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Cycle

Gears are moving
People are going
Wheels are turning
And yet, it’s all burning

Everyone will keep on moving
As if it were all nothing
Why are we pretending
No need to keep forgetting

Remember what we have done wrong
Remember what we have done right
Look at the truth
Ignore all the lies

Or world you rather us to keep on burning
Just watching it as it is all ending

Can I get an honest Critique? xD

    : , Your review:

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Comments


  • Perception silver member
    May 28

    Edit | Reply
    This felt really broken up to me... Like the different lines don't fit to well together... The first stanza... just really chunky, I felt. "Going" Just felt really awkward but there... And the last line of the stanza "And yet, it's all burning" eh... I didn't like that so much.

    I just wish it had more strangth... perhaps if you used stronger adjectives (or any at all..) This would be a stronger piece. Like in the second to last line, you use that word "burning" again, you should use a thesaurus and try using different words, for a better overall effect


    But you have a good start here...
    Interesting poem

  • mcw120588
    May 25

    Edit | Reply
    it should be would not world i believe in the second to last line.

    as a critique lets see:

    Gears moving
    People going
    Wheels turning
    Its nothing.

    Everyone moves
    As though its nothing
    Why pretend
    When the need to forget
    Is lost

    Remember the wrongs
    Remember the rights
    Look at the truth
    See through the lies

    Would you really rather us burn
    Staring on as it ends


    Just my take on how it could be streamlined to be more tight knit. right now i feel you have a lot of extra words such as the same non-action verb (not sure what those are called lol) in the first stanza, the last line in the second stanza had me a tad confused as to connecting it hence my interpretation, the last stanza i feel seeing the lies and going through them is better than ignoring them again personal interpretation on your piece. the last two lines i at first saw as unnecessary but then think that you could really use them to get that feeling out there because right now your poem is convuluted and those last two lines really provide a powerful punch of imagery.

    overall rating: on a scale of 1-10 i would give you a
    6.5. I feel there is a great poem there in need of some little changes similar to those i showed to try and cut extra words and clean up the images to make them stronger. The wording could be tweaked but I am a fan of everyday diction in poetry. I think you did a good job here overall and should keep it up.

    mike