with some vivid images. But I prefer your more er.. shall I say "caustic" ones! Looking forward to read one of those soon.
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i really like this. "warm to the touch and a free radical"--awesome! "spin a galaxy of babies", "and I forgive even/the sun for seeing...You"--some great lines!
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