But you my friend are a professional asshole.
A thoroughbred of incalculable irrationality.
Everything that is wrong with my nation.
You are helpless, yet you have millions
convinced that you are fabulous at everything,
and more over, a hell of a fine role model.
Video games, cereal boxes, television, radio.
Starbucks, getting your jet blown 30,000 feet above
Sea level. You are rarely late, and always smiling.
Though, we could give a fuck, unless you say "Hi".
Fit, self aware, well dressed, a contributor
to third world charities and children of war
re-education (COWRE). I even read last week
that you'd given your kidney away to a blind
ten year old Peruvian junky simply because
Jesus told you too. Can you dance?
Damn Skippy!
When I beheld you last year doing Hamlet at
some bug invested Canadian festival?
I wept and so did my soft-drink.
And right up to the point where I
asked you for possible career guidance, to which
you then replied "Don't hire anyone taller or
smarter than you, and never fuck an Asian in Asia."
I had even started to get into combing my hair
like you, but blue (Because I'm an individual).
I think you should look up more.
It will help take your mind off of that botched
penis enlargement you bought yourself for
Christmas. You were my idol. You were my star.
You helped me conceive that
I could have more ridiculous amounts of
financial Hygiene than 'thee' Tony Robbins
having lunch with 'thee' Martha Stewart on 'thee'
Fire Island. Shit, scratch Martha due to impending
Ineligibility issues. Instead, make that David
Gest. Shit, shine him too, he's busy with face
injections for his chronic ass pain,
(Placebo health care plan with complimentary
reverse psychology) and writing his book based
on the only Homosexual still living that
waited too long to come out of the closet.
Because, of all that Prada foot wear and
baseboard mirrors with automatic zoom in.
So let's make it Tom Arnold. Wait, anyone that
Spends that much time blowing smoke for over
paid jocks that associate their lives on this planet
with commercials that air during the Super Bowl
is obviously way too busy doing important
functions for all of mankind then to bother.
Basically, reminding me that my new bidet
needs some warm attention while I scan
for more important media sources.
Such as "Field and Stream", Or "Vogue."
I have no problem showing my fellow NRA members
that there's nothing wrong with wearing hot
pink Isotoners while tailing a Buck to kill.
Okay, where was I? Ah yes, coupling Tony
(The glint) Robbins with a date for lunch that
more accurately describes (metaphorically) just
how much faith you had led me to believe, I too,
was capable of obtaining by merely exploiting
every last beautiful healthy cell in my body
for no better reason other than "Its been my
dream for as long as I can vaguely remember."
Yeah, Martin Luther King Jr. had one too.
And look what they did to him?
When I do finally get this goddamn time-machine
I purchased from that ten year old who ran an ad
in the 'miscellaneous classifieds' of
"Popular Mechanics". Which, coincidentally,
I stumbled upon while on my special
friend's Bidet last year (yours). I'm going to go
back in time to the day that writer, what was his
name? Oh, Samuel Clemens gave Siegfried
(Jew entrepreneur, like that's a shocker) a more
suitable name for the strong man in his new traveling
act called "The show business". While
sitting next to one another on a train
going through Eugene, Oregon. Clemens
said, "Call him Sambo", and you know what?
They did. Well, to be as brief as possible?
I would poison them all in order to see what
you'd be when I came back to the future.
Odds are, old white rice in a Chinese
take out container eagerly awaiting a rewarming,
and still totally fucking capable of spoiling someone's
Appetite with a mere squeezing of the hand on your
stained box in the fridge. The next time I see you in my
TV? There you'll stay. Conversing with my floating
gold fish (Vanna) On a perfectly ignored
and totally ineffective snowy static.
Author notes
Written December 18th, 2003
In a list
A contest entry
- whatever the fuck you want II by Nam.
350 points, ended May 25, 2006, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For Bob by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended November 21, 2007, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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Ordinarily ...
I'd say that this doesn't really fit this contest, but I think Bob would have loved it, so I'll ignore that angle and concentrate on the more important ones, such such as whether you are paying your psychiatrist enough to listen to you. I see you won a Gold with this one, and I also see whose contest it was in. That's a difficult act to follow, so we'll just have to see what happens in the final analysis.
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Well, this is the only way that I know how to compliment those that I admire. By pretending that I don't.
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interesting. congratulations on the gold.
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This was awesome. One thing I loved about this piece is its irreverence. Mainly, though, it's all the wonderful irony. You're sarcastic without being sarcastic, and I just love that. Hell, I love anything with lots of irony in it. Nam already mentioned the way it goes all over the place, but I loved that, too.
~Morgan -
no, you're right, I was just waiting for you to edit it, thanks.
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Yes, I know ...
and that's one of your more interesting aspects.
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"paid jocks that associate their lifes on this planet"
"lifes" "lives"? "lifes" doesn't make sense to me. Of course I am a retard.
This line:
"name? Oh, Samuel Clemons gave Siegfried"
If "Samuel Clemons" is in reference to "Mark Twain" then "Clemons" is "Clemens".
Of course in this line:
"going through Eugene, Oregon. Clemmons"
you have it spelt "Clemmons", perhsps that's a different person, or I'm just not getting it?
I actually didn't want to comment on your piece. I would have judged it fairly but those things above bothered me so I had to make mention of it.
It's a good piece, goes everywhere and then some. Kind of the one thought one breath piece, though getting to the end you actually don't think the breath is finished.
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You always seem to pack such a punch in the first few lines, and coerce the reader into suffering more
I adore your socio-political rants because of the ingenuity and intelligence you show. -
Very interesting way to put your dissatisfaction, and you left nothing out. Amazing, isn't it that someone can gripe for that long! Good piece.
Thank you for your entry, and good luck in the contest. Patricia -
Thanks for your entry Horus.....
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One day perhaps a translation will be issued. Until then I shall remain blissfully ignorant, never having heard of any of the people mentioned. Vanna is a nice name for a fish.
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I hope you feel better after getting all that off your chest! This was a truly superb vent. But nothing close to being suitable for this contest. It was funny though, and very energetic and very long. But enjoyable none the less xxx
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i love the way someone thinks it was either incredibly well thought out or not thought out at all. doesnt it count if you think in seconds as opposed to hours i love the way you think and chatter on you little chatterbox you.its goo goo excuse my stuttering d
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This was a strong piece, very well written, and either incredibly thought out, or really not thought out at all. I enjoyed reading this very much, thank you for entering it in my contest
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This was really badass shit. I remember a long time ago you entered one of my contests and I wasn't really into the poem you entered for some reaosn but this one is fucking sweet. It's entertaining and enjoyable to read although I don't often read things of this length, poetry wise, cause I'm a little bitch
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as always, I'm impressed, Horus. this was so, so great!
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great job, nice rant, i feel pretty stupid because i agree with all these people above me, so im just going to say: you have successfully made another great poem
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Heheheheh I like this, it sorta made me laugh but it was also penned with a dark grumpy tone throughout. I like to write like this, i dont see much of it around though. Good job.
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powerful - i like it.
x Jill x -
u crack me up
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wow...powerful...how do you do it? Slightly humourous but darkly so (and I have a twisted sense of humour as it is). Amazing. YOu've struck me dumb (well, ish)(take advantage of it: it's a rare occurance).
Great piece,
Ashes
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Horus you really have them speechless (or of little speech) with this one! Damn, what a rant. I just got quite a nasty email from an ex-girlfriend of mine. And I gave it back to her in full! Thanks for teaching me in the subtleties of reducing a human being to nothing more then a shivering, blubbering piece of jelly.
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hmmm, an intersting rant--I guess i like it though
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That's because I have a black belt in nudity.
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cool
wow..! powerful!!!! -
nice.
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