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maybe Sara thought this, maybe not

Missing image
It came to me today that you are dead,
as I sat down to eat my ham-on-rye;
I started crying, choked on bits of bread –
just who the hell are you to say “Don’t try”?
How many hours we trudged, behind Delane,
along the dusty sidewalks of LA,
then slipped inside a bar to ease the pain
with bourbon, and then somehow lost a day.
Were you a shy kid? Boy! You’ve had some fights
since those young days – we never count the cost –
but not like this; your crowding leukocytes
ganged up on you, that’s one fight that you lost…
  and – damn! – what happened to our crazy love,
  who gave that last, great obstacle a shove?


Author notes

"All in all, I had pretty much done what I had set out to do in life. I had made some good moves. I wasn't sleeping in the streets at night. Of course, there were a lot of good people sleeping in the streets. They weren't fools, they just didn't fit into the needed machinery of the moment."

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Comments

1 - 36 of 36

  • Dark Otter
    March 6

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    I got it!

    I compared the top three to other entries and I see why you would make such a choice. I don't write contemporary sonnets yet. But I see what you have managed to do with this one. It got two reads from me and two enthusiastic thumbs up.

    Yes, it deserved another gold. But won't you play anyway.


  • Little Eagle Greeters member
    March 3

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your entry.

    We want to live in denial when we loose someone. It took me a long time to accept when my uncle died. He was more like a father to me.

    The form was technically good. Though some of it seemed a bit forced for trying to keep the syllable count. Good job with the rhyme scheme.

    I encouage you to keep writing to read and comment.

    You have been chosen to proceed to the next round. Once the next round contest is up you will receive a link to that contest.

    God Bless
    Tammy

    • Mairi bheag gold member
      March 4
      Edit | Reply
      "Though some of it seemed a bit forced for trying to keep the syllable count" - well, thank you for your comment, but I think you missed what was going on here, i.e. a sonnet to a dead free-verse writer, a beat-poet. You don't have to thump a sentenced closed at the end of the line in a sonnet - it all depends on what you're trying to say and how you're trying to say it. I should know - I help edit a magazine for modern sonnets, and what's more this is a published poem.


  • Ceridwens Soul silver member
    February 21

    Edit | Reply
    Bukowski!!! - you never fail to surprise me! This is so contemporary yet still a super sonnet. You have captured so much life and expressed it with a rawness that is fresh and vital.

    Yeah lurve it!

    Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live = C Bukowski


  • maa gold member
    February 15

    Edit | Reply
    yeah ! thanks for coming to play with me in this contest ... that will be fun ...
    and what a preliminary entry you have chosen here ...
    wow ...
    now that's what I call a perfect poem ...
    no need to talk about the perfection of form which is always on rendez-vous ... but I think I really love our "american voice" ... it must be quite fun to hear you recite this sonnet with your scots accent ...
    love the "crowding leukocytes ganging up" and the "damns", "oh boys" and all the rest !!!
    a golden entry for me ...

    maa


  • Melodies
    October 3, 2008
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    Like it! It feels very true to life and is written in such a lovely way. Oh, dear sonnet person...


  • Cynewulf
    August 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'm not a great Bukowski fan but this is a great Shakespearean sonnet. You have caught an essence of the poet so well. It has given me ideas for more columns. I would love to feature this in a future column!

    • Mairi bheag gold member
      August 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I must admit that I struggle with CB myself, but I appreciate him. He has a disciple here on AP - Dalaney http://allpoetry.com/Dalaney - whose free verse outshines his by an Irish mile, and whose work I love intensely.

      Yes, please feel free to reproduce this in a column, if you wish.


  • onerios13
    August 11, 2008

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    I've never read a buk piece that was an also a sonnet, lol, so I have to give you two kudos here. One for the wonderful take on this poet's unique voice and the other for doing it in rhyme! lol

    But most of all, I want to say thank you for entering this excellent piece. It really did make me smile.

    • Mairi bheag gold member
      August 11, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Well, it's more a tribute than an imitation - I admit he is the most unlikely master to respond to a sonnet - but it was fun to write.


  • malmadre gold member
    July 28, 2008
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    This is a gem! I love rhyme that tells a story, this one has some history to it. YES!

  • ea silver member
    July 28, 2008

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  • ea silver member
    July 28, 2008
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    I'm surprised I didn't comment on this before. It really does seem like he could be saying this although it's in rhyme. I actually just read a poem by him about rhyming poems - I think he rhymed it. He always makes me laugh.


    • Mairi bheag gold member
      July 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yes I am sure he would have hated this tribute, but it just flowed.

      • ea silver member
        July 28, 2008
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        lol, nooo. He would have glowered but be secretly amused.


  • AJ Morelli gold member
    May 27, 2008
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    very nicely done...


    al


  • CitrineSunrise silver member
    May 15, 2008

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    One of the cornerstones of historical fiction is attempting to interpret events through the invented dialogue of the characters. You have encapsulated the nature of Bukowski's life with this composition, quite an achievement in so few words. Peace, Liz

    • Mairi bheag gold member
      May 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Liz, I got a great deal of satisfaction from writing this. I have written many sonnets, but I always feel I have achieved something if I can up-date the "voice" of such an established form.


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    May 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Simply superb. I just LOVE the way you write. There is such expression in this sonnet that keeps the reader held, melded to the words, reading 'til the finish, yet not wanting it to end.
    Excellent work. ~Pamela


  • Dalaney gold member
    May 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You wrote about one of my favorite poets. He could be a stinker, but God, what a man. To live and tell, this was his legacy to us, and you've done him justice, my sweet cousin. Love, Lane

    • Mairi bheag gold member
      May 12, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I tried to write it from inside the head of "Sara" - a character in two (I think) of his novels, who is based on his wife Linda Lee Beighle - or certainly from the viewpoint of someone who cared about him enough to have shared his louche lifestyle. It was quite a challenge to write a coherent sonnet using 20c language.

      I came across the quotation (in my notes) which I think is the last paragraph of "Pulp", and I thought it was appropriate.

      Oh yeah, and Jeff is going to kill me if I don't say I got the idea to write about CB from him. It's half true

      I am really, really pleased you liked this one.


  • CaliOkie silver member
    May 6, 2008

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    This is excellent. What rhythm and flow. The words all fit together as if they have been cut from the same stone. Just wonderful.


  • Melodies
    May 5, 2008

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    An adventure caught in a sonnet and it tells a wonderful story. Beautiful writing, most surely.

  • Bad Bill
    May 4, 2008

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    I love the way you've caught the idiom and "low-life" flavour of Bukowski, but this is not just a pastiche of Bukovskian idiom--it's also, and more importantly, a fine contemporary poem in it's own right. Excellent work.

    With admiration,
    Bill

    • Mairi bheag gold member
      May 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the appreciation, Bill.

      It isn't really a pastiche - that would be against the rules of the contest - but I felt that I needed to have a mid 20c flavour to the language to pay an appropriate tribute.

  • Paula Pears
    May 4, 2008
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    One I actually know!
    Bukowski!
    (My lecturer has that picture)


    • Mairi bheag gold member
      May 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      It's not supposed to be so much of a guessing game, so I slipped in a well-known picture. But good for you


  • Amera gold member
    May 4, 2008

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    Beautiful rhythmic flow and wonderful contemporary image. You really love this Dead Poet contest don't you?

    Love,
    Amera

    • Mairi bheag gold member
      May 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I do. But I think that if I have another inspiration, I need to approach it from a different angle. I seem to be adept at 'persona' poetry, and I ought to try something different.

      I am glad you appreciate this one, Sis.

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