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I Can Do Better

I can do better
than you anyday.
You held me back
now you must pay.
For I'm walking out
Away I will go.
You can't stop me,
this you should know.
I have strength,
intelligence, too.
I KNOW who I am,
but whoever are you?
I can do better
than you, any day.
You held me back,
now you will pay.

Author notes

G. I can do better. Screen Name: Shancy Fayre

A contest entry

I'd like some feedback.

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Comments


  • Stormy Sky
    May 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I can do better
    than you, any day.

    I love how you repeated this. a very nice touch. i felt that sometimes your rhymes were a bit forced, but it was a pleasant read anyways.

    Your SN is your Screen Name. Please put that in. As for donating, i'm not sure how you do it, i just know it's possible.

    ~stormy

  • Hungry Joe
    May 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    'I have strength,
    intelligence, too.' - if so, you should have used them to write a readble poem. Too base,: kept to basic theme using horrendous rhyme "For I'm walking out
    Away I will go.
    You can't stop me,
    this you should know."
    without any real insight. just not good. best lines "I KNOW who I am,
    but whoever are you?" and even there I really didn't like how you used 'whoever', completely thrashing any attempt at reasonable tone, just to keep the right rhythm. rhythm isn't that important in the end. nice try though.


  • passim silver member
    May 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Amen to that!! This reaches home. Well done.