Pocket sized lies lie wispy white
like an onion left too long in the sun.
Crisped as KFC and just as altered,
its genetics never matching its chemistry.
You can chew and claim "it tastes just like Mom's"
-but it doesn't.
Not by a long shot..., not by a mile.
Your words are anything but Honest
Like a Big Mac or a Whopper
grease passes through your lips like butter,
clogging arteries with a sugar free label.
But now I see your transfat;
it's legislated in my vision.
Kissing you was sweet,
but walking away is far sweeter.
For unlike the onion,
you have no layers.
Sure, you shed Gucci and Prada like snakeskin
and wrap Dolce like a coil;
yet beneath all that is your liposuctioned heart,
pulsing weakly under flawless skin.
-yes, you know how to package well.
But I've tasted your flavor and was left wanting,
wanting the substance of Mom's home cooking
and the true love she told me about.
In a list
A contest entry
- I Need Favorites ^___^ by edit my world..
555 points, ended September 3, 2008, 68 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - New! Truly Original Poetry Wanted :) by Oleander.
540 points, ended December 6, 2008, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best free verse for an anthology: OVWA Winklings # 182 by Lyndon.
2050 points, ended July 29, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Feedback Desired!
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
-
Very Great!
I really liked this write! Everything about it was so full of meaning! Great piece and thanks ever so very much for the wonderful share! Keep it up!!!! Best wishes to you!
-
...Perfect... again.. I should stop torturing myself with your perfection.. anywho. What a great way to describe a person.
Crisped as KFC and just as altered,
its genetics never matching its chemistry.
Ha ha! I call all fast food toxic sludge and keep away from it. Is it even chicken? ick.
grease passes through your lips like butter, <- so true.
For unlike the onion,
you have no layers. <- also true. I have issues with superficial plastic clones. Maybe you could turn people into Barbies for your nest work of art.. or I could try and fail.. hmmm. I feel inspiration tingling at my fingers.. Thanks
♥♥♥Kat -
coo!
really detailed, and witty. i like that! -
wow, deep, funny, and an enjoyable read!
-
nice write . . liked your honesty . . congrats on the bronze . . !!
-
PLEASE PLEASE, enter some of my contests!! This is exacly the kind of metaphor I look for in my contest but rarely seem to find, I am so glad I came to visit random Bandits today. I have found a favourite! Best to you dear Bandit
-
Do like this poem and the sentiments you convey so well in these lines. Easy to read and understand. Nice bronze trophy to add to your collection as well. Well done.
-
"Sure, you shed Gucci and Prada like snakeskin
and wrap Dolce like a coil;
yet beneath all that is your liposuctioned heart,
pulsing weakly under flawless skin.
-yes, you know how to package well.
But I've tasted your flavor and was left wanting,
wanting the substance of Mom's home cooking
and the true love she told me about. "
loved this poem to pieces! -
I can certainly see why this is a trophy winner for you. The title intrigued me initially & the poem itself was quite satisfying. The last three lines are my own personal favorites for this piece. Particularly because I identify with them. Nicely done!
-
I like your style, my man. I commented earlier (elsewhere) that I was not familiar with you however, I do recall reading one or two of your pieces before. Still impressive. Write on, bro.
Dez
-
Congrats on ...
the trophy.
-
Interesting :)
-
Interesting :)
-
I loved this, the way you tied the idea of home-cooking with love. The way you entwined both with a feeling of dissatisfaction when you relaise it is missing was wonderful. I loved the lines "Kissing you was sweet, but walking away is far sweeter.", again I was impressed at how everything linked even when expressing emotions such as these. Great Stuff, Well done x
-
Wow, I love it. You have some very powerful ideas here.
-
I wasn't quite sure what I would get from the title, but your first two lines were phenomenal and instantly pulled me in. I really enjoyed the extended metaphor tied to food, and through most of the poem, your imagery blew me away-- I keep going back to the lines "But now I see your transfat;/ it's legislated in my vision."
I did feel, though, that a couple parts could use some more of that concrete description in place of more abstract concepts. "Kissing you was sweet,/ but walking away is far sweeter."-- in what way is it sweet? How can you describe the sweetness? I find that concrete description is almost always more powerful than abstract descriptors.
Other than that, though, I felt this was an excellent poem.
-CJ
-
wow, this is great.
imagery, imagery, imageryand unique, too
fantastic poem :)
-
i liked how i swore this was about food...but then it turned out to be something so much better...
i loved the second to last stanza ^_^ perfect imagery to me...
thanks so much for entering i love this ^_^
Dani♥ -
at the start of this i thought it was just going to be about food... but your comparisons are beautiful, and even the food descriptions held something for me. i enjoyed the second last stanza... in the way that the recognizing of it is sad.
-
very unique I love the imagery and relation to the sense of smell which is usually left unnoticed in poetry. You did a great job with this write and I really enjoyed reading your work!
-
BLOWN AWAY
the references and the way in which you stab them in there is amazing in and of itself... i can gush for hours but you are already a favorite and besides... we wouldnt want that head getting too big... this piece i think could be used at a slam... read it as an introduction into something else... relate the pieces you read... or not... just a suggestion... YOUR TALENT IS OBVIOUS!!! keep it up!!!
-
This is a unique write, and I love it! The layers you used, from fast food to designer labels, and all leading back to the metaphor and wondrous simplicity of mother's love...brilliant.
-
But now I see your transfat;
it's legislated in my vision.
awww mums are great aye? yeah, in affairs of the heart mums are always the best guardians, kinda why i think hippy women are the best, so down to earth and magickal, easy going, they tend to worry about real stuff like poetry and give you spirit and love not just money and sex,
anyheys great write,
w a pork an vegy roast and shiraz,
-jas : -
I LOVE THIS!
it's soooo imaginative.
and metaphorical.
great write :]] -
i find it hard to relate to this with the references to all the fast food places, onions though i will wipe my eyes with, i hvae a few of those
-
ecrivain01 put me on to this poem and now seeing who the author is, I am not at all surprised by his enthusiasm. This is truly an amazing work.
There are times when we just know what we want. Well done. Your descriptives are exceptionally well done. Just the right pauses and breaks.
I too am so pleased to have read this wonderfully written work today. Thank you. ~Pamela
-
very nice work
al
-
This is remarkable ...
it's really a marvelous poem. I'm at a loss for words.
It appears that your cheering section has already said everything I could think of, so we'll leave it at that.
-
-
thank you SO much!
-
-
I have returned with my 'lil poetry backpack and I am stuffing your poem into it and tiptoeing out after doing ten curtsies in front of your picture and tickling you under your chin.
lol Now I am getting in my rocket ship and am flying to Poetry Planet where a huge crowd of people have assembled, waiting for the poem of the day. They will read your poem and then die from the joy of it and it will be all your fault. Well, partly my fault, I guess, but mostly yours because I am always trying to blame others. 
lol -
Ok, I will be critical here...
It's been awhile since I read a poem that is so fine and splendid as this one is, in its own way of being what I call a "poem from life's best buffet table." 
Would you allow me to post this on Poetry Planet, which is a poetry blog I run for a newspaper, The Reporter, in California? We get hundreds of hits a day and your poem would shine like the winner it is. 
-
Wow, powerfully impactful...enjoyed the pace of it and the sentiments lol
-
BEING A MOM,
I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE YOU A GREAT BIG HUG,
TOO ADORABLE.
WHAT IS INSIDE ALWAYS COMES OUT SOONER OR LATER,
IT CAN'T BE COVERED UP OR DECORATED
LOVE CAN NOT BE SEEN,
IT JUST IS
YOUR MOM TAUGHT YOU WISELY
THIS IS PULLED TOGETHER PERFECTLY,
VERY DEEP
EXCELLENT YOUNG MAN
GOD BLESS...
-
wow! I love your wording and the depth in this. So great with the emotions and images! And so much truth in it - some people are just the false images you view on the outside - no layers at all. Pre-packaged personalities.
I really like how you've tied this to mom's home cooking - brilliant!
Excellent! This should have been in a contest!
-
good
Iliked the concepts that you are talking about.
do you think yoy could detail them further.
as it is the poems sounds too good.
You did a great job of it.
thank you for sharing with us.
Pls visit some of my works. -
How the hell does this not have any comments yet?
wow...seriously...FANTASTIC. So completely unique.
When I read the line:
"yes, you know how to package well."
....I will admit, quickly in my head I thought..."now how could he have NOT ended on THAT line?" But I then read your ending....WHICH IS PERFECT. I had to read this more than once. There is so much going on, its simply brilliant. I know this isnt critical feedback but oh well, maybe the next guy can find something to criticize, lol.
-
-
Hahahah, thank you very kindly. I was originally planning for this to be a much longer piece for a slam...but I couldn't think of a way to expand on it. I'm glad you like it as it is!!
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 37 of 37
