we both loved each other
more than the heights of the skies
more than the depths of the sees
more then the cold of the ice
we knew we had to stop loving
because we knew we had to get married
coz too very long ,
alone we have tarried
We told our parents
but they didn't accept
our fathers scolded
while our mothers wept
"i 'll kill you both "
said my dad
"i will die , said my mother ,
enough we have had .
we could not stop loving
nor could we defy our parents
so we wrote a letter to them
that we were gonna die
when they get the letter
we wanted them to cry
So we set off on our journey
to the top of the hill
we just wanted to fullfill
our very last will
i looked at her
and told her " i love you "
and she replied
"i love you too "
by the hill
we exchanged rings , metal black
and that marked our marriage
i kissed her and she kissed back
i said, by the way
it is new year today !
we laughed we cried
to show all emotions before we died
on top of the hill
a beautiful waterfall
flowers , birds
and trees tall
"we could not live together when we were alive
atleast lets be together after we die" i said
"i want to see that gentle smile of yours ,
i want it to be the last thing i ever saw" she said
i tried to smile , i couldn't
she forced me to , i tried
i laughed for her once
but immediatly i cried
ok , when i say one two three
we'll jump
she held my hand tight
i said one ,
i kissed her
ok , one two three
jumppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
we both took off ,
jumped from the top
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ..............
she was falling ,
i was falling
she fell on the ground
i was still falling
trees , bushes , water
ah , i was shouting
hanging on a branch
unable to fall
ah , let me down you bloody branch
let me die , die with her
please , let me die , let me die ,
i was crying , seeing her blood mix with water ,
drop by drop the water turning red
let me die , let me die ...........
aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh let me die , let me die ........ i fell to the ground
when i woke i was in the hospital
i was declared mad...........................................
Author notes
this is about a lover who lost his beloved when they tried to commit suicide ...............always remember suicide is not the answer to anything!
In a list
A contest entry
- LONG POEMS ONLY by Darc Soul.
600 points, ended May 27, 2008, 40 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
how did you feel ?
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Not sure how I feel about this
Suicide doesn't seem very romantic to me. It doesn't seem that love is magnified or grows with death. Maybe, that is what you are saying - I don't know. I don't care about form or spelling like some of the others; I'm only interested in the message. -
"more than the depths of the sees" [seas]
A very dramatic work of writing I must attest. This needs some focus on grammar, and spell check but a very ambitious effort is displayed here.
Keep pressing on poet. The best to you in the challenge.
Much Love ♥
Renee
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i liked the begginning very much, but the insincerity of the last [the very end was nice also, its the aaahhs and jummpppss] makes the poem lose its touch. i like this peice, i like it some. i read it all the way down, because it caught my attention. i hope you keep on writing.
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i loved it until the end. suicide is a great option because some things could never get better
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sees- seas
to be brutally honest it sounds like a bad romeo and juliet with a poor ending (going mad). the rhyme were eh. and the spelling and grammar were atrocious. the dramatic number of "p"s in jump and the "ah" with lots of "a" and "h"s was unnecessary and pointless to the structure and set up of the poem. to be honest I did not enjoy this all that much though with some cleaning up it might be good.
just my thoughts -
The word jump only has one letter p in it.
more then the cold of the ice - more than ...
coz - because
gonna die - going to die
atleast lets - at least let's
and i should always be I.
Well, that's the bits I didn't like. Actually to be brutally honest I didn't like it at all.
Oh well, I clicked a featured poem so I figured I had better critique and I didn't want to lie and say
"I really really love this"
I didn't. Sorry.
Dave.
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Kept me intertained though the rymes weren't so great. It was sad but teh emotions weren't well shown. I liked it but it needs some work. Good job
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what a strange but sad write. I hope you have some happier thoughts to write about someday.. Best of luck and keep penning
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Well for one i hope its is not real...Two its a great write but not a poem..Very well written
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Hmmm, I'm sure this won't be a popular view, but while i admire your effort and the story (which I'm not really commeenting on) and bits of this are pretty good, the whole thing just didn't work well for me as a poem. All that Jummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmp, and aaaaaagghhhhhhh seems a bit desperate. While it has a solid emotional core, the execution (like the suicide) just didn't really work.
I liked this: "i tried to smile , i couldn't
she forced me to , i tried
i laughed for her once
but immediatly i cried"
The ending too, is a little bit 'then i woke up, it had all been a dream' - a bit cutesy.
On the other hand, my brother committed suicide so maybe I have a particularly jaundiced view.
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very powerful and intriging poem from the beginning to the end. interesting read and one can really relate to this. yes, suicide is not the answer, but this is recognised at a very late stage. thank you for sharing
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Very touching. I agree with others that this has a romeo and juliet twist to it...I didnt mind this. very interesting read for sure.
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oh my god I'm crying now! This poem is so beautifully penned...so heartlfelt. The pain the couple felt must have been insane. The parents ignoring their love and it's even more sad they decided to resort to suicide. This is an AMAZING write. Well done!
Spreading some love,
Miely
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beautiful
im crying its so beautiful. reminds me of my thoughts and how if i comitted suicide my boy said he would want to but may not have the guts to. be he sill loves me. and i love him. and yes our parents don't aprove and he has to move my heart will be stabed but my soul shall not brake. my body may be disposed of and he shall stay but i will love him more and more with each day. my blood has been spilled my love has been given my heart is sent to my special one. with the opening of the package and the spill of my blood mabe a tear will fall from my love. the sadness will be great but don't forget true love never dies not even if ur body does. -
sad
this poem was very touching but very sad i think that that was very well written -
u killed her.. dont tell me u still alive, coz ill hunt u down.. ahha just kididng this is so amazing 10/10.
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its tragic when something like this happens. this was pretty good, some bits didn't quite work but still good
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Oh... this was very sad. I kept thinking of this article I read a few months ago about two girls who couldn't have their way. Both parents disaproved and so the went Romeo and Juilet style with poison. UNFORTUNRTLY (for them) one of the girls was found just before she totally died and was taken to hospital and is now in a mental ward, or so I last heard.
A very touching piece, thank you muchly for sharing.
Noir xx
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WOW
heartbreaking... odd style... But good write. The middle between the flood of emotions and the fall was brilliant and the ending was so pitifully sad. Well done.
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awwww I love it sooo sad and weirdly ironic
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umm, It was good, other than a few spelling errors and rhyme scheme flubs, unless you meant it that way. Nice Job.
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OMFG
that is soooo sad
hella long but love it!
i did cry
you lost the rhyme once or twice
but it still flowed together nicely
i feel bad for the guy
i wonded what his parents said
and what said hers
wow
good poem
depressing indeed
and your t=right suiside is not the answer
they could have just ran...together
forever
thats sad
I LOVE IT!!!!
but question what is tarried?
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wow dude.
you're right, this made me shed a tear.
there have been many stories over here in aussieland about young teens killing themselves because they felt they couldnt live with most things teens have to go thru.
Love, school, peer pressure, etc.
this was extremely well written from the eyes of a teenager.
keep up the fantastic writes poet.
you got yaself some talent
well done again
♥ Uni
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Different
This was a great read. It was different,...I like different!
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wow. um... i don't like the tons of .......s in the title. the lines could be more regular, and that would enhance teh poem. erm...suicide totally doesn't make things ok, but this poem didn't really make an emotional impact on me.
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I didn't cry
But there is a moral here. Of course that's not the answer (suicide) But don't jump so close to the trees. Sorry, bad joke. I just never understand why you just don't MOVE AWAY so you can start anew life.... good poem
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Loved it!
This is really good.No. It's not good. IT'S AMAZING!It makes me want to cry.
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this is true. Suicide doesn't make things right. Sad write but great.
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