Oh, when the clouds hunt o'er the deep
And fragile sunbeams greet the morn,
I'll kiss you as you wake from sleep
And fold you in the arms of dawn.
I'll watch you open sleepy eyes
And yawn as slumber slips away
Beneath the scented April skies
That drift towards the breaking day.
The sun a faded opal ball
That streams in soft angelic mist
And where the restful sunbeams fall
The honeyed waters glide and drift.
A fragment, some forgotten dream,
That's half remembered, lost at sea,
The gurgling of the little stream
The haunting of eternity.
So godless realms defy the earth
Where chasms fall and wilds rage
The slumbered soul that seeks rebirth
The summer's shrine, the silent sage.
A mystic draft of shimmered hopes
An ebb-tide drifting to the seas
The tall, dark cliffs, the mossy slopes
The scented blossoms, honey bees.
And love is wild and love is free
And leaves you breathless wanting more
And all that is was meant to be
Sweet heaven's breath, a distant shore.
Author notes
Room without doors
A contest entry
- Pre Written Rhyme by piccola.
600 points, ended July 9, 2008, 36 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Poem You Have Ever Written by Cherokee.
300 points, ended July 31, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Proudly Presenting: ROUND 1 by Walk-Free.
1000 points, ended August 31, 2008, 78 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - BATTLE OF THE GOLDS 4 by Swan song.
2500 points, ended October 25, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhymed prewrites only ... by ecrivain01.
750 points, ended November 14, 2008, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites by leander.
730 points, ended November 30, 2008, 147 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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I really like the imagery you have managed to capture within the lines here... You also have a very consistent rhyme scheme.
Well done - thank you for the entry!
Leander -
It is an outstanding write as Swan Song says. A couple slant rhymes the only detraction, but even they went unnoticed on first reading. The word "toward" is forced into a two-syllable pronunciation, (rare in my locale), but still in all, a very worthy entry this!
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Outstanding write here well done!
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a stunning piece filled with interesting imagery and metaphors.
it started as a simple spring morning, but you went deeper as the poem progressed. it got so intense at one point, that it left me confused because it was so complicated.
thanks for entering and i wish you the best of luck to make it to the next round
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oooh wow!
this is STUNNING! i wanna read more i wanna read more! i love the rhyme here, it was interesting! and i absolute admire the depth of this piece! it was emotional and touching... your emotions were so raw! imagery was sooo strong, i could picture it all, and it seemed so real! >.< i'm speechless, IT WAS AWESOME!!! keep penning, and thanks bunches for this entry
~beauty of silence
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ooo
A very interesting poem with amazing rhyme. I felt myself being more engrossed in the poem as it went along for it read so smoothly and beautifully.
The spacing was good as it gave a pause and then continued.
congrats on the gold trophy! Good luck for this and the other contests too.
transit!
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wow. this si awesome. this leaves me wanting more too. a wonderful piece of work here. rhyme here was just awesome, and the flow is just woah. i loved this piece. the imagery was wonderful; everything was from the first word to the last. this is perfect.
good lucks in all the contests
checkmate
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This is a lovely poem, as expected from you, with brilliant imagery. Your rhyme and meter flow easily and unforced. A successful poem, indeed.
But not perfect. I have some minor quibbles.
The last line of the second stanza, you've used "towards" as a two-syllable word. That made me stumble, back up, and re-read the line. Up to that point, the poem was perfectly smooth.
I'm not sure what you mean by "The sun a fainted opal ball." Fainted is the past tense of faint, as in swoon. It's an interesting word choice, and if you meant to make the reader ponder over what you meant by that, you've succeeded. Otherwise, there are many other adjectives that might work (painted, sainted, or tainted for starters, but there are thousands of others that don't rhyme with fainted :-) that would fill the bill.
Again, in the line "Where chasms fall and wilds rage" you've used wilds as if it were two syllables, rather than one. It forces the reader to stop and start again. It wouldn't be hard to come up with a synonym that would fix the rhythm in that line. (And no, I'm not being nit-picky: in the first line of the last stanza you use wild as a single-syllable word :-)
You've used punctuation through much of the poem, which I like, but you missed some spots. You need a comma after the first line, or it sounds like we're talking about "deep and fragile sunbeams." Again, that makes the reader back up if they don't read it right the first time. Stanza five is a run-on sentence. The last stanza could use with commas and perhaps a colon on the next next to last line, depending on what you're actually trying to say.
As I said, those are minor quibbles, but I do want to give you useful feedback when I can — you'll hear plenty of praise from just about anyone who's lucky enough to read your poetry. -
Brilliant!
-flow ( 10/10 )
-subject ( 10/10 )
-fitting title ( 5/5 )
-word choice ( 5/5 )
-originality ( 9/10 )
-spelling and grammar ( 5/5 )
-how much I like it, basically. ( 5/5 )
Total - 49/50 OU 98%
Flows perfectly, great word choice, original suject! Awesome! I can't think of anything you could fix with this.
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beautiful. There should be better adjectives but this is truly beautiful. The rhyme and meter are great...that and it is about love. Thank you for your entry.
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I judge a poem by it's construction. Your iambic tetrameter is almost flawless. Your rhyme scheme is excellent except for stanza one verse four. And your alliteration "slumber slips";"streams in soft";"fragment, some forgotten";"slumbered soul that seeks";"summer's shrine, the silent" are placed well throughout the poem. You composed a gem! Great job!
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This is beautiful, truly beautiful. It has such lovely wording. It truly has the esscence of love woven in between the lines. Reading it makes me feel like I am in love again and it's a wonderful feeling!
"That drift towards the breaking day."
^I stumbled on "towards" here at first, but otherwise flawless!
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the delight of the spring and the melody of love together take us to another world.....lovely..
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Still good to read.
This is still good to reread. -
Wonderfully written, this flows so well. The language and imagery is beautiful. I loved reading this, stunning!
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I walked outside.
I walked outside today and took in the sheer beauty of blooming irises that were showy and tall. And I thought of how all the rains that have come to our town has made nature stand out. A true spring day indeed. -
What a great penned work, to visualize the spring images stamped before me. Spring encapsulated, renewing the earth with birth, singing bees, gurgling streams There seems to be a progression from dawn to dusk of the season. Lovely work with walk down the lane hand in hand with sunbeams and angelic mist. Great ending, the content leaves the reader grasping for more share insight.
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Wonderful
Absolutely a delight to read. Perfect flow and rhyme.It is also a pleasure to read a great poem and not one that is laced with promises of love and sex. We need more poets like yourself on AP
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a good piece, a gentle rhythm here that washes the eyes down the page with ease. good rhyme, though i would be surprised to see otherwise
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