in a dark room
a clock ticks
remembrances
and she feels
her moments slowly
slipping away
from her old hands
Author notes
JFTJOI
A contest entry
- Langston Hughes - quick contest by Peteskid.
1200 points, ended May 5, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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suggestion
Well, perhaps a title which gives the reader another clue as to the personality of this dying woman? -
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There it is. Not really about her personality, but the way I 'saw' her hands. Thanks again Myron!
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lingering
I can feel death lingering on the outskirts of this evocative little poem. perhaps you could think of another title for this as it doesn't add much to the poem and yet the opportunity to do so is there.
best wishes for the contest,
myron -
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Thanks Myron, this was a just for the joy of it entry (not to be judged). I suck at titles, rarely inspired enough to come with a good one. Any suggestions?
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this speaks...excellent penning!
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Beautifully written.. and sad
Each of your poem fills the current moment up completely, unshared, undistracted.. spilling on to the mind even beyond reading it- what i call having a 'real poetic experience' Lovely!
The lady needs someone to paint her room subtle and bright and rather than the ticking clock, some glen miller to listen by... Sorry.. I just had to intervene 
Love
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You certainly have a way of delivering the message in only a few words. That's the mark of an accomplished writer. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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If I were you, I'd take tweak it a little to -
as she feels
her moments
slip away
from old hands"
Well that's just my opinion!
This is pure poetry, Mari... Bookmarked.
- namita
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Beautiful expression of feeling and memory. I love the juxtaposition of the her hands with the hands of the clock. This isn't stated necessarily, but the comparison seemed to be made, as if they were one and the same. But you leave us feeling that the tick tock will long out last her feeling, her remeberances, her hands. Doleful. Lovely.
ten
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Can I now?
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Mari - this is excellent.....
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Wonderful tender expression of compassion and understanding here, Mari. So much said here, so many visuals you've created through brevity... beautiful.
~ Nicolette
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Your poetry always feels good. This one has extra touch. Hands speak very softly and yet their message can't be ignored. --- I like, I like a lot.
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Sometimes a few words or strong metaphors can put one to silence. To this category I would place this poem. Not a verse to make a lot of noise over but a silence bewondering. Absolute beauty.
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Such tender expression here, the words seem to carry weight, like the burdens that our feelings sometimes leave with us...depth and brevity, an elusive skill; such a remarkable writing...excellent...h
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I really like how you used the metaphor of a clock, that births memories each time a new second comes by. As well as the fact you point out that his old woman comes closer and closer with each tick to her ticket to somewhere else than earth...
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Exceptional.
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Oh My~~
Oy~
Now this is one Powerful piece with images that swell the eyes
Love this one!
I read Your verse several times and cried with each one
Beauty!!
Thank You for sharing Your Heart and Spirit~
Many blessings to You in the contest Sweet Soul
Best wishes too
and much love~ Desire~*~
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