I try to live with this,
I try not to react to the piss,
I am trying so hard,
But i haven't moved a yard,
Foward since you've been here,
And i do fear,
That you've stalled me,
Five years since they died,
My father and my brother Clive,
And i still havent greived,
Enough to believe,
That they won't come back,
Because I'm thinking of your smacks,
You've stalled me,
It makes teachers laugh,
To think that I used to be arsed,
With school work and friends,
But all that has come to an end,
Because I've had you on my mind,
And i think you will find,
That youve stalled me,
My previous thoughts have halted,
And they have all bolted,
Away because there's no space,
For anything but your face,
In my head,
I wish i were dead,
You've stalled me,
Every smack, every punch,
Every whack, every crunch,
Of my bones,
Makes me more alone,
Makes the pile of thoughts,
Tumble - I am distraught,
That you've stalled me
Author notes
I promise it was good on my head but not so good on paper. ( oh well.
Well...mmm...how are you all? ;D x
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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ok it was a little choppy but overall i liked the feeling and emotion that was put into. Watch your commas thats all
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I agree with the parts Angel of shadows didnt like. However your imagery was great and I could feel it. Yet whom can judge what comes from the heart. Good job
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holy cow thats a long comment!!! lol
hugs to you !
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ha yeah it was long but it was good.
cause it was honest love xxx
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hmmm the feeling behind this poem is clear and very powerful but i dont think that you put it very well, the rymeing feels forced and you dont have a set rytham try going through it and reading it allowed it wil help you find the more awquard parts of your poem,
i think these parts were not very good
In my head,
I wish i were dead
I try to live with this,
I try not to react to the piss,
these lines i feel dont flow at all with the poem, personaly i dont like swearing in poetry and this is a good exaple.
i liked these lines
Every smack, every punch,
Every whack, every crunch,
Of my bones,
Makes the pile of thoughts,
Tumble - I am distraught,
That you've stalled me
i like the way you used the same last line for all your stazas it makes your point all the more stronger. these lines i feel are really good,
over all a very good poem well done a lovely write
keep going you can only gt better!!
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